Wife filed for divorce...Is there still hope?

[Coach]

I feel that I have regressed and lost my strength some.

So this guy dies and goes down to Hades and the Devil greets him. The Devil shows him his room and starts to go over the weekly schedule. Devil asks, "You like to smoke?" The guys goes,"yeah, I smoked cigarettes and a cigar once in a while." Devil, "You are going to love Mondays then. On Mondays we have every kind of cigarette, the best cigars, hookas you want it we got it." Guy is thinking "cool, this is alright." Devil asks, "you like to drink?" The guy goes, "Heck ya!" Devil say, "Well, you will love Tuesdays! Beers from around the world, fine wines, champagne, the best liquor. You name it we got on Tuesdays!" Guys thinking this is awesome. Devil asks, "you a homosexual?" Guy recoils and says, "No way!" Devil says, "well, you're going to hate Wednesdays."



Cheers Bro

Take care of yourself this weekend.

[Chuck66]

See NO MORE STRESS...

[LSG]

Chuck66,

You are right that I need to get away from it, but it just keeps coming after me. I received a court document from MIL that got to me. It was a load of garbage, but it was frustrating anyways.

The downward cycle is here, but I will put it back on WAW next week. It is just terrible this D stuff.

The stress is better at the moment.

Coach - Great story. I will have a great weekend I hope.

Thanks for the support.

[LSG]

Journaling (July 30, 2010):

W called about 9:30 pm tonight to say she would be home soon. I was not interested in talking to her, so I asked what she wanted. She wanted to say "hi" to the kids, so I said okay and gave the phone to D. S was asleep already. More court documents came today. I was upset about them, but I did not tell W about receiving them.

Kids and I had fun today, and we went to the beach with some people from Vacation Bible Study, and I am glad that we did.

It was great, and there was so much positive energy in the air. It was a little contagious.

I cherish every moment with the kids.

I have mediation next week. I will be glad to have it over.

[DanF]

Hang in there LSG. I hope you are feeling better today. It is tough, but you are strong and you can do this. Sorry I don't have more wisdom to offer.

Good luck with mediation. I will be there very soon too. Let us know how it goes and what I can expect.

Stay strong man.

[pinhead]

Keep your chin up LSG. Once mediation is done, you'll feel better.

[Espr444]

Hey hope it goes well aleast your going to mediation. I don't even know where we stand right now. As we haven't talked. Well hang in there gotta get back to work talk later hope.

[SavingMyMarriage]

Hey LSG,

You situation sounds very similar to mine – I am also unemployed (laid off due to cost-cutting). Anyway, I can relate to you how you see some “hope” in the way your W treats you sometimes… I try to not let that affect me as much, even though it usually does a little bit.

As you probably know, you’re going to receive a lot of advice from this board (and much of it might differ). I received a lot of good advice when my W and I were still living together. I will admit that I did not listen to some of it. Some of it just wasn’t for me (and that’s just me) – I had an especially difficult time of totally detaching. Some also advised to kick her out (she moved out on her own anyway). I do agree that you need to work on yourself and that you can’t “control” your W. That was something that I usually wanted to do – control her to do the “right” thing (the thing I thought was right, at least). You can influence her though by modeling good behavior. It is SUPER difficult, don’t get me wrong. When I talk to my wife, it is really difficult, if I receive something in the mail regarding the D, I get sad, if I see her at work to drop off some mail, more sadness, etc. I can totally relate. What you might want to do is try to foresee what might happen next to prepare yourself (for example, you might want to prepare yourself emotionally if she decides to move out).

My wife didn’t want an attorney either – she told me in late August 2009 that she was filing for D and that we could do everything online. I told her that I didn’t want a D. I don’t know if that was the right response, because eventually she hired an attorney and then filed last March. She was very surprised and upset that I was contesting it. However, she hasn’t done anything with the D since she filed. I think this is because I don’t have a job yet. We only talk about once every week or two and it mostly about my job search – she’ll also send me some job leads, but that’s about it. She cut off all personal communication. I haven’t hired an attorney, but I do receive advice from a Christian attorney, who isn’t charging me (I really lucked out here).

It sounds like you have some good things going for you – you still talk to each other, you still live together, and you BOTH want what’s best for the kids. I believe that your W is in this “emotional trance”, like a “temporary insanity” (I’ve heard it described this way by different authors and therapists – both Christian and non-Christian). Anyone can change. Just like your W changed into this person who is having an A, she can change for the better. I’m not saying she WILL change, but there is the possibility that she will. I’ve spoken to therapists and read many books that indicate that it’s best to try to prolong the D process as long as possible, since people can change (the fog may eventually lift).

Take care.

[SavingMyMarriage]

Hey LSG,

I was re-reading parts of the Divorce Remedy this evening and I thought of you. You wrote, "I do not foresee reconciliation in the future if the D goes my way at the hearings. I believe that she will hate me forever."

I was reading page 36 & 37: "Although protecting oneself is important, sometimes the very things you do to protect your personal interests jeopardize the slightest hope that you and your partner will remain civil to one another, let alone consider reconciliation."

On a positive note, I again read some very positive stories and some encouraging words by Michele. I’m paraphrasing: Friends and family don’t want to see you hurting, so they might say move on. It might look like reconciliation is impossible, but as Michele wrote (Chapter 14): Expect the Impossible.

Lastly, I like what she wrote on Page 31, about some therapists’ views (and I think this can apply to friends and family members who give advice): “But this doesn’t stop many therapists from acting as if they have a crystal ball. They say, ‘If your husband won’t attend therapy, it means he’s not committed to your marriage and nothing you do will make a difference,’ or ‘It seems as if your wife has lost feeling for you, why don’t you just get on with your life?’ or ‘As long as your husband is having an affair, you might as well assume your marriage isn’t going to survive,’ or ‘Why are you hanging on to this marriage? Your wife has already filed for divorce?’ Although these predicaments make marital repair more challenging, none of them is, by any means, a marital death sentence. Telling people that their marriage is doomed is, in my opinion, fortune-telling at best and unethical at worst.”

Keep your head up!

[LSG]

DanF,

I am doing much better today. It was a rough few days for me. I am holding up. It so much what anyone says that helps. It was just nice to have some many people here be there for me when I needed it most.

Thank you for your support so much.

I will keep you updated on mediation. I don't expect much, or I will not change my mind on decisions. Maybe I should be more open to it, but I know what I want and will accept. Anything short of that is a "no" from me.

I know you are having a tough time, but it does move forward. I have found in our sitches that life changes so much in just a day.

I hope you have a lot more good ones than bad.