Thanks for stopping by Laura. It would have been a good day except for the incident at lunch and the alarm at my house going off. So glad that I just put that system in earlier this month!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
So, so, so much happening-my head is spinning and I have a cold, have lost my voice, and I have pink-eye!
Went to class Tues and while driving my sis calls--she has had a myriad of health problems for the last 3-4 years--chronically tired, joint pain, a wacky thyroid and she has ballooned in weight and she is a petsitter and walks all the time, and is a very, very good eater.
She has a rare, genetic blood disorder. She's always had it apparently, and this is around the age it starts to manifest. She has to go in for testing--it affects all the organs and hopefully she doesn't have damage. There is a treatment for it that isn't TOO bad, so that is a relief. Because of it being a genetic disorder, I am going in for testing even though I have no symptoms--because it is rarely tested for.
So I find this out on the way to class, and I am very much trying to focus, but of course it is hard (but I got a really good score on my last test! yea!)
Then we get out and I go to start the truck--it starts but won't accelorate! I am an hour from home, it is getting dark, and I have to call AAA and be towed somewhere.
So I call triple A, then call H and prepare myself for the barage of "I don't care about yous" like the time I broke my mirror several weeks ago on the way to class.
But, there was an alien that answered the phone! All, "do you want me to come down and wait for the tow truck with you" and "I don't care what it costs, bring it up to our mechanic".
???huh???
I'm like, no, thanks all the same, I'm fine. So he tells me to call him when I'm 10 or so minutes out and he'll meet me at the mechanic's. And he does. So in the car on the way home I start crying and he's like, it's going to be OK, and I say "my sister has a rare blood disorder" and start really bawling. He's like, don't worry, we'll look it up online, etc.
Then he says "I will always care about you and be concerned about you."
So, anyway, it was very pleasant on the ride home, and then when we get home we look up the disorder and he tells me what test I need to have done and he'll get me in for testing, etc. And I'm getting sick and don't feel too hot, and go to bed.
So next day (wednesday?) I speak to mechanic and something is wrong with wiring and something is wrong with tire--$1000 worth of "something wrong". I had no idea if H would pay for this, but he just took the news and said "get it done". My H was going to go to his friend's house today but instead he has to pay for my truck to get fixed and tell his friend? I don't know what.lol.
So we talk a LOT--so many things my head is spinning. He wants to know the number of the counselor. I get very, very suspicious--I'm like, do you plan on using him against me in court somehow?? Are you planning on telling him what I told you about how I started to have feelings for him???!
He's like no no no--nothing like that! I need to talk to someone. I said, well, if you want to talk to someone to complain about them why don't you speak to your parents or your friends? This guy is expensive! So he says he needs to talk to someone about himself--he's so miserable and can't sleep and he won't even bring me up.
Now, I don't know if talking to that C will be a good idea--this is the one that pretty much dropped us. He's a Christian pastor, but he was so weird at the end there that I had to ask if he was pro marriage!!
So I said, listen, there is something you need to know about him--and told him about how I went to him and he told me to do the fireplace and the car thing with his friend. And I told him if that info made him angry or upset in any way, well, he just needed to know.
So we started talking about the friend (who told my H I have mental issues and stay away from his family). I said, I had Marina with me when I went there, and it's not my personality to be ugly and you know that--sorry that your friend thought I was. Maybe you should take a look at that friendship (the guy is an absolute jerk).
He said something like --do you think we are in this because of that?! Well, H, among a million other reasons, I guess YES, that idiot friend of yours and your friendship is part of the problem. I didn't say that--can't remember what I said now.
We had a very, very pleasant day. He made dinner while I had a nap, and did his own laundry for the first time in 15 years.lol. THAT was FUNNY!! I went into the laundry room and it WREAKED of bleach!! I'm like, WTH!! He added a TON of bleach to his socks/tidy whiteys.lol!!
Sheesh--who is this nice person in my house right now??? I have heard people say this over and over, but it's weird when it is happening to YOU!
The guy I would have always wanted is here!! Helpful, patient, generous. Making dinner, cleaning up his own mess, apologizing for things.
It has put me on edge! Ugh!! I feel sort of ....depressed and sad!! (maybe because I'm sick more than anything else...and my sister....).
And I had a bad dream last night--first one in ages. I dreamed I was a teenager living with my parents, and then I was 47 (my age) and there was nothing in between--just "young" and then "old". In my dream I was HORRIFIED to be 47 all of a sudden like that. Then I woke up and thought--sheesh--it really isn't all that old, is it?
I guess I'm having some insecurity about my age and "starting over". But when I think about it long enough, sheesh--I have so much going for me, including how to have a better R in the future w/ WHOEVER I end up with, that I need to stop this.
Didn't hurt that my dentist this a.m. asked me how old I was and said "really?" when I told him. I was like, you say that to everyone--but he said he doesn't!
Do I belong in peicing? I need some Christian Counsel--are there any veterans aroud these boards that approach these problems from a spiritual angle?
My H is making TONS of noise that he is heading to the bottom. He so needs a saviour!! Dr. Dobson writes that you must sometimes separate, but you need good Christian Counsel to make sure to do the right thing.
I won't take back the man he is now. But I WOULD take back, happily, a person who has become saved. I have witnessed amazing transformations, and I just think he is wanting to follow in the footsteps of his dad (who became saved at THIS AGE). H has indicated wanting to speak to the C we had, a pastor, but I feel this man may be too much on my side, seeing that I am unequally yoked with a non-believer and is leaning on him to seek divorce so that I will not have to do it (because in Corinthians, the unbeliver can be released by the believer, but if the believer doesn't want to go, you should stay with them).
This will make sense I think to a believer. I may not want my H, but I have compassion for his soul. He will be so lost, soon, and if it is possible for me to help him, I have to!
To your first question...are you still wanting to make a go of things? If so, then yes this is where you belong. If not then head over to Surviving.
I am a spiritual person not belonging to any particular faith. I think I always have been. I wasn't babtized until I was 17. The thing about religion, everyone thinks theirs is right and anyone beliving a different one is lost. So are you just asking him to believe in God, something greater than ourselves or in your particular religion?
I think that is something to think about. Hope you are feeling better!
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I have, over the years, experienced a lot of trauma. Early in my life I asked God into my life--and have grown spiritually more and more, especially with being married to my H. He went to church for years with me, but as I have grown I realize that means nothing. He stopped going about 6 years ago.
He is what I would call, knowing about AA and all that, spiritually bankrupt. Angry, miserable, no hope, no faith in anything except himself. And he is getting older. He has psoriasis. He is not suffering from arthritis from it. He is hitting bottom when you have to let go and let God IN.
I do not want this miserable man any longer--he doesn't appreciate all he's been given. I'm insulted daily by his lack of appreciation and false pride.
His dad is a VERY awesome Christian guy. Very hopeful, full of life, happy and joyful. They hae had LONG talks about spiritual matters and my f-in-law KNOWS that my H has not yet let go. My H is VERY controlling, and this means giving up control and accepting that you can't do this all on your own. Usually your life has to unravel quite a bit before you ask God for help.
I did it when I had to put my mother into a mental institution. I get goosebumps every time I think of how I cried out to God to PLEASE help me do this, and it was as if a warm hand was put around me. I became so calm, and a peace I had not previously known came over me.
Believing in a higher power, or God, has given me the peace I have needed to function. I don't take drugs, I don't drink, I pray. And I get calm. Because there are so many promises!! Anyway, I hope this is understood.
I don't want this man, but I want the man he could be?? Like in Jerry McGuire, sort of....lol.
but I feel myself asking him to leave and soon--I want him to experience fully what he is doing and at the same time me be strong and secure and also one day get him back. What a challenge!! And yet, with God's help, I actually think I can do it!! I just want a little "feedback" from someone out there. Like, the other day I took my ring off I was so mad. Keep it off and show strength? Or put it on and show I honor my vows--which is more the "christian" way of doing it?? Things like that.
Personally, I wore my ring until I wasn't married anymore. It is a symbol of a contract and I honored it all the way through. My ex, once it was known by me that he was cheating, took his ring off without saying anything about it.
I would keep it on.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Ok, I'll put m ring back on. BTW, my H hasn't worn his in probably 13 years. It interferes with putting on the latex gloves at work.
I felt really good yesterday and had a very productive morning getting stuff gathered for the thrift shop. H was away 2 days at his friend's house helping to move a clock and of course probably telling his friend his woes. Friend is an OK guy, divorced, no children, and a Christian. H will see a big difference in the room he is in because a bunch of that stuff is gone now. Room looks pretty bare I must say!
I need him to do things here, but of course this is part of the problem--he will do everything in the world for friends but not me.
I really have enjoyed 3-4 days of a nice person here (H), but it is time for me to go back to *itch mode--that seems to get things done!
So S and I went furniture shopping yesterday. Our couch is falling apart and now that we have so much space in the living room, we are not sure what to get--2 couches and a couple of chairs? A sectional? I am leaning towards individual peices so I can re-arrainge. I was thrilled to discover that S and I like almost the exact same thing! We are wanting to continue the red/black/tan theme that we started in his bedroom and continue out to the living room.
My taste has changed WILDLY since I was younger--I used to be all into pink and flowers and antiques--now I like bolder colors and heavy-duty furniture. So we found a couple of dark brown leather sofas to die for--they recline, etc.
H a few weeks ago knew I was chomping to go get some more furniture and said "don't you and S go wtihout me". That statement made me think he wassn't really serious, but since then he has gone forward. So why not? He is not going to be here. I know he sort of cut me off the money, but I have my own credit card and I am thinking of getting it on my own and will pay it off with the settlement.
I also want to re-do my S's bathroom. I don't want him having a leaky sink and mold any longer. I feel overwhelmed with what to do and when. I went to Lowes and looked at bathroom tile which is SO DIFFERENT than it used to be--gone are the little shiney white or beige squares! Now it's rough textured tiles in every size imaginable! I wonder if the rough tiles hold mold? They were gorgeous though--very natural and outdoorsy looking!
And of course my nature is to research everything ad naseum and I have SO much research to do in so many areas!! Divorce, bathrooms, furniture, my class, my sister's disorder, I have to get books for my S and get him ready for school in 2 weeks! He needs clothes.
Ugh--I've got so much to do and I want to have some fun with him before he starts school!
I'm thinking of not taking a class this fall just so I can concentrate on my H's nonsense and my son and this house which has been neglected SO long and I refuse to live like this!!!
Oh, forgot to mention that I think my H started a facebook page and I think it is password protected.
I know pretty much nothing about Facebook, but I am very,very suspect of him making one. I want to see what he has put on there and who he is talking to. The friend he went to for a couple of days is always busy on Facebook meeting women and I'm sure he has mentioned it to my H.
I plan on confronting him the minute he gets home and having him show me his page. If they won't show you, that means there is cheating going on. If he does show me and his status is single, or anything like that, he will be LEAVING.
