I'm finally going to post my sitch. I've been lurking here for months and I could use a few 2x4's to get me on track.
My husband and I have been together for 15+ yrs and we've been married almost 13 years. We have 5 children. My husband started making waves about our marriage about 4 years ago. He was having an emotional affair with his secretary. He sat me down and told me he was no longer attracted to me, I didn't satisfy him in the bedroom, I was self centered and I yelled at the kids too much. At first I was flabbergasted...couldn't believe what he was saying. I thought he was being a total jerk because I worked so hard to be a good wife and mother. I also thought one of the best part of our marriage was our sex life. I loved being with him and could not recall a single time I had ever denied him. I took a good hard look at myself and did lots of reading and soul searching. I went to church and I had an encounter with Jesus even though I wasn't a believer. I realized what he was saying was true and I set out to make some changes. I didn't know what a 180 was but I started doing them. In short, my husband and I went on to have the best three years of our marriage.
In the meantime, his mother passed away and his brother moved his family to another country. My husband wasn't happy with his job so started looking for his dream job which he found several states away. We were very excited to move and I was looking forward to a new life and working part-time and spending time with my family. We didn't count on the housing market crash. In short, we couldn't sell our house and I couldn't swing a job transfer so my husband moved alone.
Within 6 weeks he started having an affair. He came home to visit and I knew something was wrong immediately. He admitted his affair and said he was in love with her. I was devastated. I couldn't understand how we could be at such a good place and this could happen in such a short time. He was saying and doing things I could never have imagined. He was totally smitten by this woman. I did all the wrong things...begged and pleaded, laid the guilt on about our 5 children. He wouldn't tell me anything about the OW but I knew it had to be someone he worked with for it to happen in such a short time. I immediately hooked up with a Christian counselor who had me read "love must be tough" by Dobson. I applied the principles and my husband immediately ended his affair.
I didn't know anything about the OW and he refused to give me info. It wasn't until he or she defriended the other on FB that I figured out her identity. It was his 24 yo assistant who was on her second marriage. I blew a gasket that my husband would cheat with someone so young. It bordered on pedophilia in my mind. He said he didn't tell me about her because he didn't want me to expose to her husband and he thought they could still be friends! I didn't talk to him for weeks. She eventually quit her job which I confirmed with the office manager and we struggled to put our marriage back together while living 500 miles apart.
He didn't seem much interested in the marriage or the children at times but he stuck it out. He was acting out and doing things totally against his character. He was always a homebody but started going out all the time and he started abusing alcohol. We fought a lot, something we have never done in our marriage. Two months ago I finally managed a job transfer and we sold our house and I moved 500 miles with our children. I gave up my home, job, friends and family to reconcile with him.
It has been a rough transition. He would come and stay with us a few days, pick a fight and go back to his apartment. Eventually, I had enough and told him I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me and I told him to get out. He did and we've had very little communication in the past three weeks.
I've read DR but I'll admit I haven't applied the principles very well. I have been trying the LRT and have been more at peace and he seems to be more at peace with this technique although he appears to be done with this marriage. He has basically abandoned me and our children although he has shown more interest in us over the past week.
I know I need to start GAL which has been hard since I work full time and have been caring for these 5 children all alone. I have never gotten the ILBINILWY speech. He has maintained all along that he loves me but he just doesn't know what he wants. I know he is entertaining divorce but he waffles over the effect on the children. He also waffles with me...talks about me like I'm a resume....constantly telling me I'm everything anyone would want in a wife yet he is not here. He has gone weeks without contacting me but recently has been wanting to spend time with me and the children. He came over last night and I blew it when I tried to have a R talk. It is so frustrating to live in limbo and not know what is going on with your life. I know I need to keep my mouth shut but it is really hard sometimes. I'm pretty blunt and usually let people know exactly what I'm thinking. I'm not sure how some of you do this.
I know I need to start working on GAL and detaching. I've also been working a few 180's. It's just all so hard. I truly love this man and cannot imagine a life without his friendship. It's also hard to move on when 5 young children are involved. I'm posting because I need a plan and I'm not sure where to go from here. I also know I do better when I'm held accountable and I haven't been doing such a hot job this past year. Any and all comments are welcome.
