She left yesterday morning for the family reunion that was planned. I called her on her drive up which is about 8 hours or so to keep her company in the car, and see how she was doing (which I regularily do when she takes this trip). We talked for about 45 minutes about silly stuff, just having a good time. I told her, "In the past when you've been on the road I haven't always talked to you for very long - but I know that's important to you and I felt like this is something I want to do." She replied with, "Yes, it's nice. The company definitely helps pass the time." In the past conversations were 5 minutes or so.
It was a pretty miserable experience being home alone all night last night. She called me that evening to chat and we talked about 20 minutes or so and she said she was going to bed. I tried to keep myself busy and I was on FB about 2 hours later and she IM'd me.... she didn't go to bed. We video chatted for a while then said our goodnights.
Today at lunch she called me, but I didn't pick up the phone... I don't know... I really wanted to talk to her but I felt like if I did the "needy" me would come out - it was the feeling I had at the moment. I sent her a txt about an hour later that said, "Just saw you called, what's up? Rough stuff here at work today..." and she hasn't responded. I'm pretty sure she is taking a nap because she was out early this morning (and S4 has to nap too). She's not online FB or gmail.
So - I'm hanging on every word she says. I feel impulsive to call her but I'm not. This is some tough tough tough stuff. After going though all this emotional roller coaster and feeling better about us, she leaves me to go on a visit to MIL for 10 days like planned. 10 freaking days - I don't know how I'm going to make it. This is excruciating.
I just keep telling myself - be strong. GAL. Don't be needy. She still loves you, and still says it. Don't F that up.
I'm hoping that if I can remain strong and GAL while she is gone and not be needy she will return missing me. She said before she left that she was going to miss me and "this is just another regular trip, don't worry while I'm gone." HAH! Oh boy.
Good news - I'm going to play golf for the first time this afternoon in about 6 weeks since all of this stuff happened! I think I forgot how to swing a club.
Do you think she's thinking about me as much as I am about her?
Last edited by john28; 07/29/1006:56 PM.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
Forgot to add that she called me back around 3:00 today after she woke up - we chatted for about 10 minutes about her plans to go do some things with MIL and S4... told her I had a teleconference I needed to jump on and let her go. I made a boneheaded move and told her that I missed her then she has a little "Awwwwww!" sound, and then asked if she missed me... her response "not yet". UGH IDIOT.
Well, just got back from golf. I haven't played in 6 weeks and I shot in the 70's. God is a pretty funny person.
She called me again on my way home and had my S4 on the phone, talked to him for a little bit - stayed upbeat and positive. She then talked about her day with me for about 5 minutes or so, I asked questions about it, was a good conversation. She said that she needed to make a plate of dinner for S4, but then got distracted and kept talking to me. I told her that I was letting her go, so she could make dinner.
She ended it with an "ILY, Bye!" but I'll be honest, I didn't feel like saying it back. Matter of fact, in both the phone conversations today I haven't said it. I don't know what's going on - but something is inside my head...
Last edited by john28; 07/29/1011:09 PM.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
John, other than the differences in our ages, your sitch is so familiar to me. Except my wife is still leaving, and I think yours might just be cake eating until the next EA. Are you two in counseling?
She's taking your temperature all the time, and you're making mistakes like you noticed.
This is the hard part of reconciling. Even with good boundaries, and transparency, unless you have a full time private eye watching her along with the NSA monitoring every potential communication device, you're stuck. If she wants to have an EA, (as she has many times before) all she has to do is wait til you drop your guard. She's been cake eating for a long long time, and also knows you and how you'll react.
That little voice in your head is a smart voice. It's something you should trust. And remember! Trust nothing she says, and only half of what she does.
Another mistake made last night. God, I'm such an IDIOT.
I didn't talk to her much at all yesterday, she initiated all the calls, but I was feeling really really down and noticed that she was on FB for a while around 10:30pm and she hadn't called for goodnight yet. I waited a while but then paranoia and loneliness got the best of me and I called her. Chatted for about 15 minutes, but I could tell she wasn't in the mood to talk as she had been earlier in the day. She was eating while we were on the phone and paying little attention to the conversation.
I then told her I missed her, and this house was a pretty lonely place at night - etc.... basically I started down the road of "You left when things weren't right and you're gone for 10 days and I'm going crazy here." BONEHEAD move. Made me seem weak and stupid.
I can keep myself pretty busy during the days and afternoons with work and hobbies, but the nights are what gets me - especially late at night when this house is empty, no one is around but me and my thoughts. I'm going insane here, doing stupid stuff, being paranoid, being needy, everything that is wrong with being a good DB.
Again, I yelled after getting off the phone at the top of my lungs inside the house for maybe 10 mintues - which is VERY rare for me because I never yell even in arguments. I'm hoarse today I took some unisom for sleep and it didn't work for about another hour. I guess tonight I'll take one earlier and just try to sleep to get my mind off this stuff. It seems my only escape lately has been sleep - and even then I dream of her. This is terrible!
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
If he did pushups and situps everytime the thought crossed his mind until he was so exhausted and the feeling passed, the time would be better spent and get him ready for dating post-divorce.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
It seems my only escape lately has been sleep - and even then I dream of her. This is terrible!
Yes, you APPEARED weak and stupid. But you're not.
You made a mistake, a very understandable, common mistake. Don't do it again. You've been through the weepy first week of groveling and begging. Don't slip back into it or you'll spend more time recovering.
I'm not a big fan of using alcohol to solve your problems, but I've found ONE beer an hour before I plan on going to bed to be helpful.
If you want a real laugh, in my dark spot last night, I was seriously contemplating calling an escort service. Yep, imagine that. I had the Yellow Pages open, and was so lonely for some company, some validation, some affection that I was about to PAY FOR IT.
I didn't. It would have made my self-esteem and loneliness 1000x worse.
But just the idea, the thought of it makes me realize how hard this will be for me.
You and I have the same Bomb Day. And this is the first time we've been totally alone. So I feel for you.
If he did pushups and situps everytime the thought crossed his mind until he was so exhausted and the feeling passed, the time would be better spent and get him ready for dating post-divorce.
Hmm, I've been losing so much weight from walking and eating well, but not really working on muscle. This might be an excellent outlet for my energy.
I made a boneheaded move and told her that I missed her then she has a little "Awwwwww!" sound,
"My little puppy misses me." Can you understand how unattractive this makes you look?
Quote:
and then asked if she missed me... her response "not yet".
How can she miss you?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I took some unisom for sleep and it didn't work for about another hour. I guess tonight I'll take one earlier and just try to sleep to get my mind off this stuff. It seems my only escape lately has been sleep - and even then I dream of her. This is terrible!