Still trying to find my way

[newmama]

Did some more thinking about why I'm having trouble letting go and moving on. I think it's because of what letting go and moving on mean to me. To me, if I let go of H it's like I'm saying I don't love him anymore. Which is so far from being the truth.

I RELATE 100%! HAVE BEEN THERE! I bet most of us have! Just wanted to validate.

And to move on means I'm saying that I accept he may never come back.
Which I don't, I'm still clinging desperately to the hope that he will come back and pray for it nightly. Logically I know that my interpretations of letting go and moving on aren't true, but I'm having a hard time believing it.

Wow, you are very clear headed if you ask me! And again, I have been there! In March of 2010 (a year after the separation) I started thinking that if I let go, it will only be "letting go of the current stbxh...I don't want him back. I want the old stbxh." It took me several months to get that. And I tried to think of us each being on separate journeys...a fork in the road...but that if God willed it, we would be together in the end OR I would be happy in the end (with or without stbxh). Just sharing.

And I do realize that I can't keep doing what I've been doing if I am going to win him back, I need to change it.

This is what SUCKS, Mystik...we can't WIN them back once they have left for OW. Nope. We can give them "pause" and kind of show what they are missing out on. BUt there is a law that the more we pursue, the less they will want us. (and I get it...but it is hard to fake detaching.) And so, the answer is to let them have their journey, take this time to work on ourselves and become stronger and happier, and then live our own journey without a deadline for when we think our H will be back. You see? I still have a teeny bit of hope and we are in the midst of a divorce!

But how do I reconcile my beliefs about letting go and moving on with changing things so he wants to come back to me?

See what I said above.

LETTING GO OF THE CURRENT H. You DO NOT WANT THIS VERSION OF YOUR H- one that will go back and forth between you and OW??? You want him to come to you after he fully sees for himself that OW is not what he wants in life.

MOVING ON from the CURRENT state of things, divorcing the current H, and giving it all to God. Divorce takes awhile to complete. People remarry after divorce.

So faking "moving on" will help YOU get confident and detach (it is what I did, so am passing along the advice in case others want to try it).

I started GAL while wanting my H back, and kept it to myself except here on DB forum. I swear that joining the single parents group really helped me see that life after H was possible and happy. Then I felt so guilty and sad when I had fun without H and when I pictured a life without him. (like moving on meant I didn't really love him enough or something). BUt, like I said, I realized that I didn't want the current H or the mentally ill H. It would make reconciliation less successful by far!

And your C doesn't know the future! She just wants you to stop "waiting" for H and start living your life!