Ellie, would you mind elaborating on this a little bit in the Tips for Newcomers Thread. I was thinking about posting something alone the very same line.
Owning your own part in the situation is cruicial. For some, it may be as small as wishing that they had not been in denial about thier marraige being in trouble, and for many of us, it was much more. When you are really hurt and your self-esteem has taken major hits, it's not the easy thing to do--looking at what you wish you would have done differently in your M.
Painful as it was to face, I'm glad that both Michele's books and After the Affair forced me to think about that. I would have probably been a lot more punishing and less compassionate if I hadn't owned my part in things.
Ok Ellie, well guess I should have read all the subsequent posts to your post about looking at your spouse's point of view.
Having a different POV does not excuse ANYONE for harrassing or threatening you via e-mail, in fact that likely constitutes a crime. Haveing a differing POV does not excuse ANYONE from this tirade of verbal abuse on your thread.
I sincerely hope that the poster will reflect some of the self-described "class" and cease this behavior before the moderator has to.
Still, I hope everyone here understands that when someone reacts like she did, it's because of the pain they are in. And while I was not involved in any way in that whole brouhaha over in Surviving where certain people were banned from the board, I wish that had not happened, because I could see that Mac was hurting and needed what she was finding here on the board, even if she did behave inappropriately sometimes. Seems to me a warning from the moderators would have sufficed there.
Just wanted to stop by and say HI. Glad things on your thread have calmed a bit.
I want to offer up my support and thanks for your wise words and yes, your style! This is not a time for tip toeing around. D, MLC, Sep and A's are all serious events and straight, clear adivice is what is needed. Each of us have the responsibility to choose how we use it to fit our situations.
I dont like the man style and i lik too much reading fiferrent ponint of views here, althpugh i maybe dont agree with some, i like to reald it all...!! thanks ellie for all your post and advices.. Andrea
You and I seem to have a knack for "ticking" some people off on the bb! What gives these days?
A friend sent me the following. I liked it enough to use it here.
Ok to agree - shows support and non-judgmental demeanor. And people actually begin to believe they're accomplishing something on the bb. Not.
Not ok to disagree - Shows malice and judgmental demeanor.
And yet these same people would shiver at the thought of a dictator expecting the same....I'm sure Saddaam received lots of 'support' from his people....
Don't change your online behavior Ellie. I won't either.
Actually, Soup, I've only gotten "in trouble" twice in a year and a half, so don't think I'm doing so bad Interestingly, both times happened when I was trying to defend a male viewpoint - maybe I should quit sticking up for you guys?
Hyrum Smith, in a book called What Matters Most, talks about Perception Windows - the ways we choose to "frame" and view certain events in our lives. Mostly we don't realize we are looking through these windows, or that our "view" might change if we looked out a different window. People are usually unaware of the unconscious filters that are operating, and think their view of the world is the only one that exists. I think it's a concept that's useful to DBers, since the hardest and most uncomfortable thing most of us have had to do is challenge our perceptions of the events in our marriages. I guess that's what I was getting at yesterday about people who don't recover after their marriages fail - they are unable, or unwilling, to move past that first "how could my spouse do this terrible thing to me? They're so awful" window of perception.
I guess this also relates somewhat to your oft-mentioned concept of letting go of the self-cherishing mind?
i have a habit of trying to stay out of online brawls, i have been online for a very long time and have been the moderator of many bulletin boards so i have learned the hard way to stay out of peoples 'disagreements'
but i had to let you BOTH know that even tho you might be recieving from some people what is considered negative critisism that is no reason to change your online personalities
you two have so much to offer every single one of us - two examples of excellent db'ng, both won, one with their spouse and one without
"the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few"
please do not take anything people write stop either of you from continuing to provide the support you both do
