How do I save my marriage to husband in MLC?

[RLay1100]

I went to my support group this last Wednesday and talked through a lot. We have come to a conclusion that in order to begin healing, I must first understand WHY I felt/feel like I deserved the abuse. I must not love and respect myself very much so that has to change. My counselor believes that until I realize that HE is to blame for the abuse (not me), there is no reason for me to get angry at him because I don't really see H has done anything wrong. That all does make a lot of sense to me.

The counselor suggested that I begin by loving and supporting myself with self-affirmations throughout each day. Of course, she always suggests writing (journaling). I am going to try.

I am still afraid of getting angry. Everyone in group said that there is no way around it, the anger WILL come and it is powerful. I can't imagine having any kind of power, and I don't know I can handle the anger. I'm afraid H will feel more guilty and ashamed and resent me for it all even more. I'm afraid of pushing him further away from me if I become angry.

I do know you're right, True, about me being codependent on my H. I feel like I am a nobody because my H thinks of and treats me like a nobody. All my self-worth is determined by my H's opinions of and behaviors toward me. Hopefully I can love and support myself out of that way of thinking...

By the way, tonight when I met my H to drop the boys off with him, he was nice and smiled and had that same look that he was happy to see me. I asked if he was okay, he said he was "fine". I hugged and kissed the boys as they got into his vehicle, giving little attention to H. He tried to engage me in conversation about his recent ill health (double ear infection, no sleep...) and I smiled, but cut him short. I told him I had immediate plans and needed to hurry away and walked off. He was still talking to me as I turned around and headed toward my vehicle. ;-) That felt SO good because usually I will stand there and just hang on his every word and try to say things to sooth him and make him feel better. This time, he is on his own.