New Game- Exposed

[MHL]

CD,

Let me give you a good example of the kinda of work I am talking about and really just how hard it is.

I used to have an anger management problem as people like to call it. W told me this after I kicked her out of the house about a year ago. I totally lost it, grabbed the suitcases threw her clothes in the bags and literally threw them out the front door, after that I went to garbage bags and really was throwing her stuff out the front door into our yard for everyone to see. Cops came, the whole nine yards right, big ugly mess.

So that lead to me going to Anger Management Therapy and start the digging and peeling the onion down, analyzing each layer and the why, and what and that lead to the next layer and so on. What I discovered in the end was that I did not really have an Anger Management Problem, that was just the symptom of the real problem. (This is somewhat explained in No More Mr. Nice Guy)

I had resentment for my Wife in some of the areas in our shared life together that I did not feel she was rising to the occasion for which made me form a judgement about her which lead to an emotion which lead to a feeling and wham before you know it I am having outbursts of Anger. I had to dig down to the "why did I have those expectations of my W", and can I rewire my brain to eliminate those expectations and appreciate what she did bring to the M.

The answer here is that I did and now it has changed how I interact with my W, my kids, my family, friends, co-workers, strangers basically everyone I come in contact with. I did the hard work and I changed. This did not happen over night, in fact I can honestly say it took probably 6 months for it really to soak in, and maybe another couple of months for it to become the “part of the fabric of who I am”.

Not saying that you can’t do things simultaneously and not saying that changes that you identify will take as long as mine did but this is a process. If the changes are superficial then you will fall right back into old habits as you said.

The only other things I could think of was "standing up for myself (at work and with her). 'No More Mr Nice Guy' is helping me understand that one. Plain as the nose on my face- THAT was a problem. Fear of conflict; not asking for what I wanted in the R; no boundaries; doormat; passive/aggressive 'contracts'; sexual repression. All of it. Frikkin textbook.

The books are great, take just one of those things and start to dig on it, and do it for you.

Now that I have more time I can spend more on getting my job back under control (and look at options) as well as setting the house up the way I like it.

This is great right here as it does two things, gets you focused on you and not your sitch, your W or your M and also when you achieve these things you will get a great deal of satisfaction which will give you that ego boost we all desparately need.

Your taking steps, that is the important thing, and make sure to allow your self time, I can not stress that enough……TIME…..hang in there and enjoy the rest of your vacation.

Cheers

[PEI]

So when she came around the old behaviours and motivations from the last long R eventually returned as conditioned bhvrs. I have to break that cycle.

Ahhh....the difference between moving on and moving forward.

We may be done with the past but the past isn't done with us.

CD I think you are heading in the right direction in your decision to work on yourself.

As you read, be careful not to focus too much on what you did with W.

It is important to see. It is the "WHAT" that happened.

The real questions are the "WHYs" and that takes mirror work.

Don't make changes for your W or your M.

Make changes for you. As Missher said find what stings in WHAT your W says.

Find WHAT you don't like in yourself.

Then.

Why you allow it to happen.

Then ...

Kill it.

AGREE! Where's that damned like button????

[Puppy Dog Tails]

AGREE! Where's that damned like button????

Must be next to the "rolling-on-the-floor, laughing" emoticon and the "munching popcorn" smiley.

Puppy

[CD Bear]

I'll have a look at the books recommended earlier (likely the softcore version) as I have a pretty good idea "where" I'm going with this "re-discovery".

But I appreciate the disctinction between the WHAT's and the WHY's. Additionally, I'll refer to "all" my relationships for notes as to WHAT so I can get all the WHY's.

Thanks everyone.

Since I'll get resistance/denial from W's mom, is there a softer angle/script I should work with?

[CD Bear]

So, an update. Turned D over to W. She had "somewhere to be" so I met her in town. I 'accidentally' offered a place near where she's staying. She said "Great. Thanks." (She has no idea I know what I do regarding where she is staying)

It really irks me that she can be so F'ing happy. And I have trouble EVERY TIME staying upbeat. I just go neutral. I did make a point of giving her the D details (she rides a tricycle now; blows bubbles in pools; likes to jump in and do waterslides) Then I walked to my car and she just kept talking about "stuff"

I saw some of OM's tools in her truck and some kitten food (so they bought a kitten together? WTF?!)

She apparently slept in our house at least once. Bed was "one person slept in" and she didn't open her mail or anything. Weird. No naked sweaty stuff or the "slight dust of cayenne" would have kicked in. (yes, I can be an A-hole)

I expected some more laundry gone or something. I understand why she doesn't want to be here. ME and the visual triggers of "us".

And she didn't look particularly good. Getting too thin now.

And for some reason I got a feeling in my gut that they will get their own little place soon. Don't know why but it popped in my head. Gotta get the GPS back in the truck. Toying with eBlaster but they don't have to do anything secret so I doubt she uses the laptop much. And I'm not sure I'd want to see whatever she does use it for? Am I being chickenshlt? SHould I do it anyway?

I did get the Dobson book. The Campbell book needs to be ordered in.

Thanks everyone.

I'm hoping to have some fun this weekend. Every time I have to see her it brings me down.

[CD Bear]

Hey, Missherlove.

I justed wanted to add a special thank you for the last big contributions you made.

I do appreciate your input and perspective on my sitch.

It's hard today to look at time so kindly as she seems to be getting deeper and deeper into the pit of A (Rhymes with Pit of Despair- a favorite line of mine from "The Princess Bride" And it seems poetically appropriate)and further and further from our M. And so F'ing happy and chatty. I JUST can't get into the matching mode.

Anyway, I've re-read your last two biggies a couple of times. Put them in my "Excerpt Document"

Thanks again.

Looking forward to hearing from you again.

-CD

[Quicksilver264]

It really irks me that she can be so F'ing happy. And I have trouble EVERY TIME staying upbeat. I just go neutral.

CD Bear.

Read my last 2 posts in my thread about my wife coming home today.

She was singing, SMUG, and took HUGE enjoyment at watching a FRACTION of TIME in my reaction when she blindsided me about moving out.

She kept pressuring me about responding to the divorce complaint and I said "I'll do it in my OWN TIME"

THEN SHE JUST LAUGHED AND SAID "OK", with this SMUG grin on her face. Like she was making fun of me.

There are 2 POSSIBILITIES HERE FOR YOU AND ME.


1) They BELIEVE what is going on in their head is TRUE HAPPINESS (Your wife) or they are 110% CORRECT about something (my wife).

2) They ARE BLUFFING OR FAKING.

In both SITUATIONS, when REALITY SETS IN, shyte is going to HIT THE FAN for them because:

1) You can't make someone REALIZE that they are living a pipe dream.

2) Trying to call their bluff at the WRONG TIME makes you look weak.

So, by logic you and I therefore MUST

1) Wait and bide our time until their happiness poofs away in a cloud of smoke and REALITY SETS IN

2) WE CONTROL OUR EMOTIONS and call their BLUFF AT THE RIGHT TIME.

And by logic, in BOTH CASES, when REALITY SETS IN, THEY ARE THE ONES THAT LOSE IT because they realize they were living a pipe dream, or that we MASTERFULLY outplayed them. They CAN'T DEAL with that type of ADVERSITY like you and I now can.

So after I left, my intel system caught her talking to her mom, and i SPECIFICALLY heard:

"He's BLUFFING about not selling the house, I totally think when I move out he will be packing up too. IF NOT, then I am going to have to call my lawyer and see what's next".


So, I REGAINED MY COMPOSURE after a messup, and HELD STRONG. She THEN HAD TO CALL HER MOOOOOOMMMMYYYYYY. WAAAHHHHHHHH.

And do you know why YOU AND ME come out on top?

Because we have done the preparation, we have soul-searched, we have faced down our demons, and we have stared utter despair in the face and chosen to rise to the occasion, we have found strength inside weakness, and we haven't run from our fears and insecurities.

[CD Bear]

Intersting you said just that. OM's W and I just went back and forth on this exact same thing.

Both my W and OM have a tendency to "spend" their way to happiness (i.e. out of depression; self-image; inadequacy). So now that they think they ahev the exposure covered by the "we started hanging out a month ago when we were both separating" they now bought a kitten or kittens; W just posted *MX* on the BBM (going to Mexico?)

Reality is coming and it's gonna be a beatch.

Ironically, OM starts a course in September (and isn't paid to do it) so he has no money or time. W just took an unpaid vacation. So his W and I figure a winter break- they are planning a future that will implode about the time of the trip.

[Truegritter]

It really irks me that she can be so F'ing happy.

What will help you detach from this emotion?

that we MASTERFULLY outplayed them.

Now the hard part begins...because this is true

Because we have done the preparation, we have soul-searched, we have faced down our demons, and we have stared utter despair in the face and chosen to rise to the occasion, we have found strength inside weakness, and we haven't run from our fears and insecurities.

BUT

The game isn't over.

You played the game because you wanted something.

You wanted your M back

You wanted to know why this happened.

You wanted to prove to yourself that you are better than what has happened to you.

Better than someone's choice about you.

So what happens now? She is not coming back right now so...

You wait until you are vindicated when it all blows up in her face?

Is that the "win" you want?

What is success for you here?

Let me share a little quote I carry around from Christopher Reeve (Superman)

"To be truly free in life takes either tragedy or courage. To my children I certainly recommend the latter."

We all have certainly experienced tragedy here.

It is what we learn from it that is important.

[CD Bear]

It really irks me that she can be so F'ing happy.

What will help you detach from this emotion?

That is the answer I am seeking and not sure in which layer of the onion it lies. Any suggestions?

Because we have done the preparation, we have soul-searched, we have faced down our demons, and we have stared utter despair in the face and chosen to rise to the occasion, we have found strength inside weakness, and we haven't run from our fears and insecurities.

BUT

The game isn't over.
You played the game because you wanted something.
You wanted your M back
You wanted to know why this happened.
You wanted to prove to yourself that you are better than what has happened to you.
Better than someone's choice about you.
So what happens now? She is not coming back right now so...
You wait until you are vindicated when it all blows up in her face?
Is that the "win" you want?
What is success for you here?

The best "poke in the eye question" I have seen in a long time. THIS is exactly the question I needed to ask myself. Perhaps the question above about her being happy and my reaction is "in" this question? THANK YOU for the way you wrote this. It is EXACTLY the question I need to answer. AND it would appear that:

1-Getting "the girl I married" back
2-Getting "the man I was when I got married" back
3-Building a "NEW" marriage that will allow my D to develop to her highest potential
- is the definition of successs for me. This experience MUST make us BOTH smarter about R's or the new M will fail, too.

Now that I look at the answers, though I wrote them in the order they popped into my head, they are actually reversed in priority(interesting)

However, the ONLY thing I can actually do anything about DIRECTLY and with CERTAINTY is MY LIFE

"To be truly free in life takes either tragedy or courage. To my children I certainly recommend the latter."

We all have certainly experienced tragedy here.
It is what we learn from it that is important.

And, to refer to the Reeve quote, this tragedy ALSO gives us the opporunity to find; summon; develop; and USE our COURAGE!!

Thanks again, Gritter.

A perfect start to my long weekend.