Stitching together a new quilt

[FindingMyVoice]

Oh, figured I'd put a summary of my sitch in (with a couple edits and additions) from a convo on dday's thread. (Thanks again for sharing your thread and insights dday).

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Unfortunately, my H was still fairly resistant to the idea that there were problems to start off with, because our biggest issue is/was our communication. Neither of us had learned how to work through conflict together - so, we'd just avoid it until it built into this 18 year old wall of resentment, unacknowledged hurts and disconnect. The other biggies were that I never knew how to ask for support, and he didn't know how to offer it; and finally, how to give and receive affection.

So some of the changes I've been asking for (edit: and initiating): to share more meaningful communication (beyond talking about the weather!); asking/telling him that it's not fair to blame me for our problems any more, (this is a toughie); for respectful communication in front of others; to avoid dismissing me if I have a concern; to talk out problems instead of just avoiding one another; to not judge me for being more emotional than him; asking for support and hugs when I need it; spending more time together - even just asking to spend more time with one another, like we go on a weekly date-night now; asking for signs of affection (nonexistent til now, and our sex life... blehhh... it's still just NOT good. My IC scoffs at me expecting that to get better, until after we're consistently connecting and feeling emotionally close again, but I'm concerned on that one still).

But all those bad habits were so entrenched, it's taking a long time to create new patterns. And yes, your suggestion about leading by example is bang on. That's exactly what I've been trying to do, especially given that he won't come to MC. (Fair enough - I don't like it, but it is his choice and I can't control him - as long as he continues to grow and change his part of our negative patterns I won't kick up a stink about it).

We're still making lots of mistakes, but there's more successes now, than ever before.