Looks like I locked myself out of my own thread last night!
I trust my pal Pam might help with a link here??? Pretty Please?
Classes went well today. Things seem just fine with CJ...I'm looking forward to our leftovers for dinner: his roasted red pepper pasta and our double-baked stuffed potatoes...chicken...fresh green beans
Can you tell I didn't have lunch today? Didn't get home until 4 p.m. and it just seems ridiculous then!
I bought a pedometer on friday, just to monitor how much I'm getting around. A friend of mine gave me the idea. She'd just bought one and I was lamenting not working out enough. She said "I'll bet you walk a lot when you're at school"...turns out she was right! I beat each weekend day total (including a 45 minute walk last night) before I even left campus today!
Do NOT ask me how far I went. The pedometer reads 7.85 miles for today so far ...Sounds IMPRESSIVE, huh?
Probem is, I just opened the package and strapped it on...I THINK the stride length is set at 3 feet!!! HA HA HA~ I'm pretty sure my strides are a wee bit smaller, especially around the house.
I like the title to your new thread. Why is it that every time I stop by, you're talking about food? C'mon Shiny, help me out here! LOL. J/K. It always sounds so yummy!!
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
That supper of yours sounded simply devine! I ended up making marinated pork-chops, sauteed zuchinni and yellow squash w/ portabello muchrooms, onion rings (for H only...he is hooked on them right now) and a nice salad
Hmmm...I wonder if there are any leftovers??
Can't wait to read more of the great things you and CJ are accomplishing TOGETHER!
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Thought I'd save myself from the bottom of page #2.
Just posting some journalling I did earlier today. Then I must get some work done!
I just have to get some of this out.
I feel like we’re sleep walking through our days: I get up, CJ’s on his laptop. I work, he works. Or I go to work, he works. I come home, he works. He says he has just a few more minutes to finish something off…but keeps on working for another two or three hours.
Now it’s really not so much the amount of time he’s on there that bothers me. Not really as I do support his academic successes. It’s the sense I get that while we might not be falling into OLD patterns, patterns that led him to despise and want to leave me, but that we’re starting NEW patterns that aren’t all that much better.
We don’t talk about US. We don’t speak of the past year. For the most part the latter is okay with me. But the former?
I would LOVE to know what CJ feels is DIFFERENT now…how is this Marriage better than the one he wanted to escape?
I feel that this is CRUCIAL, as if needs are still going unmet, issues swept under the carpet, then we are BOTH vulnerable to drifting apart and wanting out.
Perhaps CJ feels that all of his stuff IS “out there”. He IS calling me on stuff, when I slip up, we DO get along much better all around.
But some of MY issues are still there….WHY should I have to “Ride him” on getting the taxes done? That was mentioned about 3-4 weeks ago and still nothing.
The sex thing is just getting ridiculous…is it good or bad that my sex drive is lower now and it doesn’t bother me AS much?
Can we have a sexless marriage? I don’t think so. I don’t Want that! I know that my sleep cycle plays a role, but I just feel stymied on this. I’m afraid to come on to him some evening as I’ve been rebuffed…stupid, I know. It’s now been MONTHS since any sexual contact whatsoever.
And I’m not at all happy with the quality of our other intimacies….I feel like CJ evaded the issue when I asked him about his “buss” kisses at D & H’s. He said we shared some kisses after the bathroom incident, but the fact that I can’t recall them suggests to me that they weren’t all that memorable. Our kisses rarely are. I feel like I’m forcing them on him, and he’s trying to escape.
So what is it? Is my technique a lot worse than I’ve been led to believe over the years? If anything I used to feel I was the better kisser (a little too open and wet at times), but now I’d second guessing even that.
So has CJ been filling my love tanks? Words of affirmation: certainly for cooking and such. But as for appearance and desire, not so much.
About the best is “you’re not fat” when I bitch and moan. How much better to hear: “You’re sexy as hell no matter what you weigh! “
I mean, on Halloween, I got the sense that CJ was more concerned that I not look TOO sexy than anything else. (CJ: so…what are you wearing? And I detected relief when I said top, jacket, pants…)
When he checked me over before we left for the party it didn’t feel like I was his sexy wife and he appreciated my efforts and looks, it was like he was a disapproving father making sure “nothing was hanging out”.
Now he DID say it looked “great”…but I suppose I’m longing to hear MORE!! “Ooooh, kitty cat! Let me make you purr!”
I KNOW he’s capable of this…MY GOD the endearments and compliments he wrote to HER. I’m crying right now just thinking of them. It would be so much easier if I thought him incapable of such attention, such desire, but clearly it’s just not there for ME.
I don’t feel that I‘m attractive to CJ in any way. Thus it leads me to seriously wonder what will become of us.
I’ve been thinking of Tal’s idea of asking CJ to write me a love letter…maybe for Christmas. I’m almost afraid to do this! Why? Because I wonder if it would be an easy task for him, or nearly impossible. Something he looks forward to doing or something he dreads.
I wonder if I’M capable of writing such a letter to HIM right now.
I beat each weekend day total (including a 45 minute walk last night) before I even left campus today! 
...Sounds IMPRESSIVE, huh?
I ended up making marinated pork-chops, sauteed zuchinni and yellow squash w/ portabello muchrooms, onion rings (for H only...he is hooked on them right now) and a nice salad 
I know that my sleep cycle plays a role, but I just feel stymied on this. I’m afraid to come on to him some evening as I’ve been rebuffed…stupid, I know. It’s now been MONTHS since any sexual contact whatsoever.