None. I have not thought of it actually. I guess this would be our next step. I'll have to discuss this with her this week.
I am just happy now that I made it this far. I still am concentrating on myself mostly, as this will be the time I can backslide easily. If I do, I know I won't make this goal.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
It would be REALLLLLLY good if you had these "loose-leaf," in your mind, at-the-ready for discussion when appropriate. Cuz these are WAY too important to get caught flat-footed should the moment arise when she asks you the ultimate thing every betrayed spouse waits to hear:
What boundaries, if any, have the two of you discussed if you are to move back in completely?
Quote:
"What would it take?"
I agree with Puppy, you need a plan on how things are going to be going forward. Don't be afraid of what she might say.
Transparency plan. Any other skeletons?
Solutions to the M issues.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I am not afraid of what she would say. I just wish everything comes out, so we can move forward. That is what I want. I want all the skeletons to come out, no matter how bad. I just dont know how to get to that point with out flat telling or pressuring her to do so.
I think about what boundaries that need to be set, it's when these times arise, the good 'ol emotions come and cloud what I need to set.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
Glad to hear that things may be moving in a positive direction for you.
Get your plan together. Write down your boundaries and keep them handy so you can get them at a moments notice if necessary. When talking with my W, I have a lot of trouble staying focused and remembering everything that I want to say. Things don't go as I anticipated, we get off on a tangent and then I forget to make certain points. I always have to at least write it down in bullet-point format so I can make sure I address everything.
There have been many good boundary posts on these boards. If you are unsure, review some of them or try googling "relationship boundaries" or something. I'm never afraid to look for new ideas or get help.
I just wish everything comes out, so we can move forward. That is what I want. I want all the skeletons to come out, no matter how bad. I just dont know how to get to that point with out flat telling or pressuring her to do so.
Wishing isn't a plan.
"Here is what I need in my marriage___________, ___________, _____________, and________________. If you can't respect that then I have decided that I can't be married to you."
The blanks are the non-negiotable issues. "I won't share you wtih another man."Joint decisions on how we spend our money."
You then need ways to verify these issues. Transparency: access to each others e-mail, FB, cell phone etc. Weekly discussions about your finances. Find solutions that work for you two.
You steer clear of the emotions by thinking thru the issues. Calm, cool and collected. Lead on brother.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I just wish everything comes out, so we can move forward. That is what I want. I want all the skeletons to come out, no matter how bad. I just dont know how to get to that point with out flat telling or pressuring her to do so.
Wishing isn't a plan.
"Here is what I need in my marriage___________, ___________, _____________, and________________. If you can't respect that then I have decided that I can't be married to you."
The blanks are the non-negiotable issues. "I won't share you wtih another man."Joint decisions on how we spend our money."
You then need ways to verify these issues. Transparency: access to each others e-mail, FB, cell phone etc. Weekly discussions about your finances. Find solutions that work for you two.
You steer clear of the emotions by thinking thru the issues. Calm, cool and collected. Lead on brother.
Yeah, wish did not come out right.
What you posted here is pretty much what I have stored away in my skull. The not sharing with another man is already been brought to her. ...several times. I can include it in the plan, but I think it will be pushing it. I got fantasy land out of her head.
for now..I'll add more when I think of it....
Boundary / Transparancy -Joint decisions on spending money. /We will review finances together. Even separate personal accounts. -Be open / Allow access to "all" other accounts, email,phone, etc. -Children/collectively agree on punishments, curfews, etc.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
It would be REALLLLLLY good if you had these "loose-leaf," in your mind, at-the-ready for discussion when appropriate. Cuz these are WAY too important to get caught flat-footed should the moment arise when she asks you the ultimate thing every betrayed spouse waits to hear:
"What would it take?"
Puppy
Well crap...she did it. She asked "What would it take or what can I(W) do?" Cought me off guard, total shock. I had some of my boundaries in my head but not all. I did tell her I had to think about it some more. She said it was ok. She agreed to what I had(No sharing, finances,being transparant,etc), and said since things change we will discuss new ones as they come. She also wanted me back into the house, completely. She gave me a list of her boundaries(which I knew..most of). I also agreed to them(name calling, bad behavior, common bad behavior).
So things are looking good so far. I still see she is still cautious and I am gonning to take it slow.
Sorry for the short and brief, gotta go run some errands.
oh..Puppy I smoked that Gurka for ya(for all of ya'll actually)...thanks for all the advice......
Y'all have a good weekend!!!!
Last edited by CPCajun; 07/30/1003:02 PM.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
Congrats Cajun! Take it slow and THINK about what it is that YOU need. I'm so happy for you!
Wish I would see some progress im my sitch, but she is just stone faced. We did sit outside for a while last night and she brought me a couple of beers, but she's done that before too and then talked about D, so I'm not reading anything into it.
