It's ok. I deserve a bit of ribbing for my past wishy washy behavior. That message I sent back last year was a mistake in that I didn't entirely follow through on it, but it did change my whole demeanor toward my W, and was a big step in the right direction. Our whole dynamic pivoted that day. I took control of my life. I compelled her to go mediation, I was tough with her, I insisted we do Christmas completely separate, I refused to allow her to take the kids out of the country. When it came to finalizing our legal papers though, I knew I was still too angry to do it with a clear head, so I put it off for a few months, and while I did, she came around to me, and here we are.
I have detached significantly since then. This new message will not be delivered by e-mail, but rather face to face. It will not be laced with anger or resentment. Although the thought of divorce has been too much for me to bear in the past, even I have been slowly broken down. We've been physically separated for a year and a half. Our M has been emotionally non-existent for another year on top of that. If we can't move toward reconciliation, our M has to end. I need to move on.
I don't think I've posted here that a couple months ago, when our reconciliation was looking good, my W invited me to go to Disney World with her and the kids. She even bought a plane ticket for me. Last night she sent me a picture of her brother's new puppy, from my daughter. This morning she texted me, saying they were excited about going to the beach today, asking how I am, and how I feel about going to Disney. I responded a couple hours later with "Hi W, I'm good. Swamped this morning. Thanks for the message from D6 last night. Us going to Disney together isn't appropriate if we are dating other people. Enjoy the beach. Sounds great."
"Hi W, I'm good. Swamped this morning. Thanks for the message from D6 last night. Us going to Disney together isn't appropriate if we are dating other people. Enjoy the beach. Sounds great."
Although the thought of divorce has been too much for me to bear in the past, even I have been slowly broken down.
I hear you on this one. I'm there too.
Originally Posted By: futureunknown
I responded a couple hours later with "Hi W, I'm good. Swamped this morning. Thanks for the message from D6 last night. Us going to Disney together isn't appropriate if we are dating other people. Enjoy the beach. Sounds great."
I agree with pinhead, great reply. In that short reply you conveyed that you were busy GAL, you vaildated her, set a boundary, and you were cheerful. Nice job future.
Wanted to check in again and give you my support. The vets are giving you great advice.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
Oh, and I know there are other men in the picture now. She told me about two of them. That was the whole point of her conversation the other morning. She realized she doesn't want to deal with this crap any more, she just wants to live, and she's gotten interest from a couple guys. She said doesn't see much happening, but she wants to take the opportunity to live with no obligation for a while, and if she chooses to spend time with someone else, she doesn't want to feel like she's doing something wrong. Hence the whole "let's date other people" proposal.
I'm torn. I myself even said a while back to her mother, while I was dating some other women, and appreciating the value it was giving me, I said "If W really wants to figure out what she wants in life, she shouldn't be all obsessed with OM on the other side of the world, she should date some other people here for a while." I actually get it. I agree with Gucci and others here, if she was FEELING it for me, she'd have no interest in dating others. A few months ago she was FEELING it for me, after she transferred the responsibility of being her savior from OM to me, but deep down she knows she can't do that any more. That's always how her FEELINGS for men manifested themselves, and she's trying to grow past that. I give her credit for trying to face that demon, but we obviously can't be married while she's doing it, if dating other men is part of it. So that'll be the sacrifice she'll need to make.
Classic cat and mouse again. Become the one that's getting away. Make her work for it this time. Tell her you're done and go dark. You can't force her to want YOU. YOU can make her WANT what she CANT have.
PMA_Baby, I've already been down that road. This time there is no need to make some grand statement about "being done". I'll just lay out my boundary, and if she chooses to date others, I won't be available to her. I might even do the gucci thing, and say "I'm sure we'll still see each other once in a while", but then never be available to her.
I admit I am wondering what her reaction to my text was. No response as of yet.
I might even do the gucci thing, and say "I'm sure we'll still see each other once in a while", but then never be available to her.
You don't even have tell her anything ... just go dark ... be busy .... except for the kids where you will always be available ... no invitations to WAW for fun family outings .... no flirting .... nothing, nada. Be Mr. Ice, Mr. Seeya later, or not. I think she has to decide now, or never. Maybe she needs to see the other side of a D, what it's truly like, and maybe you and her may fall in love again later.
I'm hoping for that with my H 'cause we are not into each other now. Who knows?
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Maybe she needs to see the other side of a D, what it's truly like, and maybe you and her may fall in love again later.
I'm hoping for that with my H 'cause we are not into each other now. Who knows?
BeingMe, that's an interesting comment. Even in your decision to end your M, there is still hope.
I'll return to how I was earlier this year, which is exactly as you describe. Back then I had a tinge of anger inside me that usually permeated. I'm hoping to avoid that this time, but it's very difficult when I see my kids being hurt by her actions.
I agree with pinhead, great reply. In that short reply you conveyed that you were busy GAL, you vaildated her, set a boundary, and you were cheerful. Nice job future.
Wanted to check in again and give you my support. The vets are giving you great advice.
Thanks mza8! Yeah, I'm very thankful for everyone's help and support here. I've followed your sitch as well. Tough road, for sure.
