Stitching together a new quilt

[FindingMyVoice]

We are in marriage counseling, but, ironically, while it's brought a lot of clarity and understanding, one of the things I've come to understand is that it just probably isn't ever going to be much better.

Hi again, Four - I realized I had a couple of questions for you - do you mind sharing? That way folks here might be able to help you better. How long have you been in counselling? How old are you both? And, was there a specific event that finally made you pick up the phone and book an appt with a MC? What was it? What happened?

But truly, for so long I didn't even know what to ask for, much less how. And now that I do see and understand what I need and am not willing to settle for feeling secondary, my husband is just bewildered by why I'm no longer okay with what he truly honestly thinks has been a good marriage.

How long has it been since his eyes have been 'opened' so to speak, to how you feel? How does he respond when you do ask for changes? I believe, for example, that it took my H a while to adjust to the idea I wasn't happy in the first place. I know when I first start asking for change, my H was extremely adverse; it would cause a lot of conflict - he'd question, blame, dismiss my requests, outright contradict that I was so unhappy I thinking of leaving. But I kept asking though, kept talking - my IC said that's the only way they're going to know how important it is to you. And little by little, I could see he'd be absorbing what I'd be talking about; understanding and trying to change along with me. It can be very, very discouraging at times, I know. It takes a long time. Be sure to keep a diary! Every time I asserted myself and asked for change, I'd make a note of it - that way I could visually see when changes started happening. It gave me the positive reinforcement I needed to keep working at it, and, helped me be more aware of the need to acknowledge and appreciate the work he was doing. The more I did, the more changes he made. The more changes he'd make, the more changes I'd make. It's all a cycle.

In some ways going to the IC on my own, was helpful because the challenges I faced in initiating and asking for change, were significantly different than the one's he was/is facing in the process. So, going alone allowed me to get the individualized support and guidance I needed. Perhaps you might try one or two sessions on your own? It also allows you to speak to things you might feel guilty saying in front of your H. For example, although I never said the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' thing to my H, I did tell my therapist that I loved him but wasn't 'in love' with him. It was a relief just to be able to say it out loud without him around; this allowed me to just sit with that feeling, and notice how it impacted me, rather than worrying more (yet again) about how my feelings and thoughts impacted him.

It makes me unutterably sad when I think about the inevitability; even our counselor admits she doesn't know if we can get through it.

I worry here, about your counselor saying something like that to you. Although a MC has to acknowledge that ultimately, the decision of whether your marriage will continue, will be yours, they also should make it clear that what you're working towards is to keep your marriage in tact. My IC put it well saying "the goal in MC is to KEEP you together", not give you MORE reasons and/or doubt that you should split up! Good grief don't we all have enough of that on our own!? We certainly don't need professionals fueling such negativity for us! What is your opinion of his/her help to date? What do you think of his/her pessimism? All I know is that in life, we should never make serious, life changing decisions while we're in the middle of a crisis.

Keep your mind open to the fact that you and your H may indeed be able to become friends again, reconnect, and create a better relationship than you even had in the beginning. Can you envision that? One thing my IC did that was helpful was to ask me to think about what that would 'look' like. What would we be doing together; what, how and where would we talk; the whole how/what/where/everything about affection too - get a really clear picture in your head of you and your H being in a fulfilling, passionate marriage. I know it feels awkward at first, but give it a try. It helps give you a positive picture to work towards, and know the kinds of things you need to talk about and initiate to get you there.

Anyways! Sorry this has gotten so long-winded. I guess my last question is what kinds of books your MC has gotten you to read. The books I've read since this all began for me, have been a godsend. My library keeps growing! I can recommend a number of good ones if you're interested.

Take care, I'll check in over the weekend to see if you've replied. Stay strong; stay positive. You can do this!