Back and a bit worse off

[PEI]

I get many GREAT and HELPFUL people who I have more thanks for than they can know trying to help me here and saying do what I want to do-what's good for me...Problem is I have no damn clue what that is right now.

I'll tell you what those GREAT and HELPFUL people have told me, are telling me. If you have doubt, if you are unsure of what to do ... do nothing. Sometimes doing nothing is the best something to do. Be STILL. Slow down.

Why does you not filing mean things will get messy? No one is telling you to fight her on it, if it's what she really wants and she files and forces the issue then you will have to decide how to handle it.

Make her own her choices, her decisions - by your actions, not with words. NO WORDS.

If you do NOT want a divorce then don't file. Simple really. It's not a tactic if it's your truth. Doing something contrary to your truth will definitely come across as confrontational.

If she wants one, she can file for it. And if you truly want to love her unconditionally then you will need to respect her choices.

(Now of course the exception is that you have to protect yourself financially and legally so I'm not saying you shouldn't get advice).

Breathe. SLOW DOWN. Be still. Listen. Watch.

Peace
PEI

[Stilltrying68]

Thanks JTB. I usually pull myself back from the edge after one of these posts. Mostly venting due to my typing being for me what punching bags, jogging tracks, or Pilates classes are for others. Good to hear that I am doing well to vent here and keeping all R talk to my DBing folks and not at all with W.

[sleeper]

...kick to the snardlies...

I like that. "Snardlies", is that an Irish word?

If I may...

Don't try to make it hard on her. She's expecting that and will probably accuse you of doing just that even if you are not. They are incredibly selfish (i.e. the impact on you and kids) and will expect everything to be done to their liking, believing if it's not then you are being difficult just to be so.

Look to the end game. Don't set yourself up for her trap; "if you don't do what I want I'll take the kids from you in court", etc. Don't empower her, but don't go out of your way to make things hard. They will be hard enough.

Staying in the house is absolutely your right. It may even be the right move because if you move out it will make things very easy for her (her life disruption will be minimized and she'll have a legal leg up on getting the house). Proof of their selfishness is mine threatened to take the kids and leave if I didn't. I left to protect the kids from such a disruption, which made it easy on her and she eventually got title to the house.

Exposing the other M is a separate matter. Don't confuse the financial with the emotional and marital. It's very easy to do, probably because the home, the family, the marriage and the finances were all one in our minds during the marriage. In separation/divorce they no longer are. She may try to trick you to move out by saying this is only a separation while her mind is made up on divorce. Mine did that too.

Look to the end game and determine where YOU want to be in the event of a divorce. She can still be with you there if SHE wants to be (and you still want her). Either way you will be where you want to be which is all any of us can affect.

[seeking answers]

ST,

I'm going to ask a question of our veteran DBers to clarify some things you may be thinking about and out of my own curiosity.

Is it wise to affair bust a MLCer the way you might try it on a WAS? Why or why not?

I'm talking affair busting the way it is done on the Infidelity board. I am NOT trying to stir anything up, just trying to clear some things up and help ST make a more informed choice.

[ericmsant2]

Still

I have been where you are at. In some cases, I’m still there.

Let me tell you what I see in your post.

You are a victim right now, at least in YOUR mind. You have been wronged. You are soooo focused on your W. You are still trying to control the situation. You are still trying to manipulate her. YOUR PRIDE is eating at you. You are shi**ing bricks about how you can financially do this. You are nervous, you are lost, you are pissed. You can’t sleep, you can’t eat. Your mind wanders all day. You can’t get OM out of your mind. You keep thinking about OM poppin your W. You life right now is in f’in turmoil. I get it.

So what do you do?

I am not gonna puss* foot around this nor am I gonna give you some line to make YOU feel better.

Here is what you do……..Ya man the F up!

All I see in your thread is HER, SHE, My W…it is all about her. I have not seen one f’in quote from you where YOU look at YOUR issues.

I’m going to be real with you dude – cause that is WHO I AM.
Stop looking at YOUR Wife and START looking at YOUR issues. Those are the things you can change. Know what…you probably don’t want to. It hurts. I hurts like hell. I know it first-hand. Before I pick apart your post I want to say one thing to you..

I am not concerned about saving your M. I am not. I am concerned about getting you to a place where you can look in the mirror and LOVE (not just like) what you see. When you can stand up and no longer be afraid. That’s where I want you buddy. So I’m gonna ride ya hard. Saddle up. Oh…once you are saved…well then you never know if W will come back after she sees the TRUE change in YOU.

Now on to your post…

If my W is gone and I want to let her go (detach) isn't keeping myself in the picture and forcing things to get messy and her to do them a tactic of sorts.

It depends what you mean when you say in the picture. If you mean that you will be following her around like a puppy dog – then yes. If you mean that from time to time you happen to “bump” into each other then no. You see if keep looking at her. When you stop this all of sudden the detachment that you NEED starts to happen.

Hell yes I want to be around my kids as much as possible. I want to be there when the little things are going on and know when the thunder comes that I will be the one they come to...for another year or so anyway...

So then why did you leave? Here let me answer…you left because your pride is killing you. You left because it is easier. You left because you wanted her to “feel” it. To take you serious to know that you “mean business”. Guess what these my friend are tactics. When you begin to really change yourself none of this will matter. None of it. You can buy me a drink when you get to the point. I’ll post what bar I’m in and you can call the bartender with the credit card. FTR I am sapphire and tonic guy.

Listening to my gut has gotten me a swift kick to the snardlies thus far.

No – your pride and your mouth have given you the swift kick. Not your gut…your gut right now is a “feeling”…and “feelings” change. Right now you have all of those angry and scared feelings and they are what is driving your thought process. As hard as it is…you need to stop thought. Anyway possible…even if it means going to the john to rub one out…just a little humor dude. I was kidding about the rubbing one out or was I LOL.

her detaching I thought was midlife dilemma and decided just to give her space...

giving space is very different than running and you buddy are running and spinning.

all the while she was detaching and drifting farther away...

Now you did read the MLC resources right? This is what happens. Let me ask you a question…where and what were YOU doing when your W was giving you signals that she was not happy? Have you thought about that.

Not listening to it when I knew in my heart there was someone else cost me too.

This is called DENIAL. We all go thru it. I don’t know about you but the thought of my W f’in someone else was not something that I wanted to think about. Guess what…you won’t when YOU finally say…F this I’m really gonna look at my own issues.

I think a big part of it all is that I DO NOT TRUST my own judgement anymore.

Good – you shouldn’t right now..cause your pride, hurt and anger are talking. Not the peace that comes from an inner strength of knowing WHO YOU ARE.

If I listened to my gut right now I would have stayed home today and read a book to escape and wasted a vacation day that could have been spent with my kids.

I would call this ^^^ a GAL activity. You should try it sometimes It helps. Just sayin….

I am so effing fustrated and tired and clueless that these things I once thought no brainers are cause for indecision.

You want to make a decision cause you want to control it. You want it to stop. Your body, mind and soul are so used to controlling everything. This my friend is where work can begin. Start by sitting back and doing NOTHING. Not a f’in thing. Nothing but drinking the big glass of STFU.

I want to fight her at every turn and make her journey down this path as slow and worrisome as possible.

and I would love to make this one big confrontation,

Anger in it’s rawest form.. oh yes…I know this feeling…What your probably really wanted to say was “ I want this F’in b*tch to pay for the pain she has cause me”…This my friend is anger and must be dealt with. The only way you deal with it is to get it out. Just don’t toss it her way….try something to help relieve the pressure…Hey…I just thought of something…remember the “rubbing one out idea”…

My W has NEVER liked confrontation

Another cause of her MLC. She never stood up for herself and finally decided to and now…poor Still doesn’t like it. It was okay when still was running the show –wasn’t it. Guess what you want to be a man. You want that pride to come out. Be proud that SHE is finally standing up for herself. Be happy for her.

but isn't that a detriment to my cause?

I will say it again…your mouth, pride and emotions are right now.

I know things are supposed to be me me me and the kids, but how do I tell them that when I had a chance to see them all the time I decided to fight for the house ect and risked losing the time with them?

THIS IS WHY I DID NOT LEAVE my house. Now that you have – make the best of it. Do not discuss this with your kids.

It is unfortunate that men have to face the reality that women have one of their rare leg-ups on us in the preferential treatment they recieve in court.

Yes it is…my W may not be satisfied with 4K a month so trust me dude I get it. Know what…your fear is talking. You are afraid of what MAY happen. Someone by the name of Drew once asked me if I had a crystal ball (nickel Drew if you are out there)…so do you? Stop trying to figure it out. What will happen is gonna happen. It sucks to give up control doesn’t it. Guess what this is more work that YOU need to do.

ALSO- my kids are of age at 13 and 14 in my state so they could be asked to chose a parent. I would never want to put such a burden on their shoulders.

I am in the same spot. Guess what..be the best dad you can be and let God decide.

I go over and over all this every day as things progress and part of the fustration IS wondering if I am not putting up the fight I should. I fight a seemingly unending battle within myself every day over the whole mess.

As a man you are taught to fight and fight hard. To stand up, beat on your chest and show everyone that alpha male. Know what…sometime strength is shown in a peaceful stillness. Stop trying to fight and focus on YOU.

Dude, I have to go pick up my son from school but I want you to answer me this…

What issues do you have? That is…unless your perfect.

Oh…and by the way did you read my thread….all of them….

God Bless,
Eric

[ericmsant2]

SA

I am not qualified as a "veteran" BUT what I can tell you is this...

"been there done that" - it does not work.

IMO, the MLCer has checked out. They are done. Busting the affair just gives them another reason to what to run back into the tunnel.

Once again...I am not the wisest here so take this with a grain of salt.

Eric

[ericmsant2]

Still

Are you okay? Just checking...

[Stilltrying68]

Okee dokee Eric. Just getting my head together and lurking through the forums and your old posts. I only have access to a computer at work and things have been busy.

I am really trying to make a list of good and bad qualities about myself in order to both pick me up a bit and to get my head around some of the things about myself that need work. I am the kind of person who really needs to set things down and think on them a bit in order to act.

Getting lots of kid time and that helps, plus relatives are really coming through in the clutch as far as getting my house together.

I will be back by Monday at the latest for an update.

Best,
Still

[ericmsant2]

Dude - take your time...just don't do or say anything at this time. Step back and breath....

Have a good weekend and enjoy the kids.

[Stilltrying68]

Saw Karate Kid with my kids the other day and as hokey as it seems I like the line, "There is a difference between doing nothing and keeping still." I think we should call it keeping still, because doing nothing cannot possibly take this much effort.

Still