Ok. My 2nd husband of 3.5 yrs said, "I'm done." This came after 2 days of being out of sync with each other, on June 29, 10. Found out later, he had very recently begun texting with someone else. He's slowly moving all of his things out and is almost done. We are being very civil but he refuses to say anything more about it. He only said I tried to control his whole life. I've thought about this for 4 weeks, tried it on for size and it just doesn't fit. We were best friends, we were about to be empty nesters, we had suffered through the "joys" of step-parenting high school girls who didn't get along. I can't accept something that doesn't make sense to me. I feel like a quiter just letting him go...setting him free. If this site is about saving marriage, why is all the advice about moving on? Feeling lost and helpless! Judy
Well, the moving on part, is YOU move on with life so the current situation doesn't hold you in a lull and suck you down. When you get stuck on something at work, do you not just walk away from it for a bit so you don't waste your entire day on one problem? Same concept on a grander scale.
Have you asked him: "I'm sorry you feel that I've been controlling your life and don't want you feel that way, what have I said or done to make you feel that way?".
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Does he know you know about the OP? When there is OP involved, usually the advice is to bust it first and if that doesn't work, then move on. You save your R by stopping what you are currently doing to drive the other person away. Then you have to let them miss the good things about you and WANT to come back. You can't make them.
Get the Divorce Remedy book. It is a fast read and explains all of this.
I'm still kind of new, so someone more insightful will happen along soon.
Good luck and hang in there. Get the book. You can read the first chapter on this website, but you need to get to the part on the last resort technique. (LRT)
The cold hard truth is that you can't make him stay. People can't be controlled or manipulated like that. When I first read DR and came to this site, I was looking for a magic cure, a gypsy potion to make my wife love me again. I was wrong.
DBing (divorce-busting) is a twofold process; The first is to stop doing damaging things to your relationship and to yourself.
The second is to reclaim your life. Things like GAL (Get A Life), doing 180s, understanding yourself, and improving yourself.
It's hard not to want to "fix" the marriage, to "save" it by "trying really hard." But it just doesn't work. I would suggest reading through other people's threads so you can learn from their painful mistakes.
You'll make your own mistakes, and eventually learn to avoid them. But it's a long, hard process. And unfortunately, the success rate is very low.
BUT (and a big but) there is hope. There are some wonderful stories of reconciliation and renewal here. They'll give you hope, when you feel at your worst.
Thanks everyone for quick replies. Also, we don't actually speak. We text over matters of separation. I was advised early not to talk him out of leaving...let him go, perhaps he'll miss you. He won't talk about the marriage ending. I don't want to see him if we can't discuss this. And he does not know that I found out about the OP. BTW...I'm 55 yrs old. I'm very despondent. (Don't know the abreviations yet. Will try to learn them.) Will try to get the book. And I'm in counseling so I am working on myself. Lost weight, eating well, and walking every day. I need more activities because I'm spending too much time alone and watching tv. But as a problem solver, I related to dday's comment about having difficult problems at work. That was a very helpful analogy. Judy
Hang in there Judy. I can't say it'll get better, or that you'll understand things more clearly, but it'll help in its own way if you try to stay active with yourself, and in your thread.
Try to find the other anchors in your life to help you; kids, friends, church, work, exercise.
It's a long, sad trail we're all on. Misery loves company though, and there's always a helpful soul here to lend you support.
I'm sorry to welcome you aboard. I hope you stay long enough to get to know some of the folks here. They are top-notch.
The answer to the question in your post is: NO. You don't have to just take it. As a matter of fact, eventually you will learn that there is no amount of poor behavior that you ever have to take again. It seems like semantics at the outset, but stick with it. "Taking it" is totally up to you. As you learn to set boundaries, and start focusing on you, you will learn that letting go is the only truly viable option. Letting go is not the same as doing nothing and enduring whatever he does to you. it isn't a passive activity. You actively let go. And hope. Then you realize the power is really yours.
Don't worry if it sounds stupid right now. I think that's normal. The others are right. there are plenty of examples of folks who succeeded in saving their M on here. But there is almost universal agreement that doing all this led to a happier existance for the individuals that did it regardless of the results.
DanF is right. Soon, the guys/gals with real experience will start weighing in. Listen to them and work at this. You will get happier, sooner than any other thing you're doing now.
Good luck.
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
I'm in counseling so I am working on myself. Lost weight, eating well, and walking every day. I need more activities because I'm spending too much time alone and watching tv. Judy
Sounds like you are doing better than I did at the start. I was very despondent also when my W filed for D. Eating right and exercising is a good start, but you do have to find ways to spend less time alone or you will obsess about this like I did.
How much info do you have about the Other Woman (OW)? Do you know if it has turned physical (PA) or is just and Emotional Affair (EA) at this point? Would he care if you knew? What would he do if you exposed it to him? I'm not saying to do that yet, just to think about what would result from doing so.
Puppy is a pro in this area as are many others. Wait for more advice, but in the meantime, keep collecting your evidence.
Hi Judy - when I first came here I found it very helpful to read the "quotes" threads - lots of good insight.
DR is a great book. I chose LRT Land as a name because last resort is where I started, and regardless of which path I end up on I wanted to remember where I started. Things are better for me...today...but my M is still full of uncertainty.
It helps to read other stories too. It is sad how common M's fall apart. Sometimes they can be repaired. Sometimes you just need to find "you" again and accept that it's time to move on.
If my M falls apart now, I will be able to honestly say I did everything I could. I couldn't have said that a few weeks ago. My H brought things to a head in a very painful way, which still hurts, but it was necessary and I have accepted that we will either have an improved M or we will part. I don't want to go back to how things were.
What do you want? Are you the best person you can be? Do you treat your mate the way YOU would treat him if all were right in your world?
My H's timing didn't make sense to me at all. It felt all wrong, and so I pushed back in the wrong way initially, then I found DR and this site and started making great strides not only in my M but in how I felt. I wasn't ready to give up on the M. A couple weeks after the letter from his lawyer I told him I would find a lawyer since that seemed to be what he wanted and I didn't want to hurt him anymore (even though I had been hurt and was hurting plenty) but that wasn't what I wanted and thought we owed it to our family to try - that I didn't know if we could get there but I thought we should really try. We had both admitted we had stopped trying for some time.
Each situation is similar and each is different. Read threads and find the pieces that work for you to get YOU to a better place. Then your M will follow if your H can get there too.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
(((((Judy))))) Read DR carefully before you do anything. There is a group that feels busting and affair is the top priority, but that isn't always the best thing, in my opinion. You need to be ready to do it, and ready for the consequences, if that's the course you choose.
