Telling me over and over to dump the bitch isnt what I was lead to believe this website was about.
Eh, that's not what it's about. We understand you are deeply hurt right now. This is not a fun place to be but we are.
The thing is, she feels a certain way and that way is the "truth" to her. The sooner you can accept that, though you don't agree with it, the better off you will be. It sucks but it's true.
I know you want her back. She's not attracted to you. She's using you. She doesn't respect you.
To get that back, you have to earn her respect; you need to make yourself physically attractive; you need to set clear boundaries that there will be no OM in her life.
You have "Doormat" tattooed by her on your ass, and until that's gone, she'll never love and respect you. Women want strong, assertive, confident men. Looking good is also important.
Ah hell, Im physically attractive. She tells me that now. I work out six days a week, IM in the best shape of my life. Its not about that at all. She says she simply doesnt desire to be intimate with me right now. Due to the break up with her lover. She says it will probably come back if I give it time. The problem here is, after the years of being pushed to the side. I lack the patience to give it time and cant shut up.
Im desperate to just let time pass and see, but Im hurting pretty badly about all of this.
Telling me over and over to dump the bitch isnt what I was lead to believe this website was about.
Now, who said that?
People said "you need to establish boundaries" first and foremost. And boundaries don't mean squat if you don't enforce them.
So... boundary: I will not live in an open marriage.
If she doesn't respect that boundary, you have to ask her to leave and possibly divorce.
It's simple.
The rest is standard DB stuff.
I think the first five or six responses were essentially dump her. I kept saying okay guys, I get it, but I need to at least try here.
I have already set the no open marriage boundary. It is why she is acting out right now. I am simply trying to go about my own reactions to what she is currently doing differently.
I understand her need to grieve and mourn and act like a child right now. I took away her sex toy. I just feel very very strongly that there is no way in hell I am willing to settle for what she has presented to me, a loving, yet completely sexless, affectionless marriage for the rest of my life. That feels wrong and I will not live my life like her roommate.
What I hoped to get here was advise on how to deal with that in the short term while letting time pass and seeing if we could get our marriage back on track.
I call BS. Did you two have traditional marriage vows or did your poly-woman write them for you? It doesn't appear to me that either one of you honored your wedding vows.
When we got married we had traditional marriage vows. She acknowledged a few years ago that I didnt agree to her poly stuff and was willing to not push me too hard on it. We didnt come into this as a poly couple. We came into this as a couple.
This woman isn't smart but manipulative, big difference. If her real-self is so smart why are you afraid of talking about your situation with anyone in real life? Let her explain it to them. It's time for you to stop being the victim.
I do talk to people, and they all pretty much line up the same way most of you guys are. That she is being evil here. I get it. But I dont think that she is evil. I think she is just caught up in the loss of the drug that she was getting and now finds herself having to deal with her depression (which she was suffering from well before the end of her relationship) and doesnt want to have to face that maybe she does have a problem here.
Telling me over and over to dump the bitch isnt what I was lead to believe this website was about.
Eh, that's not what it's about. We understand you are deeply hurt right now. This is not a fun place to be but we are.
The thing is, she feels a certain way and that way is the "truth" to her. The sooner you can accept that, though you don't agree with it, the better off you will be. It sucks but it's true.
True. And I do get how she feels. And its why I have told her if this guys is more important then me. Then leave. I wont bar the door as it were.
Im not a martyr here and I dont want her to be with me out of obligation. Im prepared to move forward without her if thats what she wants.
The thing is she keep telling me she doenst want that. She wants to be with me. So, Im trying to do that. But doing it how we are doing it now. Is wrong. And i cant in good conscience sit here and play married.
The thing is she keep telling me she doenst want that. She wants to be with me. So, Im trying to do that. But doing it how we are doing it now. Is wrong. And i cant in good conscience sit here and play married.
Yeah and I understand how that can be massively confusing. Her saying one thing but doing another. Words vs. Actions. That's what it comes down to. You said yourself you can't play married.
Both times she was thrilled. Wanted me to find someone to connect with.
She means a emotional connection. She didn't want to feel guilty about what she was doing.
Quote:
I took away her sex toy.
No it wasn't a toy. It was a man she had a emotional and physical connection with. If she doesn't want to connect with you, guess what will happen again?
Read up on brain-washing. Understand the techniques used.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Patience is probably the best thing, and a strong determination to stick with your boundaries.
Sexless and affectionless do not match with "loving."
Well Im trying to stick with them now. Do that list that I found in the other thread.
I admit its hard. Sometimes she acts like herself. Then other times she is distant and withdrawn. I know she is in deep conflict and IM trying to give her time and distance. But IM afraid Im going to get lost waiting for her to decide what she actually does want.
really afraid. Im an easy going guy, have always been. Right now iM not being me.
The thing is she keep telling me she doenst want that. She wants to be with me. So, Im trying to do that. But doing it how we are doing it now. Is wrong. And i cant in good conscience sit here and play married.
Yeah and I understand how that can be massively confusing. Her saying one thing but doing another. Words vs. Actions. That's what it comes down to. You said yourself you can't play married.
Let her know that.
I have. This is where her intellect buries me :-). She says, and she is right, even in the last month of her mourning period, we have done things together, had alot of fun, etc.
The fact is, she doesnt want to have sex with me. That is the only thing that keeps me questioning all of this right now.
And she is right, it is what is really messing with me.
