How To Tell The Kids

[BeingMe]

Hi Dan, I found your thread instead. Here are my links to my sad, sorry story.

As you can see, I have been here a long time, so I was posting in piecing for awhile, since H and I were supposedly reconciling - Keep Moving Forward http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1723570

Then, when I decided it wasn't working, I went onto the MLC site because I knew a lot of the posters there, and I think my H was (and, maybe still is) in MLC - Still Moving Forward http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2014299

I will try and catch up with your sitch.

[A_goodman]

Hey man, back up a minute. That big bag o' cabbage was because you're kicking a$$ and taking names. Everything isn't what you wanted, but some aspects of life are REALLY good right now. You're getting closer to your kids, you are making friends and influencing people, both on the outside and here.

I'm not going to blow smoke up your skirt, but I don't think you're all the way done-for with your W either. I'm really hoping she pulls her head out and sees what she's been trying to dismantle. I know you well enough to know that you don't like all this adversarial stuff. I don't like it either, it's not about winning some stupid contest. But in the end, whichever way they go, WE will be the ones who're better off even though we didn't want it.

Dude, go celebrate being an excellent worker this weekend. Then start planning to put on that damn patio. This time will pass. But a patio, well that will stand for a long time as tribute to your excellent year. Every time you enjoy a brat and some suds out there it'll make you feel proud. One day, I'll sit out there with you and we'll power through some Churchills together.

Congratulations Dan-O I'll hoist a bottle or two to you tonight.

[PMA_Baby!]

I second that. Now go put in a pool greaseball I mean Griswold

[DanF]

Thanks goodman. I needed that!

Being, u don't need to catch-up w me. It is a long thread, just kump in. It is standard WAW fare.

I'm sure you know all of this already, but I just wanted to make sure that your H understands what he is doing wrong. I know that I didn't understand until it was too late. My W never told me, I read about it in a book AFTER she blew-up in January.

We all put our thought and feelings on this site, but did you ever really sit down and have a heart to heart with your H? H, you know that I love you and I really want to have a deeper emotional connection with you, bit I am struggling with that because I feel you are invalidating my feelings. When you say "don't worry about it" it makes me feel (however you feel). What other issues are there? Tell him. Maybe u already did IDK.

I thought my M was pretty good. W would nag a little, bit nothing major. Never had a sit down as above and then a major blow-up. ILYBNILWY. Looking back, it seems like it should have been so easy. I wanted and still want to give her what she needs, I just didn't understand what that was and she never told me or asked until it was too late.

All I am saying is don't make the same mistake.

[BeingMe]

Been there, done that, many times. It's as if somehow, it will be okay if he does it often enough. My H didn't bother telling me how unhappy he was ... just went straight to having the EA, then it seemed he had been miserable all our M. She was his "soul mate" (I used to be the one). Rewrote our history. I didn't think our M was one built in fairyland, not completely ideal, but it sounded like he had been in purgatory for 19 years. Go figure! It's weird that I was the one who was the LBS, now I am the WAW. I am not comfortable with that title, but I really, really have tried to get through to him. It's strange, but since we decided to call it quits, things have felt calmer. So, I think it's the right thing to do, ultimately.

With your sitch, I think your W may not have told you, but we all have a part to play in the demise of a M. And, that's where she went wrong. Instead of just assuming you knew what she felt, she should've told you. Now, she has put her children's family in jeopardy --- the children she purports to love so much. Kids rarely get over D completely. Instead of turning to another man, she should've done all she could to fix the M, to make sure you understood the gravity of the situation. But, what's done is done, and one has to move forward from this place.

I just have to say, what a cheek she has in snooping in your blackberry when she is the one that cheated. But, on the other hand, I hope that you have come to the conclusion that there is no point in snooping yourself. It takes up too much energy, and if you find something, then so what? You are still, apparently, getting a D. So, act like it.

Not sure at what point you're at, but your W (up to where I read) seems to want to be D'ed and free to do as she pleases, while you still pay the bills, etc. IOW, she wants the financial side of M, but not the emotional/family side. Do I have it right?

She can't have it both ways. I am expecting things to change a lot for me, but my H and I are good friends, and I think we always will be. I don't think he wants a S, but he also realizes that I can't go on with the charade. We are "lucky" that our kids are all out of school, bar one who is starting university in Sept. What is different with me is that I don't have OM, and certainly don't want one. If H wants to get involved with OW then I have no problem as long as he does it away from the house, and children until we are D'ed, if it goes that far.

Okay, that's my 2c worth.

[Jstar]

u would suggest that now?

[DanF]

Sorry Being. Didn't mean to offend anyone. I just picked-up you invalidation comment off of Future's thread and it hit home for me because I'm sure that's how my W feels about me, but I never understood it. I'm sorry it has come to this for you. I'll try not to offer advice to people anymore unless I am up to date on their thread.

Regarding my sitch. I think you have it right. She wants the D, just not RIGHT NOW. She wants her summer with the kids and for me to give her $ while she is working part-time. I suppose that is why she is still doing my laundry, so she can claim she is still doing what she used to do, so I should do the same. Will wait for the court to tell me on Tuesday what I need to do. Then we'll know wxactly what has to happen between now and when the D is final in 4 months.

I hope you somehow find peace and happiness at the end of this.

Thanks!

[LSG]

DanF,

I wish the best for you at the hearing. It will be tough I am sure for you. Be calm and positive no matter what. You will be okay for sure.

You deserve peace and happiness too.

[BeingMe]

No offense taken, Dan. I realized you weren't aware of the entire story. I probably would've been still trying if H hadn't had the EA, but not putting his best foot forward to prove that he can be trusted and showing he loves me, has made me love him less, and now not at all despite my warning him many times over the last 5 or 6 years. Oh well, his loss. I hope you find a good resolution in your sitch. Even if you D, there is always hope if the love is still there. You haven't been married long enough for her to have lost hers. Deep down, she probably does still love you, and as they say, it is more a choice than a feeling.

Thanks for the good wishes for me. I do already have peace and happiness because I choose it, whether married or not. I am living a truthful life, not putting up a front to make others comfortable, and there is a certain freedom in that. For a long time, I did want the dream of a good M, but it seems it's not going to happen for me. I am happy to have a good friendship. I, for instance, still make my H dinner, and will wait for him. Your W is being foolish denying you the pleasure of eating dinner with your children. And, petty, IMO.

Take care.

[DanF]

Thanks Being,

If W still does love me, she certainly isn't showing it. She doesn't believe that it is a choice, we had that conversation. She only believes in feelings and right now, she says she doesn't have any for me.


Trying to stay strong.....thanks