cheated on, lied to, and now I am moving on

[awest1217]

I really lost all hope of us reconciling in March, but I just didn't file because I wanted him to and because I had some advantages to not Ding, which I have stated before. H was paying support, but not wanting to see S except once a month and I was always there. Now H is still paying, but he has started to see S every other weekend (this will be his 2nd weekend if he remembers). I still have to get him up every morning and put him to bed every night so H doesn't really know what it is like to be a father, but now that he is doing the every other weekend...my reasoning for not filing is gone.

2nd reason was I didn't want him to play the victim, which that is gone now too since the postcard came and if anyone says anything to me I will pull it out and tell them that I had every right to file considering he has been having an A for 16 months...plus the years of EAs over the internet.

I am really not sad about this at all. I believe my last major break down crying with hope was in May, but really probably in March when he decided to move into his parents instead of home with S and myself without ever telling me he had already moved. Anyway...I haven't cried about it. I am angry and stressed because I don't know what will happen. Will this be easy because H wants it more than me or will he be a butt? Who knows? so the unknown stresses me, but him...not at all.

I have my life and I love my life. I am finally doing everything I always wanted. I am a chemistry teacher at one of the best schools in this area. I have a wonderful, although going through a rough stage right now, almost 3 year old. I have great family and friend, and tons of them. It was crazy how quickly it got around that I fainted last week and how many people contacted me in some way to make sure I was ok. I am in charge of our Sunday school which I have wanted to do for years. I have a beautiful house. I have money saved. I am very blessed!

So no need to wallow because I am already over it and detached. Now just to finalize it. Maybe I am not really feeling what I should, but it really isn't bothering me.

[newmama]

Awest, I will be following along. I think the anger will set in for awhile now...detachment will come and go.

BUT:

I have my life and I love my life. I am finally doing everything I always wanted. I am a chemistry teacher at one of the best schools in this area. I have a wonderful, although going through a rough stage right now, almost 3 year old. I have great family and friend, and tons of them. It was crazy how quickly it got around that I fainted last week and how many people contacted me in some way to make sure I was ok. I am in charge of our Sunday school which I have wanted to do for years. I have a beautiful house. I have money saved. I am very blessed!

THIS IS AWESOME!!!! You are the age I was when I got met stbxh! With WAY MORE insight and experience behind you!

[Lucky11too]

You're definitely an inspiration, Awest. It's not an easy sitch to be in whatsoever, but you're taking it in stride with a great attitude and making the most out of the greatness in life that you do have! Have a great weekend!

[awest1217]

Well, H picked up S today (surprised he remembered since there has been no contact from him). H acted completely normal. He acted like nothing at all had happened. He even tried to give me a hug so I did a half thing, but that was it. I was curtious and mostly focused on S, what he needed, and what we are working on right now so H can continue it.

Then when I picked up he conveniently asked about the postcard... Here is pretty much how the conversation went...

H: what were you talking about when you said a postcard?
Me: a postcard from your travel agent came addressed to you and OW
H: I don't know why I haven't gone anywhere
Me: It was addressed to you and OW thanking you for your travel arrangments
H: All I can think is that OW used my credit card to pay for a plane ticket to see her sister graduate because she didn't have room on her's. What did you do with it?
Me: Threw it away
H: was it from (insert travel agency here) because maybe OW used them to get the ticket
Me: (nothing said and just kept getting S into the car)

He was just so smooth with the whole thing and had an explanation all ready like always. For a little bit tonight I 2nd guessed going to the L because this is it, but although this nagging feeling keeps coming, I know that he is lying, and even if his story was true, why is he letting her borrow his credit card when he wouldn't let our mutual friends borrow movies. Plus that still effects me because if something happens I am liable for that debt. I am not paying for anything for her. However I know it was a lie to cover his butt because that is what he does, and he knows I have no way of knowing what actually happened.

Plus he hasn't done anything for months to work on us, many of my friends see them together around town driving, and he said he wanted a D, but didn't have the money yet (which is stupid because he should have $3000 from our savings left). Either way it is time to be done. I just don't know when I should tell him I am filing. Do I tell him at all or just have him be served? What is the protocol?

S acted up because he didn't want to leave his daddy since he only sees him twice a month, Fridays for 3 hours and Saturdays for 10 hours. It is hard on him because he wanted to see his daddy this week, but H never answered.

Oh well...now off to bed. Any advice is greatly appreciated because I am floundering a bit although I know in my head I have to do this. I am just so scared it is the wrong decision...much like the night before my wedding when I had the thought of the anonymous letter going through my head (the letter was saying how H was sleeping with this red head. How he would always love her and not me). Hard stuff so advice is welcome.

[newmama]

He was just so smooth with the whole thing and had an explanation all ready like always. For a little bit tonight I 2nd guessed going to the L because this is it, but although this nagging feeling keeps coming, I know that he is lying, and even if his story was true, why is he letting her borrow his credit card when he wouldn't let our mutual friends borrow movies. Plus that still effects me because if something happens I am liable for that debt. I am not paying for anything for her. However I know it was a lie to cover his butt because that is what he does, and he knows I have no way of knowing what actually happened.

YOU KNOW 100% that he is lying and you are completely correct on all accounts.

just don't know when I should tell him I am filing. Do I tell him at all or just have him be served? What is the protocol?

IMO, you file first. Then you can warn him that he will be served...will you serve him or do you want your L to pay for someone else to serve him? What is best for your sitch?

I just know that in my case, stbxh filed a month before he actually served me the papers. So I definitely think that you should fully file so that it isn't an empty threat and so that you can't be talked out of it. You know what? Honestly-- filing does not mean it is over. By any means....I mean if you file, it does not mean that the divorce has to go through!

[Lucky11too]

I agree with newmamma. Definitely go to the L on Monday and start the process of filing. He continues to lie, cheat, and is stuck in his rut. But it's still not over til it's over and the D is complete. I know when I had talked to my L, she said in cases where a couple decides not to D before proceedings, she returns the majority of the retainer less any applicable billings for work performed. Just in case your H comes around when served, it might be a question to ask your L.

And one more thing about the postcard. His story is completely BS! I don't buy it for one second! If it really was just her using it to buy the ticket for the graduation, it would have either had just her name (as the passenger) or just his name (as the credit card holder). There's no other reason in the world both of their names would be together on the postcard. And not that you really want to put yourself thru it, but I'm sure there would be ways to call the travel agency and get info out of them. But I think it's time to move beyond that and continue living the new life you have created for yourself. Super surpised that H remembered today, but maybe if nothing else, he's finally starting to learn to be a dad again (well, without the responsibility of one tho). Anyways, take the time for yourself tomorrow!

[awest1217]

Thanks ladies! Any other advice please let me know because I am going to the L Monday and I am not sure how to tell H that I have filed.

H picked up and dropped off S without any incidences. I was reading to S on the porch when H picked up. We were reading "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch. H cried during the whole thing...not really sure why, but I am sick and tired of his constant tears. He has chosen this path in life, not S and I, so why is he crying all the time. He could at anytime change the path and be there more for S or be a family again, but he has chosen not to. Then when he dropped off I pulled in with H and S because I was getting back from the concert. I look cute and H has no idea where I was so that is nice. He cried again as he left...I just don't get it.

I didn't put my ring on this weekend like I normally do because H told me two weeks ago that he didn't want to be my H anymore so why have that to remind me. H is still wearing his, which I want to rip off his hand because he D'd me 16 months ago and puts on a show for his coworkers and anyone else who will watch like he is a devoted father and H...not the real case. He left us months ago, but no one knows that. Sorry back on to how his coworkers told me last year how great of a teacher he is and how awesome it is how I let him stay late. He can stay as late as he wants because he moved out months ago.

Still not sure how to go about telling H that I am filing. I really need advice here. Most people on here don't do the filing. I kind of feel weird like I am giving up, but I have to protect myself and S. H is out doing who knows what (I don't really care) all the time, and who knows how big of a credit card debt he has wracked up so I can't be responsible for that and need to get out now. Advice on what to do would be nice.

Had a lot of fun today! Cleaned the house and windows, went shopping and got a vest to wear in the pics with S on Tuesday, relaxed, took a long bubble bath, went to the concert. After the concert a former student of mine made me laugh so hard. The hardest I laughed in a while so that was fun. I honestly have no thoughts about H or what he is doing at all. I just have my life. I thought about S and wondering what he was doing, but that was it. It is funny because when he dropped off H said a lot like, I don't know if mommy lets you do this or that. He doesn't make the decisions for himself, but thinks what does mommy let you do, like a babysitter instead of a parent. Just an odd thing.

Finally, I do still love H. I see him and love him, but I am good without him. Although I have a lot more on my plate, I the least amount of stress I have had in a while, I am the healthiest I have been in a while, and I am the happiest I have been in a while. I really forgot about me for a long time in our relationship. Because of all the EAs, internet things, etc that have gone on with H, I had made everything about H and how to keep him. As DR tought me, it was the worst thing I could do, but I am young. I neglected myself and H neglected me so now I am enjoying life. I like being able to buy myself a new shirt without getting yelled at, then have H buy a $50 game without a second thought. Or be yelled at because of finances when I never bought anything for me or did anything for me. I mean we never went on a honeymoon or any vacation ever. I asked, but it never happened. I am just glad that now I can enjoy myself and take care of me. I still don't do anything extravagant because I have S to think about, but I am taking care of me and I am happy!

[newmama]

Still not sure how to go about telling H that I am filing. I really need advice here. Most people on here don't do the filing. I kind of feel weird like I am giving up, but I have to protect myself and S. H is out doing who knows what (I don't really care) all the time, and who knows how big of a credit card debt he has wracked up so I can't be responsible for that and need to get out now. Advice on what to do would be nice.

YOU ARE NOT giving up!!!! You are protecting your S and YOU! You are calling it quits to a dysfunctional relationship--if you two R'd, it would be renewed, correct?

So my opinion on how to tell him:

1) you meet with your L, get logistics figured out
2) you submit the paperwork, i.e. "file"
3) you tell your H that same day, with an "escape route" that "I am no longer willing to be married to you while you are having an affair. I filed for divorce today. You will be getting served (by you? or someone else?) shortly."
4) he will freak out most likely. You keep your cool. You do not back down at all.
5) you reflect on exactly what your H will need to do in order for you to consider NOT divorcing him. Post it here, talk with friends and family, etc.

Now, after reading that, analyze/dissect pros and cons to each step and post!!

[awest1217]

NM thank you so much!

3. I would have to text H and I don't want to tell him I have filed through a text, but he won't talk to me any other way so I have to figure some type of middle ground. I just feel it is juvenile to break up with texts.

4. He will freak out, but I don't think at this point he will do anything. I think I will tell him that he told me that he didn't want to be my H anymore like 3 weeks ago and since I had been saving to get a D, I just filed so we didn't have to wait for him to save the money. I am a little concerned because he didn't give me the child support check yet so I hope he doesn't flake now that it is going to go through. He will put a spin on it for his family and friends (friends are few) to say that he is the victim, but I don't care at this point.

5. He has never once tried to reconcile so I don't think he will now. He D'd me in his mind April 1, 2009 and has done every thing he has wanted since. He has been having the A since Feb 2009 and I think it became physical March 2009 because that is when he stopped wanting have sex with me although I tried and he just wanted to fool around (everything but). In order to reconcile, if he wanted to, which I seriously would doubt, he would have to get rid of OW completely. Give me all passwords to every electronic account he has. Lose the cell phone and iPod Touch for a long time (have a cell that only will call and nothing else). Go to church again. Go to MC. He would also have to disclose everything he did with OW because I find out anyway. He would also need to apologize to my family, unlike him, I have kept a good R with his family, but he right away stopped being with my family and he has hurt them badly for that because he was close to my sibs, and they are mad mostly because he left me high and dry, but also because he ignored them when they tried to reach out to him when this first started. When this first started, everyone understood a bit about him wanting to leave because I am very demanding, controlling, and had neglected our R with S coming along (like many new moms) so they tried to help him and say they understand and would help him, but he just ignored it.

It is funny how far I have come. My IC that I went to last year kept saying that I needed to be stronger and tell H what I wanted, but I just couldn't. Now I can, if he tried to reconcile, once again I doubt. I felt like I had caused this and really have worked on myself. I am less controlling. As she told me, i have worked on embracing my feminine side; being more feminine in my dress (although I wear skirts everyday, I was not feminine), speech, character, etc. I feel I have accomplished that a lot. When I started, I had one friend, H, and my family. Now I have about 6 good girlfriends I could call at a moments notice if I need something, and about 3 guy friends who are some of the girls' husbands and my brother's friends from high school so like my brothers, who would help me out around the house if needed. I have a huge support system. H has OW and that is it because he doesn't talk to his family about anything and won't tell anyone else anything.

In the beginning, I felt I was at fault for everything. I was controlling. I was too independent. I was too demanding. I was too neglectful for the last year. BUT then I started to realize as I changed that some of those characteristics were not me, but they were developed to deal with H. I was always independent, but I was a lot less controlling and more trusting before H's OWs. Also H never made a decision (like with our R) so I had to do everything and that made me controlling. I retreated into S more because of H's EAs because S needed me and loves me unconditionally where H treated me as a W for about 6 months and then another OW would come along which I would find out about every other year and I would tell him if he wants to be with her then i would leave and he said I was more important so he would "leave" her, which he wouldn't and after another 3 months of fighting, it would fizzle and we would start over again. I by no means am saying this is all H's fault because I truly believe we both had a hand in our M not working and I have changed so much to become a person I like (I am so proud that I only did one petty thing and that was during my break down in January), however I am starting to realize more H's role and how bad H treated me. My SIL and brother always told me H was abusing me, but I never realized it until I was out. I wasn't being abused like my mom so I didn't see it, but I was.

I am back to being the confident woman I was when I first met H as a teen. I have learned a lot about Rs and am very excited to be on my own. I am excited to have fun and move on. It will be interesting how everything pans out, and it is scarey when it comes to the financial aspect, but tomorrow I will have that part done or at least no if I am going to be the one owing him or he owing me.

I still haven't cried about it, which is weird, or maybe not considering everything in my life I have been through. Yesterday at the concert one guy played Canon in D which I walked down the aisle too and another person played a song that H plays on the piano. Usually that would make me cry, but nothing. Odd...

S slept with me the last two nights again, and he is very fussy when he gets home each night, but we are doing well. Today is the kick-off for my time as Sunday School Superintendent at church so I pray it goes well, tomorrow the L, and Tuesday is pics.

[awest1217]

If anyone else has advice please send it my way because I do take it all in.