Trying to understand our WAS is so natural, yet so difficult. They don't really know why they're acting the way they do, they only know what they feel. FEEL. They try and rationalize, just as the LBS does, about the past, about the present, about everything, And in the end, it's just wasted neurons.
You're much better off trying to understand yourself, understand your needs, desires, and boundaries. See how they fit into your actions, and when your actions differ from them, try to figure out why.
Then accept yourself.
Once you do, once you love yourself, you'll be able to really love and accept love.
Yeah, my IC labeled my WH narcissistic. They're everywhere!
I love it when I hear your WH looks mopey/sad. I don't think it's that he misses anyone. I think it's that he's looking at the sitch with straighter eyes. Keep pulling away, P!
Oh piano... I am so sorry you are going through this!!! I can not believe he is speaking to you this way... hard as it may be, ignore him!!! He is projecting his own guilt and crappy self onto you and he is in no position to criticize!!!!! Just remember one thing... NONE OF THIS IS BECAUSE OF YOU! Obviously your H is suffering from some serious internal turmoil! I'm still convinced it's the fear of fatherhood, and yes, Narcisistic is a perfect decription for your H (and mine too).
Please take care of yourself and your bub... how is she... tell us more about her!!!
forget him for now. backburn him. Treat him like the "neighbor". Get back on track of putting yourself first and detach yourself from him for now.
As for losing my cool, I did it quite a lot, more than a good DBer ever would..but I felt my circumstanes were exceptionally stressful for me. I went from Being Married/Living Overseas/Pregnant, to Being Separated/Pregnant/Living in my Parents house in Another Country much less sexy than the first! Not a heck of a lot of CONTINUITY there!
I felt such RELIEF to read that you recognize that you are NOT a terrible DBer and to give yourself some credit (A LOT!) and to see that these are very legitimate reasons for your "moodiness" (lol!)...wow. You really have gone through so many changes! Wow.
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WH visited bubs today. I was civil, even friendly (bought him take-away coffee which I brought back to him) but boundary-setting (said i would prefer to discuss any separation stuff on email - safer for me!) and I left first!
I am beaming with pride and admiration for your ability to set boundaries AND be civil!!!!
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On narcassism, my step-mum tells me her two girlfriend's WAH's were also labelled narcassists by their IC's! Not very original, then.
Hmmm. I did a quick search and found this description (although lengthy) of narcissisitc personality disorder so judge for yourself:
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
Narcissistic personality disorder is one of several types of personality disorders. Personality disorders are conditions in which people have traits that cause them to feel and behave in socially distressing ways, limiting their ability to function in relationships and in other areas of their life, such as work or school.
Narcissistic personality disorder treatment is centered around psychotherapy.
Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by dramatic, emotional behavior, in the same category as antisocial and borderline personality disorders.
Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include:
Believing that you're better than others Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness Exaggerating your achievements or talents Expecting constant praise and admiration Believing that you're special and acting accordingly Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans Taking advantage of others Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior Being jealous of others Believing that others are jealous of you Trouble keeping healthy relationships Setting unrealistic goals Being easily hurt and rejected Having a fragile self-esteem Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional
Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence or strong self-esteem, it's not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence and self-esteem into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal. In contrast, people who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don't value themselves more than they value others.
When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may have a sense of entitlement. And when you don't receive the special treatment to which you feel entitled, you may become very impatient or angry. You may insist on having "the best" of everything — the best car, athletic club, medical care or social circles, for instance.
But underneath all this behavior often lies a fragile self-esteem. You have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have a sense of secret shame and humiliation. And in order to make yourself feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and efforts to belittle the other person to make yourself appear better.
Causes By Mayo Clinic staff
It's not known what causes narcissistic personality disorder. As with other mental disorders, the cause is likely complex. Some evidence links the cause to a dysfunctional childhood, such as excessive pampering, extremely high expectations, abuse or neglect. Other evidence points to genetics or psychobiology — the connection between the brain and behavior and thinking.
Risk factors By Mayo Clinic staff
Narcissistic personality disorder is rare. It affects more men than women. Narcissistic personality disorder often begins in early adulthood. Although some adolescents may seem to have traits of narcissism, this may simply be typical of the age and doesn't mean they'll go on to develop narcissistic personality disorder.
Although the cause of narcissistic personality disorder isn't known, researchers continue to learn more about the factors that may increase the risk of developing the condition. In the past, experts believed excessive praise, admiration and indulgence from parents may lead to a pathologically inflated sense of self. Today, however, psychiatrists believe parental neglect is more likely responsible.
Risk factors for narcissistic personality disorder may include:
Parental disdain for fears and needs expressed during childhood Lack of affection and praise during childhood Neglect and emotional abuse in childhood Unpredictable or unreliable caregiving from parents Learning manipulative behaviors from parents Children who learn from their parents that vulnerability is unacceptable may lose their ability to empathize with others' needs. They may also mask their emotional needs with grandiose, egotistical behavior that's calculated to make them seem emotionally "bulletproof."
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
First-- thanks for posting that about Narcissistic personality disorder, NM! I have researched this kind of thing before. My mom has NPD.
Example: One day, a Devotckha song was playing. My mom told WH and me that she had composed a song like that in her dreams the other day. (But didn't write it down.)
She does this kind of thing ALL THE TIME. NPD all the way.
However, I'm not sure that all experts agree that it exists. My therapist said she has Borderline Personality Disorder with narcissism. (Mayo Clinic is really reputable, tho... maybe it's just my therapist!)
I think there's a difference between NPD and a regular narcissist, though. And there are degrees of severity, of course.
I don't think my WH is a straight-up narcissist, but I think he is being really narcissistic right now.
Just had to throw that in there. Got more to say about the other part, but I want to see if you respond to RobX first!
Oh, I had said 'keep pulling away' above. I think that when you step back, he sees things more clearly. So that could help a goal of him realizing what he's doing.
remember that he is being so self centered that talking to him may be as satisfying as talking to a rock...that could fling itself at you!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
