different as in which of the options suggested from my lawyer. not whether to drop the rope or not.
all i have been doing is working on me for me. it has helped. it has built my self-esteem back up to the point where i think .. yeah, i am better than this. maybe forrest was trying to trick me into dropping the rope. he realized that he was going down a cheeseless tunnel by telling me. so he found a different way to make me do work. figured out what got me off my chair.
isn't that part of being a good db-er? from the quotes, it sure sounds like i'm doing that. recognizing my faults? half-check (still working on this). working hard at improving myself for me? check.
i have worked on what makes me happy. and i don't avoid places because i worry about h being there. and i don't work my schedule around h so i can run into him. i look out for me, and only me.
do i care whether he sees my changes or not? no. i focus on what has made me smile and what hasn't. squash has given me some self-confidence. my goal isn't to win back my h. my goal is to be part of a team tournament in january. if i don't make it, i will know i worked hard and tried. even though lauraoh and coach has said before that h is watching me, it actually doesn't cross my mind. i don't do things because i think he's watching me. in fact, i was told that a lot of squash players watch other players play - and i don't notice that either. when i am on the court, i focus on what i'm going to do. i don't care who's watching me. i don't dress up because i might run into my h. i do it because it's who i am.
i could have played squash at another club to avoid being at the same club as my h. but why? i wasn't going to get better at that club. sacrifice my goals just to avoid h? that would have been the wrong thing to do.
