So I guess I need to start a new thread. When I started posting here I NEVER thought I would have enough to say or have anyone that would actually respond to me. So THANK YOU for your kindness and support. There are many days that I would not have kept it together if it wasn't for all of you.
Still in FL. Enjoying everything except seeing H on daily basis. He barely looks at me. In looking for "small wins" as MWD suggests - he did text me yesterday when he didn't see me at S's game and asked if I was there at the game. I did not reply. He's typically texting in front of me so I believe he has now found an OW. I'm not sure what to think about this because of all of the random encounters he has had over the last few years. And I know that when he left me ~ he did not have an OW. I believe that he went out looking for one. I'm not sure if that's a good thing for me in this whole MLC thing or not but I will stand in the distance for as long as I can.
I am angry that he is telling people that financially we are in a ton of debt and that's why he is living the way he is living. I want to say ~ well if you know anything about sex addicts the way he is choosing to live allows for him to host the low-life in a manner in which they are accustomed! But I don't say it ~ I just remind myself that as comes with raising 3 kids and providing them with opportunities and experiences to help them succeed - we have probably spent more money on them than we should have or we have spent more than we've saved. However, we are not desolate - we are not bankrupt. And since when is breaking up a household and adding separate living expenses the best way to get out of debt? Just wondering...
Finances from my short four months of this, do not seem to register properly with those in the throes of an MLC. I just nod my head and avoid the big fights.
Welcome to your new thread IB. I believe all of us are surprised at the response it illicited from both ourselves and others. It's my 'refuge' when I get up in the morning, and when I get home from work at night.
My hardest part is that my husband lives 80 miles away and in the past 5 months, have had 4 long distance ( email or phone) interactions. Period. It's hard to work on a marriage alone, but I guess that's what this is all about!
Congrats! You seem to be doing so well compared to when I read your first post. It's amazing what 'inner strength' we can call up when we really have to, isn't it.
So we are home from Florida. It was a wonderful trip for S and myself but definitely bittersweet. H was there - stayed at his own hotel. Popped in and out - just plain weird. In the past he and I would have really enjoyed this trip - now it was enjoying it basically on my own.
On Wednesday H texts me and asks "would you care to go for a drink somewhere and talk?" I answered "I am going to be super honest with you. I would like to go have a drink with you but if you have an agenda of topics that you know will hurt me I don't feel like I can. I am sorry but I am trying to stay strong for S." He answered "I definitely don't have an agenda of topics that I think would hurt you actually wanted to say some things of appreciation and take some steps towards more positive communications with you. I do not want to have a bad relationship with you."
From there - I screwed up. I replied "I am not sure you understand my feelings. I believe that you think this is cut and dry. Just over. You are there and I am not. Sorry - too much time / too much unresolved. Too unfair in terms of HONEST work that could have been done to make a difference. If you change your mind about drinks - it's ok."
He replies "I'm not sure with the last couple of texts you sent that it would be a good idea to go out after all. I still would like you to know that I hope we can continue to try to be able to talk to each other in a positive manner when around each other or when things are going on with kids."
I then asked "are you involved with someone else now?" He said - "why do you want/need to ask that question now? what will the answer mean to you either way?" I reply "if you want a good relationship then the lying must stop." He replies "and what must stop on your side?" I say "you have to tell me - I said what I thought in the letter I sent you." He then says - "I was not hoping or expecting this texting to take on this tone. As I said earlier I have no agenda to hurt you and I don't want to talk about it."
Then I blow it again and say "OK - here's the truth. You are still legally married to me. You will need to take the necessary steps to end it. I will not. I do not believe in divorce. So I will continue to be respectful. I will continue to treat you with common courtesy. I will continue to serve all of our family in that manner. That's who I am and I will not become someone else because you have chosen something or someone else."
He then texts me and the kids today to say he is back from Florida and he is moving into the extended stay hotel today.
OK - so I backslid. I should not have engaged him at all. When he asked to go out for drinks I should have said no thank you. I shouldn't have asked about another person. Sh*t! Angry at myself - but I handled the majority of the trip graciously.
So S's season is over and I should now have an opportunity to stay away from him for a significant period of time. Will wait for him to contact me about plans, etc. He starts back to school on Monday - so with his full-time and part-time work, he should be busy.
I am 99% convinced he is seeing someone else. He left 7 weeks ago and went from phone chat hookups to seeking someone specific - which I believe is an attempt to deny his addiction. Several people have asked me what is going on with him - they've said things about him talking in riddles, etc. I believe that his choice of living accommodations, etc. all reek of addictive behaviors.
OK - so I've purged that. What about me? I am hurt - I am still working through the grief process but I am also needing this time to detach from him and his choices. The shame is still there - the hurt is still there - the confusion is still there - and glimpses of anger are starting to surface. But I also returned home ready to heal.
So, I am slowly moving forward. Internet was down in our home in Florida and I really missed the feedback and support from this board. You all have been terrific!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Then I blow it again and say "OK - here's the truth. You are still legally married to me. You will need to take the necessary steps to end it. I will not. I do not believe in divorce. So I will continue to be respectful. I will continue to treat you with common courtesy. I will continue to serve all of our family in that manner. That's who I am and I will not become someone else because you have chosen something or someone else."
Irish I like this.
This is a long journey and you needed to say this.
It was from the heart.
It was with honor, dignity and grace.
I can't think of a better way to state your case.
Your stand.
From now on limit your R talk
IMO I think you did well.
Let the tiger sleep now
No more poking.
Ok?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I think you handled yourself wonderfully. Everything that TG said above PLUS. You seem to be getting your feet back underneath you better and better everyday.
Now, also like TG said, step back. You gave him something to think about, so let him think.
