Baby born, separated, WH moving overseas for OW

[Piano]

In my heart to heart, I would tell him that I love him, that I wanted his influence in my life and the life of our baby, that I wanted to grow old with him.

I would then say that I believe since we have been together for such a long time from so young an age, that we didn't always grow together so well, and that I think a wake-up call was needed to make important changes so we could continue to thrive.

That I am sorry I didn't love him the way he needed to be loved and that I often took him for granted. That I didn't see the signs, or didn't want to see them. That we didn't communicate our problems effetively and didn't learn the skills to work through things together like a good team should. That we should have stayed in his country because I knew he needed it and was happier there, and me too.

That while I take the blame for my part, I am sorry he eventually went outside the marriage to solve his problems. I wish he could have turned to me in his time of crisis.

That I didn't have a child with him lightly, and that I wished he had given fatherhood and family life a go. That it would have been such a great thing to do together, as we intended.

That I am sorry he doesn't believe in working on things when the going gets tough...that I would have loved the opportunity to build a better marriage.

That's the sort of thing I want to say...
I wouldn't know how to end it..because reality is, he is in love with another woman and is about to go live with her..

and I can't accept that...

so the next paragraph would be about how I have lost respect for him, that me and the baby deserve better & how irresponsible and selfish he has been...and that while I beleive in 'for better or worse' I cannot wait forever and am moving on...

But I've moralised, lectured and ranted till the cows come home, so I am NOT doing any more of that. Silence would be more effective.

So, yeah.

Not doing very well, am I?

[newmama]

Piano, I copied and pasted something about closure in my thread from a link recommended by Donna. Here is the link:

http://www.gettingpastyourpast.com/?p=4743#more-4743

And guess what- I am not doing well today either- because some days the reality of being a single mom is very daunting. I am going to FB you for some advice on something, ok? Please respond when you get a chance. Thank you!

[Piano]

Invaluable artile, NM, thanks.

I didn't address what my goal would be. But I think it was to gain his respect and let him know the makings of reconciliation (on my side) were there, should he later regret his decision.

Silence might be as, or more, effective.

[pinhead]

Piano,

Even though you can't say that to him, it's really awesome that you've searched through yourself to figure that all out. That's a huge part of GAL in my opinion. Knowing what you did (right and wrong), accepting responsibility, and setting goals.

GBWY, Pinhead

[Babydoll]

Hey Piano, i got emotional reading what you want to say to your H. In my opinion, keep it as what your feelings are, as you have done, but dont mention how you deserve better, he knows that, or how he states he is in love w./ someone else, etc. just keep it as you telling him what you feel, how you accept that your M wasnt 100% perfect and that you would make changes, etc.

If you start mentioning that you deserve better or that he left, he will withdraw and pull back and become defensive. Leave him with the memory of you expressing HOW YOU FEEL and let him decipher the rest! he knows you deserve more... regardless of all of the rotten things he has said to you recently, he does know how this affected you. i believe all of our WAS do. They just do not admit it... if they do, they fear that we will take it as a sign of R and this scares them!

At this point, what do you have to lose... he leaves in what 19 days? and what is wrong with expressing your feelings... maybe he needs to hear this...

Someone recently told me... ask for help... let him know you need him... i tend to come off a bit independent and act as if, i cant do it all on my own... its very wrong... do you find that you do the same? Have you told your H that you would like him to help you in raising your bub? or that you need his help? ( i dont mean that you need him to survive) or that you would like him to be a part of your lives?

Have you thought about taking baby steps and for right now just gaining his trust and friendship? rather than just for marriage.. he needs to feel safe and comfortable enough around you without being attacked with R talk and ILY etc. Maybe you should try the lets try to be amicable for the bub's sake... show him you have a heart and how kind you are! be the woman he fell in love with...

[gatsby11]

Hey P, thanks for posting. It really was heartfelt; it resonated with me really deeply.

At this point, what do you have to lose... he leaves in what 19 days? and what is wrong with expressing your feelings... maybe he needs to hear this...

i kind of agree. BD and I are in different boats, though, and we could be wrong.

But I guess I feel that if you have the urge to say these things, now is the time. Definitely DON'T DON'T DON'T talk about what you wrote after "that's the sort of thing i want to say". but the other stuff might be okay.

i don't know, though! I really don't. But that's what I think, after reading your post.

[newmama]

I just want to add this: say it ONLY for YOU and NOT if you hope it will evoke some kind of change in your H.

Sorry, not to be Debbie Downer or Negative Nancy (her twin), but
have to speak from someone whose H left her for OW and tried to tell him stuff.

A year from now (or less) it is highly plausible that your H will be back. IMO. (((Piano)))

[Piano]

Well, I haven't sent the email.

Removalists came yesterday, sick in bed today. Have to clean apartment tomorrow.

I was awake at 2am last night, couldn't sleep. Thinking about WH. How cruel his actions have been. How irresponsible. How selfish and immature.

I am really stuck.

WH just emailed me and wants to come and see bub in an hour. Always the same, always last minute.

I am going to stay in bed and ignore him.

[Piano]

Many have said just tell WH to "go jump".

I have been afraid of looiking like the woman who denies father access to the kids if I don't allow him to come when he wants.

I have a guilt problem.

[Jstar]

Ladies,

Is parenting when about when you want it or conveinient to suit your schedule, you/your being for both mother and father.?

Why are you worried about what you would look like, set some boundaries,.

imagine some time from now and your children understand what mommy and daddy are, they've seen moms and dads out and about, they look at them selves and notice they are different, different is ok as long as it is healthy.

then the wah comes and goes out of the picture with your children, choice is which is better for your children? Let the walk away daddy come in and out of their lives when it suits his fancy? Or do you do what is best for your children?

Piano, lets just say you two were not married, he is married to the other woman, he just wants to pop up in the kidos life, is that good for your child? Only you can answer this but i'm afriad there are times when women unknowingly have the daddys aroudn and excuse harmful behavior from the daddy's to obtain a reconcilation.

The only person Piano you have to be worried about is the innocent child born into teh situation and you being responsible parent doing what is best for that child, not your h, not your family, just your child.