Gotta call bullchit on this one. Of course people can change who they are. That's like saying once a criminal always a criminal. Same thing for an addict.
But isnt that true? An alcoholic is always that, even if they are now living sober.
Your W's actions are a CHOICE. She wasn't BORN poly. It's her choice to be so. It's not like it's the color of her skin. It's a learned behavior that can be changed like anything else. Think I'm wrong? Believe it or not, there were/are alot of poly couples on here where one partner just decided they didn't want to do it anymore. Simple as that. It's a choice.
But she tells me this is who she is. She has long told me that. That when she was younger she would throw away perfectly good relationships because she wanted to go play with new and shiny. As she got older she didnt understand why she had to do that. And didnt want to throw me away. She chooses to practice poly, and chooses not to. But she is positive she is poly (she likens it to be homosexual, no one choses that, they just are.).
And besides, if you didn't think your W is going to change, why are you here?
Well, Im not sure. I dont think im trying to get her to change who she is. Im trying to rekindle the lost romance between us. She says its burned out. She would love to have it back as well, because as she says...why would she choose not to be in love with her husband.
Why do you think you have to change? Your assumption that her choice of being poly excuses her for treating you like $hit with OM. Not multiple men. ONE man. So right now that makes it a one to one problem like everyone elses.
OH dont get me wrong here. I am not changing. Thats her problem, she kept hoping the light bulb would go on with me and I would be magically poly one day. Didnt happen. She has zero excuses for her behavior now. She tells me that she intends to live like this (sexless etc) for the rest of her life. She is seriously lashing out at me over him. Despite telling me she ended it with him to "save" our marriage. Poly means multiple loves, which i pointed out to her all the time. Not one single poly friend I ahve tells me she is poly...so believe when i say I completely agree with you here.
Stop going by HER terms. If you can't stand to see your W banging other men and loving them, then stop. Kick her out of the house and stop being a doormat. If you continue to more of the same, you're going to keep getting the same.
She isnt banging anyone anymore. Now she holds up in her room depressed all the time. She says she is trying to "find herself". She tells me she hasnt been herself for 17 years and I may not like who she actually is. I have no real idea what to make of all this other then the fact that she had her cake and was enjoying the meal and now I am in the penalty box for taking it away from her.
