How To Tell The Kids

[BeingMe]

Dan, it takes time to drop the rope. But, bit by bit, you will release it. In the end, it's the best thing for you and your family.

I learned that 6 months after the bomb. When I freaked out when I opened an IM where my H and OW were discussing how they would have s*x with each other. I ran downstairs, started popping whatever pills were there, to get rid of the pain (it was as physical a pain as it was emotional). My H tried to stop me by pulling me back (big mistake to do that with a person who trained in jiu-jitsu, even if it was awhile ago, but I got my brown belt and I know instinctively where to hit), so without thinking I hit him in the solar plexis with my elbow ... hard. When that happened, I calmed down, the action snapped me out of the rush to get rid of the pain. I was shocked that I could do that because it's not who I am. Thankfully, our older children got my younger one downstairs to protect her. They had never seen this kind of behaviour in our family before, so I went downstairs and apologized to those shocked, white, beloved faces and said it would never happen again, and it has not in these last 6 years. My H had phoned 911 by this time, so I went upstairs to my bedroom and waited for them. I was very calm by this time, and by the time they arrived, I had dropped the rope completely. I told them what had happened, and the officer (a woman) asked if I was okay, and I calmly said, "yes ma'am". H came up after they left, shaking. I just said, "I agree: I want a D."

The reason why we are still together came about a long time after that night.

So, the moral of this story? Snooping doesn't help ... it felt like I had lifted a rock and found a snake, that bit me. Also, don't let it get to this stage before you drop the rope, but do let it go. I refused to give up hope, I held on tightly, but I have learned that it doesn't help. Not you, not your children, not your M, not your W who is probably infatuated with some OM and ruled by her emotions and feelings. True love comes with time; two years or so into the M it is only infatuation and once that leaves, one has love that has grown through experiences had together (positive and negative), i.e. birth of one's children, building a life, even fighting.

At this point, you have to let her go, emotionally, with love. Turn to yourself, and work on those things you want to improve. Be the best dad you can be. You have to find a way to love yourself first. Set boundaries, GAL, be cheerful around her, but distant and don't try and find out why she is on the cell phone. Just shrug it off; don't look. Go to the gym, or go for walks when you become angry, emotional, or just frustrated. It helped me a lot. I learned that I can only control myself, and hope to influence those around me, but that it was not a given.

Sorry, this was long. I rarely know how to put things in a short story.