I'm trying to do that. I wonder if DBing is still having hope, and expectations. He's assured me he's 100% DONE. No going back.
Do I let the sex continue as MWD says, or should I stop it?
I feel like every time I begin to detach he lures me back in with nice gestures. Last night he, again, brought up when I was GAL back home and how I was "cheating" and "going out to have sex" Which I NEVER was. I've been with him for "14" years, and have only had eyes for him. Last night he texts me and says he's sure I'm having sex with people all day long. WTH??? I'm with the kids 100% of the time.
He told me he drinks because he feels he's going nuts. He's also told me himself he's in the middle of a MLC. He thought he'd be farther in life by now, and feels I've held him back. He told me last night it's my fault he walked out, and that I don't know how to keep a man. He said I'm such a pretty girl on the OUTSIDE but my personality is so ugly.
He's turned me this way. I'v had built up anger and resentment and pain because of his actions. I need to learn how to control it. Not for him, but so I don't blow up in front of my kids.
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
He text me this morning to ask about the baby. I don't think he's ever done that, he's verbally asked maybe 2x, but never asked at 5 AM. I told him the baby was up since 3 AM squirming around. He said he has to stop getting me so upset b/c it isn't good for the little one. He also apologized for the mean things he said, and admitted he had too much to drink last night and said very stupid things.
The things he said are almost unforgivable. He spoke to me in a way you'd speak to someone you hate and called me things I haven't called my worst enemy. He apologized, which is big coming from him, BUT I now know how he feels b/c a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
2, what he is saying is standard script for the MLCer. He blaming the external things in his life (you) for his problems because he won't take a look at his internal issues (himself).
Your H is right, it absolutely is a mental issue and he's using booze and running as his band aids. He's covering wounds so he doesn't have to look at them.
All those things that he's saying about you are projections. Those are the things he feels about himself, but is unwilling or unable to acknowledge at this point.
The anger and resentment you feel is natural, but you need to work on those things for yourself, not for your H.
2, learn all you can about MLC. Read the resources, other people's sitches, go to the library or online. The more you learn the easier it is to understand and detach from your H's drama.
Detaching doesn't mean you stop loving your H. You love him from a distance. It is a form of protection for yourself. You get to a place where what they say and do doesn't affect you or your ability to function and do what needs to be done. Knowledge is power.
As far as still engaging in sex with your H, that's a personal choice you have to make. Just remember that it probably doesn't have the same emotional significance for your H that it does you.
Since I don't have any experience in that area (my H has an ow) to draw on I imagine that having zero expectations from those encounters would be necessary for you as well.
Personally, I would make absolutely certain there is not an ow. The risk of a STD for you is bad enough, but you have an unborn child to think about.
The accusations that your H keeps making about you running around having sex with other people would make me highly suspicious that what he is projecting on you may be because he is trying to justify what he's doing himself.
2, I'm not saying any of this to make you feel bad or to scare you. You are the only one at this point with you and your children's best interests at heart.
So again today he tells me to just move on and "do me'". He said "if you think I'm not going to have a girl and move on then you're wrong". He's dying for me to just move on. Which I guess means to begin dating.
Yeah that looks real cute, 6 months pregnant trying to date.
He said he was so unhappy the past 8 yrs living with me so he doesn't care how stressed or depressed I get. He said it's on me' and it's just way too late to ever fix anything now. I think he's telling me' the truth. I don't think it's MLC talk.
I think it's time I stop DBing and just throw in the towel and call it a loss.
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
He sent me' another message. "not for nothing but I've made up my mind. I don't want you". Should I give up? I know I'm not allowing sex anymore. If he doesn't want me' then he doesn't want that.
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
2gthr, Don't call it a loss until you know you can call it a loss. I have read some of your posts and I see the projections sa was talking about. I think sa has him pegged. The mask, insecurities, were always there. My wife did a good job of hiding it too. Now the stuff starts to show. He wants you to explore dating so he can justify to himself what he is doing. It seems so ridiculous to you and me but they seem to all play that card at some point. I know it is tough to hang in there. The amount of patience that is needed is just so incredible. The people here are going through a lot of what you are going through. Draw strength from these boards. I find I am here a little bit each day because the by the morning I still am blown away that I am in the twilight zone. When folks here tell you to read all you can about MLC, they are not just saying that. It is a must read for us to understand what is happening to make some sense out of this. That will give you strength too. We live in a day of if it hurts, somebody will fix it fast and most times it gets fixed fast. This is a long process. The detach part of this is a big challenge. It is the force field that will protect you along this journey. We both are resentful that we even have to go on a journey we did not sign up for and never knew existed. You are on a similar time frame with me on this journey. I can not imagine what it is like for you with a baby on the way and two D's at the age of my kids. If he tells you that he is going to see a L, then let him see an L. If you can stay calm and patient, your behavior will become confusion for him. I would not say anything like "Then go see a lawyer then I don't care" then he just might. You have to put down your weapons. Keep reading DB and DR SA says believe nothing of what they say and half of what he does. I have read that over and over on these boards and my IC has told me the same thing and I have witnessed it with my wife. Think it has sunk in with me yet? Nope, it still hurts, still makes my imagination run, and still gets me depressed. But looking back the picture starts to form that it is true especially about what they say. So it gets a little easier to digest the spew that comes out of them over time. What I keep seeing on these boards is can you outlast their MLC? Since you are on the timeframe I am, we both have a long way to go. Your Bomb is in within days of mine because it happened in the same month. There is no quick fix for him, but fixing ourselves is doable. I don't like hearing the fixing ourselves part either but I believe now that if you don't think there is anything to fix on yourself then you need more fixing than most anyone else. I don't want you to give up. If you give up, then it will be over and you may regret for the rest of your life. If you plow forward and keep strong, you will know you have done your best no matter what happens. There is so much strength in that alone, it will carry you forward and your D's will see that too.
