Unfortunately, my H was still fairly resistant to the idea that there were problems to start off with, because our biggest issue is/was our communication. Neither of us had learned how to work through conflict together - so, we'd just avoid it until it built into this 18 year old wall of resentment, unacknowledged hurts and disconnect. The other biggies were that I never knew how to ask for support, and he didn't know how to offer it; and finally, how to give and receive affection.
So some of the changes I've been asking for (edit: and initiating): to share more meaningful communication (beyond talking about the weather!); asking/telling him that it's not fair to blame me for our problems any more, (this is a toughie); to avoid dismissing me if I have a concern; to talk out problems instead of just avoiding one another; to not judge me for being more emotional than him; asking for support and hugs when I need it; spending more time together - even just asking to spend more time with one another, like we go on a weekly date-night now; our sex life... blehhh... it's still just NOT good.
But all those bad habits were so entrenched, it's taking a long time to create new patterns.
FMV, I took out very little in my editing; everything left I could have written. This is the post of yours that made me realize how similar our situations are. We are coming on our 20th anniversary. We are in marriage counseling, but, ironically, while it's brought a lot of clarity and understanding, one of the things I've come to understand is that it just probably isn't ever going to be much better.
At times I am absolutely stricken with grief and guilt and shame over my part in allowing us to get so entrenched in the -- as you so aptly put it -- "wall of resentment, unacknowledged hurts and disconnect". But truly, for so long I didn't even know what to ask for, much less how. And now that I do see and understand what I need and am not willing to settle for feeling secondary, my husband is just bewildered by why I'm no longer okay with what he truly honestly thinks has been a good marriage.
It makes me unutterably sad when I think about the inevitability; even our counselor admits she doesn't know if we can get through it. We're both trying, though, which at least makes the interim more tolerable and perhaps with enough practice we will find ourselves reconnecting.
