This is where a good, pro-marriage MC can help you deal with the anger, guilt and resentment you're both feeling.
We have had 4 sessions. Our next one is Thursday. He went out of town and we had to wait 2 weeks becuase of that and my wifes work, I knew going that long in between would be a problem. She is suspose to bring him a list of things she wants on the next trip (since she was having trouble deciding what she wants) I was suspose to not ask for a commitment from her either on anything. I have done that since we talked to him on the phone 3 days ago. I hope she keeps going. I just need to find a way to let her give this time before she makes up her mind, and get her to calm down, while also droping the thought that this is going to fail before we have a chance. She has got to atleast think there is some sort of chance. You cant put the work in if you think your wasting your time.
Ok, Vulcanized gave you a list of stuff to do. DO IT. Don't think about it, just DO IT. She needs space, less pressure, breathing room. If you smother her, instinct is going to lead her in one of two directions: flee or fight. Neither is what you want, so cool it.
Seriously, go re-read Vulcanized's post. Those should be your 10 Commandments now. I know it's hard, feels impossible to detach right now. But you have to.
If you want to fight for your marriage, to save it if it's salvageable, you have to be a man. Be strong when you're afraid. Be brave when panic strikes. It sounds like a cliche, but you can do this.
So I guess I dont need to ask her to calm down and give it time anymore? She said she wouldnt give me a answer either way last night after earlier that day saying she was pretty much done. At least she didnt say no, right? ha ha Its hard to know what she means and doesnt mean because when she gets mad or fustrated she will say anything. I guess today when we go see the pastor I will get a idea of what shes thinking today. Im not sure this move will do anything I hope it somehow doesnt make it worse, but I feel in my heart we should go. Ive tried to get back in church the last several months but her job wont let us. I found a church that has the hours to support us, but she is not ready. I didnt find that church until after the affair. She feels God doesnt answers her prayers and is just not interested. But this guy is a people person. He is very positive guy. I just want her to her more encourging words, shes doesnt get that from alot of folks. Again anything that might convience her to give it more time, thats all. She said last night that if this went a year and didnt work I would blame her for wasting a year of my life. I said no, a year of my life is worth the chance of keeping the family together.
Give her space to think. Be available to listen if she brings up the subject. Listen, listen, listen. Don't tell her what to think, what you think etc.
If she asks you what you think (after you've listened to her) tell her that you need some time to process what she's said.
Don't go into "fix-it" mode. You need to be understanding here.
She text me today at 10:30 I left my phone at home so I wouldnt text her. I just got home. She said she wanted to let me know she was coming in the house and didnt want me to think it was someone else. ( I guess she is with her mom). Then sent as second one that said she didnt come in, she just checked the mail it was all hers. I just sent one that read "Is it Ok to pick you up at 350pm for our meeting with Steve today? How did your Dr Apt go? She sent back "Yea, it went fine". She thought she had a bladder infection and she did, She gets those about 4 times a year, I sent a text asking if she had a infection and she replied " Yes, but got meds". I said I hope you feel better. She replied " Thanks".
When she is short shes usually pissed off and doesnt want to talk to me. And thats common here lately. Ill just leave it at that until I pick her up at 4.
To me she sounded really confused for the last two weeks. And really didnt know what to do. Now I think she is confused but is a strong divorce lean. But, I dont know. She never said she was filing but said she was pretty much done. So I dont know where we are at. I know its not good.
Until she said your wife hasnt seen a lawyer ( which she hasnt yet) but then she says your still living under the same room and she can see your changes (which my wife is not)
Wow.......I told our counsler I made the apt with a pastor (My counsler is a Christian base counsler, but not a bible thumper, if that makes since) and he told me not to take my wife today! He said I pressured her to go and that if I didnt stop I would lose. He said she will go when she is ready. He told me not to discuss anything with her unless she brings it up, anything. So I called and left her a message that I was going by myself and I was sorry for pressuring her and I needed it to help me become a better husband and that when we get to that point and she wants to go that the Pastor would see us at anytime. I know she knows the counsler told me to do that but she also knows it kills me to do that because I wanted her to speak to him for about a year.
