I have, over the years, experienced a lot of trauma. Early in my life I asked God into my life--and have grown spiritually more and more, especially with being married to my H. He went to church for years with me, but as I have grown I realize that means nothing. He stopped going about 6 years ago.
He is what I would call, knowing about AA and all that, spiritually bankrupt. Angry, miserable, no hope, no faith in anything except himself. And he is getting older. He has psoriasis. He is not suffering from arthritis from it. He is hitting bottom when you have to let go and let God IN.
I do not want this miserable man any longer--he doesn't appreciate all he's been given. I'm insulted daily by his lack of appreciation and false pride.
His dad is a VERY awesome Christian guy. Very hopeful, full of life, happy and joyful. They hae had LONG talks about spiritual matters and my f-in-law KNOWS that my H has not yet let go. My H is VERY controlling, and this means giving up control and accepting that you can't do this all on your own. Usually your life has to unravel quite a bit before you ask God for help.
I did it when I had to put my mother into a mental institution. I get goosebumps every time I think of how I cried out to God to PLEASE help me do this, and it was as if a warm hand was put around me. I became so calm, and a peace I had not previously known came over me.
Believing in a higher power, or God, has given me the peace I have needed to function. I don't take drugs, I don't drink, I pray. And I get calm. Because there are so many promises!! Anyway, I hope this is understood.
I don't want this man, but I want the man he could be?? Like in Jerry McGuire, sort of....lol.
but I feel myself asking him to leave and soon--I want him to experience fully what he is doing and at the same time me be strong and secure and also one day get him back. What a challenge!! And yet, with God's help, I actually think I can do it!! I just want a little "feedback" from someone out there. Like, the other day I took my ring off I was so mad. Keep it off and show strength? Or put it on and show I honor my vows--which is more the "christian" way of doing it?? Things like that.
