Long Distance Issues.....Possible WAW

[PMA_Baby!]

oh I missed that part about not being active. Regardless, most divorces can take over 2 years to settle if both parties dont agree. You can use the fact that you are overseas for your attorney to tell a judge to hold off. IN the mean time let her do all the work and go dark.

my .02

[Dazed&Confused]

P.S.

Heads up, your life is very likely to aggressively try to "temperature-check" you over the next 24-72 hours. Sniff out what your plan is. It's very much script for them to "Need to know if Gatorz is OK with all of this."

You are under NO OBLIGATION to assuage her fears, insecurities or guilt, G8. You should ignore all but ONE of any TMs or e-mails about this subject, and that one response should be similar to what I posted to you upthread: "Not sure what my plans are at this point; I have some decisions to make."

Then GO DARK.

Puppy

You answered my next question before I could ask. I was going to ask if you thought it was alright to ask her what you mentioned before.....

You have always been a good wife and good mother, what on earth would make you have such a wide character switch? To give up on you family without trying? This is not an attribute of a good mother, which I always thought you were.

I know it's mean, but what you said is so true. She has NEVER shown even the slightest flaw when it came to parenthood. If anyone did, I did. I always didn't have the patience that she would want. I would sent my son to his room to fast. And I missed a t-ball game or two because of a "headache". All things that I have had time to look back on analyze. I am trying to find things to be ashamed of. But I am the one staying. I am the one fighting, and it is not making one ounce of difference......

[pinhead]

Gator,

If you ask her why the sudden change, she'll get defensive and attack you. SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHY. She just feels it. It might be an OM. It might be a MLC. It might be just realizing that she's lonely.

It doesn't matter really, once you've ruled out an OM. All you can do is GAL, 180s, and let her go. If there's an OM, your plan of action is much different.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You answered my next question before I could ask. I was going to ask if you thought it was alright to ask her what you mentioned before.....

You have always been a good wife and good mother, what on earth would make you have such a wide character switch? To give up on you family without trying? This is not an attribute of a good mother, which I always thought you were.

NNNNnnnnnnooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

This is NOT something you SAY to her ("you can't teach a wayward"). I was just pointing those things OUT to you so you'd know that it's extremely likely that an OM is causing these effects on her.

The #1 thing people do wrong with "confront-and-expose" is that they do it in dribs and drabs. That only comes off as weak, defensive, accusatory and controlling. There are pro's and con's about the wisdom of exposing when DBing, but if you ARE going to do it, the ONLY way to do it is to get ALL of your intel, confront them with the "I know all about you and so-and-so, and it needs to stop; this is incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage and to our family" speech, and then leave it in their lap.

You do NOT go to them and try to get them to self-confess, or try to "teach" them.

Puppy

[Dazed&Confused]

oh I missed that part about not being active. Regardless, most divorces can take over 2 years to settle if both parties dont agree. You can use the fact that you are overseas for your attorney to tell a judge to hold off. IN the mean time let her do all the work and go dark.

my .02

I realize that I can drag it out if I want, but I am afraid that she will use it against me when it comes to the kids. She said last night that she is willing to do a 50/50 shared custody. Is not looking for anything in return other than the minivan, and some money monthly to help out with the kids. That she wants to do it on her own!

She has been looking at apartments. I do not want my kids to have to spend half of their time in a small 2br apt! But I have to keep reminding myself that if it happens, it will her decision. It almost like she is trying prove something to herself.

It's just hard to figure out what is best for me and my kids at this point. I know the best thing would be for me and my wife to keep our family whole.

The next best thing would be for me to get shared custody with the wife, and let her go live her wild dreams out.

My absolute worse case senario would be to lose her, lose the shared custody, half of everything that I have worked my short life for, just to drag my feet and make it not easy for her.

I am just petrifed at the thought of only seeing my kids every other weekend. I guess that is where the lawyer comes in. I am going to talk with one and find out what my options are and likelyhood of me getting this kind of deal in court.

If it is a good shot, then I have nothing to lose. If he/she thinks its a great deal, then I will take it, and wish her all of the luck in the world with her new man. I will get something put in about not bringing an new person around the kids for a set time though.

Hope this clarifies where I am at right now. And again, you guys have been lifesavers for me. I just have to figure out a way to hide my tears. I don't think my alergy excuse is going to last that much longer! (and to think I was in the Marine Corps, they would revoke my membership if they saw me right now.)

[Puppy Dog Tails]

G8,

You really, REALLY need to do your legal research on this. Every state/jurisdiction is different, but you DO realize, don't you, that nearly all nowadays START at "50/50", and work in one direction or the other from there???

This isn't 1950s Ward Cleaver America anymore. Men have substantially more rights than they used to in this regard.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hope this clarifies where I am at right now. And again, you guys have been lifesavers for me. I just have to figure out a way to hide my tears. I don't think my alergy excuse is going to last that much longer! (and to think I was in the Marine Corps, they would revoke my membership if they saw me right now.)

See a doc about getting you on long-term antidepressant/anti-anxiety meds ASAP. Most take 2-3 weeks to kick in, so the sooner, the better.

THEY WERE A LIFE-SAVER FOR ME!!!

Puppy

[Quicksilver264]

If it is a good shot, then I have nothing to lose. If he/she thinks its a great deal, then I will take it, and wish her all of the luck in the world with her new man. I will get something put in about not bringing an new person around the kids for a set time though.

This attitude is going to get you nailed to a cross.

You are deployed through the United States Government, and under protections enacted by Congress, which derive their powers from the "Necessary and Proper" and "Supremacy Clause", CANNOT have definitive and permanent legal action taken against you.

Let her go wild, scream, file this, file that ect. Speak to your Commander, Boss, Company Legal Counsel, or Embassy Representative.

Your wife simply cannot walk away with your children. When you DO get back, ANY arrangements she has made CANNOT be permanent because of your deployment status. Your State Courts simply LACK THE JURISDICTION to make such arrangements in the face of your deployment.

BE WARNED. When your wife finds out about these protections you enjoy, she MOST LIKELY will go OFF THE WALL. Most women do when they find out they can't shake down their man who is overseas. They see it as an opportunity and their "right" to take the children and move on. They are FURIOUS that the Government put protections in place for men like that. She will most likely try to make you out as such a terrible parent that you should never see your kids again. This happens ALL THE TIME in these situations.

My advice: Find a former military service member with veteran status who is a lawyer, and get him/her ready to play some SERIOUS HARDBALL.

If she persists in trying to take your kids, your money ect ect, contact the United States Attorney for your district and let them know a State Court is BLATANTLY ignoring United States Rules of Civil Procedure. You may then have recourse to file a Writ in US Federal District Court. Your base should also have legal counsel and family services as well.

IGNORE HER THREATS, IGNORE HER TANTRUMS, AND KEEP YOUR CALM. WHO FREAKING CARES HOW MAD SHE IS AT THE LAW. It is there for YOUR protection.

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. If she tries to force or threaten you to do anything by using money or your kids as leverage, since you are overseas, it could be considered blackmail or extortion. Then see how she likes being arraigned in US District Court for USC title 18 violations.

[Dazed&Confused]

Thanks for the great advice all. I am going to contact a lawyer on Monday. I found a former Army DI, and 20 yr officer. Specializes in Family Law. He might do. I sent an initial inquiry on his website.

Wish me luck!

[Quicksilver264]

Thanks for the great advice all. I am going to contact a lawyer on Monday. I found a former Army DI, and 20 yr officer. Specializes in Family Law. He might do. I sent an initial inquiry on his website.

He MIGHT do? Dude, he KNOWS what it is like, and he SPECIALIZES in family law. He is going to know EVERY in and out of this, the WHOLE UCMJ - because guess what - YOU are deployed under EXTRATERRITORIAL JURISDICTION of the US and are subject to the UCMJ. HER lawyer on the other hand, is going to BLEED HER DRY WITH MONEY reading the ENTIRETY of extraterritorial jurisdiction statutes and procedure, and trying to skirt around it.

DO NOT BE SURPRISED if she files a few motions to exempt herself from the statutes. Women ESPECIALLY DESPISE these laws, to the point they often disappear for YEARS rather than have to wait for the husband to come home.

Your lawyer will know EXACTLY what to do, and how to ask the court for a Federal Warrant that can be executed by US Marshals, or any other Federal Agent.

Tell him that you want to maintain "battlefield dominance" and "air superiority". He will know EXACTLY what you mean.

Spare nothing in this and let her have it should she decide to threaten you. You have about 4 sections of United States Code on your side.

Oh, and pretty much ANY Federal Agent or State/Local police officer will be ECSTATIC to hunt down or find a woman who takes children from a person serving their country overseas. So she literally will be living a life of fear and Hell.