Both times she was thrilled. Wanted me to find someone to connect with.
She means a emotional connection. She didn't want to feel guilty about what she was doing.
Quote:
I took away her sex toy.
No it wasn't a toy. It was a man she had a emotional and physical connection with. If she doesn't want to connect with you, guess what will happen again?
Read up on brain-washing. Understand the techniques used.
I know she had an emotional connection with him. I get it. I understand the pain she is going through right now, probably better then her.
But I dont understand is why she is telling me "I want to be with your Rob" while pushing me away at the same time.
What I hoped to get here was advise on how to deal with that in the short term while letting time pass and seeing if we could get our marriage back on track.
What I hoped to get here was advise on how to deal with that in the short term while letting time pass and seeing if we could get our marriage back on track.
thank you for answering my questions earlier.
I think understanding the meaning of this word:
sublimate
may help you. Steve.
DO I need to divert the energy or her? I think she is trying to change what she recognizes as unacceptable socially and struggling to do that.
Or do I need to be doing that and just let her be "poly" and chose to stay or go based on my own beliefs. Not sure where you are driving this bus.
You can't control or change her. You can only control your own actions. She may decide to change, if given the proper incentives and motivation.
She isnt changing.
Period.
I know that. You cannot change who you are. And frankly, I wouldnt want her to.
What I wanted here was her to compromise what she was doing, in the manner I was. When she failed to do that, it all fell apart.
Now, I dont want her to not be who she is, and she tells me she will always be poly. But she has always told me, that just because she is poly, doesnt mean she needs to practice it.
She is hurting and unfocused right now, but I am watching her actions. She acts good to me most of the time, starts feeling good about us then turns around and says something to sabotage it. Her wavering is driving me nuts. I get the pain, the conflict, but if you decide to do something then do it. Me Im dumb, I will stick around and try to wait this out. But I am trying to wait it out in a manner that says,"If you leave you leave I not going to die without you."
I simply dont want to sitting in a situation anymore where she has complete control over my emotional and physical life. Which is exactly where she driving our relationship right now.
I apologize for appearing unfocused and all over the map here. I have been dealing with more stress then I ever thought was possible. On top of that my job all by itself is enough to drive most people to an early grave with all the stress. I am just not getting a break anywhere.
Ill try to be more clear in my future posts...be more consise in what IM attempting to do here.
I don't why you can't deal with this time in your marriage the way we've advised others on this forum to manage their marriage when a wayward spouse returns to the marriage following an affair. Just b/c you had consented to the A really doesn't change your approach now in my opinion.
Require transparency on her part. The security that she is indeed ALL IN going forward is necessary for you to heal and the marriage to get feet firmly on the ground.
You've already put the boundary about OM in place. But AZ, if she's just coming back to be in a sort of roommate arrangement with you, is that satisfying for you? If not, this boundary should be declared, as well. "Wife, I understand that you are working through and struggling with many things right now. I'm patient but not a martyr. I need intimacy in my marriage and I want to know if you will commit to what it will take to work toward that goal for us." That could be counseling, Retro weekend and follow up, religious counseling or whatever you all find.
Also, it is important for you to take care of AZ. You have got to have some scar tissue from these last 6 years of open marriage. Self image, self esteem, confidence, all must have taken a hit. How are you going to recover that ground? What do you do for fun - just for you? Where are your interests and are they reflected in your life? Hobbies? Friends? Taking care of you is KEY!
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
I don't why you can't deal with this time in your marriage the way we've advised others on this forum to manage their marriage when a wayward spouse returns to the marriage following an affair. Just b/c you had consented to the A really doesn't change your approach now in my opinion.
Yeah I can see that you are right here. Again Im not being argumentative. I just dont want to give up. Probably too stubborn for my own good. I just hadnt considered her a wayward spouse because I did agree to all of this. She wasnt doing anything I didnt say was okay. Until the last year or so. And then I was always told "Rob you consented.".
Require transparency on her part. The security that she is indeed ALL IN going forward is necessary for you to heal and the marriage to get feet firmly on the ground.
I have forced the transparency part. What I am unable to get answered is if she is all in. She says she can do everything (and largely is) but the intimacy/sex part. She is being honest with me now and saying she isnt sure when she can do that again...if ever.
You've already put the boundary about OM in place. But AZ, if she's just coming back to be in a sort of roommate arrangement with you, is that satisfying for you?
No, not at all. But do I need to give her time to recover from that? Its been six weeks or so. My problem is...and its really a big problem for me, I dont know how much time I need to give her to get over him. Is six weeks enough, six months? I mean I dont want her to be having sex with me and thinking of him. I dont want to go there. One of the things I was hoping to find out here was how much time is enough time to expect her to recover from the other fellow and start really being married again?
If not, this boundary should be declared, as well. "Wife, I understand that you are working through and struggling with many things right now. I'm patient but not a martyr. I need intimacy in my marriage and I want to know if you will commit to what it will take to work toward that goal for us." That could be counseling, Retro weekend and follow up, religious counseling or whatever you all find.
Well I ahve been honest with her in this regard. And told her I can do this now, I cannot do it forever. I actually had her talked into therapy for about an hour a couple of days ago. But she backpeddled on it quickly. She does not want anyone to tell her what to do, and thats what a therapist will do. SO that remains off the table. She has told me, here and there, that the no sex thing isnt forever. But me being me, it sure feels like it is for right now.
Also, it is important for you to take care of AZ. You have got to have some scar tissue from these last 6 years of open marriage. Self image, self esteem, confidence, all must have taken a hit.
They all certainly have. But I have a lot of self confidence. What is making it flag right now is that the person IM use to being myself with is telling me to be anything but myself. I could go out tomorrow, and this I have little doubt of and find someone to treat me the way I deserve. SO I have the confidence. I just believe in all that marriage stuff...I truly do...and we are definetly in the "worst" part of those vows right now.
How are you going to recover that ground?
Well Im unsure right now, which is why Im doing this here on this forum.
What do you do for fun - just for you? Where are your interests and are they reflected in your life?
I have/had plenty of things I do for myself. And I did frequently. Well I was until we really started running aground here. I find myself unable to let my mind go on this stuff. Its ironically the same lack of concentration I always had when ever she was shagging her boyfriend...only instead of an hour or two now its 24/7. Id kill to be able to just let my mind have some peace for a while.
Hobbies? Friends? Taking care of you is KEY!
I have more then a few friends, but they are really pushing me to dump her. ANd that makes it more difficult. (They are saying thats the way for me to take care of me). I am stuck. I really really think she is dealing with a serious bout of depression here. I spent a lot of time gather evidence of that prior to her ending it with the other fellow. That hasnt changed, but ending it has just made it worse. She is not being herself. ANd for me to leave her...it just feels like Im abandoning a sick person.
I dont know...like I said, Im not exactly the pillar of being focused myself right now.
I have already begun to implimentquite a few things everyone has said here. It is hard without question, but I dont want you guys (and gals) to think IM just coming here and ignoring you. Im not.
I find myself unable to let my mind go on this stuff. Its ironically the same lack of concentration I always had when ever she was shagging her boyfriend...only instead of an hour or two now its 24/7. Id kill to be able to just let my mind have some peace for a while..
Azrob, know that that is VERY normal. Taking the advice you're being given here is WAY easier than done. In the beginning what people are telling you just sound like words, things that are very hard to put into action when you compare it to your feelings. One day you will look back on this thread and it will make so much sense. Trust me. But what you are feeling, the confusion, the draining exhaustion, paranoia, heartache... totally normal.
Originally Posted By: azrob
It is hard without question, but I dont want you guys (and gals) to think IM just coming here and ignoring you. Im not.
Understood. Though... the sooner you can follow the advice, the better. ((((Azrob))))
