I don't why you can't deal with this time in your marriage the way we've advised others on this forum to manage their marriage when a wayward spouse returns to the marriage following an affair. Just b/c you had consented to the A really doesn't change your approach now in my opinion.
Yeah I can see that you are right here. Again Im not being argumentative. I just dont want to give up. Probably too stubborn for my own good. I just hadnt considered her a wayward spouse because I did agree to all of this. She wasnt doing anything I didnt say was okay. Until the last year or so. And then I was always told "Rob you consented.".
Require transparency on her part. The security that she is indeed ALL IN going forward is necessary for you to heal and the marriage to get feet firmly on the ground.
I have forced the transparency part. What I am unable to get answered is if she is all in. She says she can do everything (and largely is) but the intimacy/sex part. She is being honest with me now and saying she isnt sure when she can do that again...if ever.
You've already put the boundary about OM in place. But AZ, if she's just coming back to be in a sort of roommate arrangement with you, is that satisfying for you?
No, not at all. But do I need to give her time to recover from that? Its been six weeks or so. My problem is...and its really a big problem for me, I dont know how much time I need to give her to get over him. Is six weeks enough, six months? I mean I dont want her to be having sex with me and thinking of him. I dont want to go there. One of the things I was hoping to find out here was how much time is enough time to expect her to recover from the other fellow and start really being married again?
If not, this boundary should be declared, as well. "Wife, I understand that you are working through and struggling with many things right now. I'm patient but not a martyr. I need intimacy in my marriage and I want to know if you will commit to what it will take to work toward that goal for us." That could be counseling, Retro weekend and follow up, religious counseling or whatever you all find.
Well I ahve been honest with her in this regard. And told her I can do this now, I cannot do it forever. I actually had her talked into therapy for about an hour a couple of days ago. But she backpeddled on it quickly. She does not want anyone to tell her what to do, and thats what a therapist will do. SO that remains off the table. She has told me, here and there, that the no sex thing isnt forever. But me being me, it sure feels like it is for right now.
Also, it is important for you to take care of AZ. You have got to have some scar tissue from these last 6 years of open marriage. Self image, self esteem, confidence, all must have taken a hit.
They all certainly have. But I have a lot of self confidence. What is making it flag right now is that the person IM use to being myself with is telling me to be anything but myself. I could go out tomorrow, and this I have little doubt of and find someone to treat me the way I deserve. SO I have the confidence. I just believe in all that marriage stuff...I truly do...and we are definetly in the "worst" part of those vows right now.
How are you going to recover that ground?
Well Im unsure right now, which is why Im doing this here on this forum.
What do you do for fun - just for you? Where are your interests and are they reflected in your life?
I have/had plenty of things I do for myself. And I did frequently. Well I was until we really started running aground here. I find myself unable to let my mind go on this stuff. Its ironically the same lack of concentration I always had when ever she was shagging her boyfriend...only instead of an hour or two now its 24/7. Id kill to be able to just let my mind have some peace for a while.
Hobbies? Friends? Taking care of you is KEY!
I have more then a few friends, but they are really pushing me to dump her. ANd that makes it more difficult. (They are saying thats the way for me to take care of me). I am stuck. I really really think she is dealing with a serious bout of depression here. I spent a lot of time gather evidence of that prior to her ending it with the other fellow. That hasnt changed, but ending it has just made it worse. She is not being herself. ANd for me to leave her...it just feels like Im abandoning a sick person.
I dont know...like I said, Im not exactly the pillar of being focused myself right now.
I have already begun to implimentquite a few things everyone has said here. It is hard without question, but I dont want you guys (and gals) to think IM just coming here and ignoring you. Im not.
