Everything you say makes sense. I know that there is a missing peice of the puzzle, and I know what the peice is. My problem is I can not prove anything. I do not know where to begin from over here. She is dead set on this, and there was no wavering. When I would make a logical point, her only answer was "I'm sorry, this is how I feel". You can't argue with that.
You didn't read what I wrote. You DON'T argue with her feelings -- you say "I understand that's how you feel" -- but you DON'T have to just make your wishes and desires for your family subservient to hers. "I hear you; this is what you want. It's not what I want. We disagree on this."
That is not an "argument." That's a principled disagreement about the potential break-up of your family, and how you and your kids will spend the rest of your lives.
What happens when I expose it? Who's to say that she doesn't loose her mind and decide that she wants the kids full time, and everything that she can take from me? It's just too damn scary. I would feel like I was playing poker with my relationship with my kids at stake. I cannot and will not gamble that. My daughter is only 7mon's old and I want her to know who her Daddy is. If I get shared physical custody, I know she will know.
This is why I told you in my very first posts to you to GET LEGAL ADVICE. Your attorney can help give you the "best case/worst case" scenarios, so that you can make an informed decision about your risks, rights, vulnerabilities, etc. Have you talked to one yet??
No one's asking you to gamble away your visitation/custody with your kids ... you're getting WAY ahead of yourself. Wanna know what ONE THING you should do? YOu're right, don't spend the $$$ on a PI --- spend it on a bulldog, "men's rights" family law attorney, who specializes in father's rights and paternal custody issues. Get a consultation, and learn more about what you're dealing with here.
You didn't read what I wrote. You DON'T argue with her feelings -- you say "I understand that's how you feel" -- but you DON'T have to just make your wishes and desires for your family subservient to hers. "I hear you; this is what you want. It's not what I want. We disagree on this."
I didn't argue with her feelings until the end. I followed the script. I told her I respected her feelings, that I understood that they were hers and that I couldn't change them. Told I was sorry she felt that way. And told her that I did not agree. I did it until she told me that she was going to a lawyer to find out the next steps.
I lost my way. It wasn't for that long, you can not argue with "Oh, well, this is how I feel and I am not changing my mind"
I was deflated early. Once she broght up the lawyers, I was curious on what she looking for. We spent the next couple of hours talking about that. To be honest, I didn't know what to say.
I did tell her that I was not sure if I could even do this though. That it would be real hard for me to sign anything while not being there. She seemed to understand. Which was weird as seeing how impatient she came off in the beginning.
Puppy,
The comment about sitting down with my son, I understand. I have ran through that already in my mind for both of my kids. I told the wife the same thing. That I wanted to be able to tell our kids that we tried. I am not going to be able to do that. Being willing to do anything, and actually doing it are two different things.
My parents are still married, and I thought that I would be someone who did everything in his power to make a marriage work. This was before kids. After kids, that feeling just cured. I never took into account that both people have to want it. On the other side of the coin, my wife's mother divorced, stepfather, multiple divorces. Dad, mutliple divorces, stepmother, on her fourth. It's just a terrible trend, and I know she is taking the easy way out.
I think that I am going to see if I can get a quote on some PI work done. I just want to know. It might not help anything, but it will at least give me an explaination other than I'm just done.
As far a finding a lawyer, I am doing it.
Me:33 W: 31 M: 8 T: 13 S: 6 D: 8 months The Bomb 7/22/10 "I can't do this anymore, I'm done" http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2048765&page=1
G - Listen to Pup. This is golden. Did you look into the divorce laws about divorcing while serving? Maybe you can still play that card without looking like you're playing hardball to her. Talk to a good attorney and find out what the laws are.
Other then that, like you said. Unfortunately, since you are not there to fight your own battle you might just have to let her go for now. But, dont do it to give into her addiction; do it because YOU WANT to.
Not sure what your financial situation is, but PIs can be expensive, especially if you're not there to give them a detailed idea of your wife's daily schedule, and they have to look for a pig-in-a-poke. Your money might be better spent on, in order:
1. A bulldog "men's rights" atty;
2. Air-fair home for a stay, where you:
a. Install a keylogger on her computer b. Put a voice-activated recorder (about $50) in her car during your stay, and/or a GPS-enabled, pay-as-you-go phone ($40-$50 for the phone; about $5 - $7 for the GPS app) c. Take an in-person meeting with your attorney d. spend some quality time with your kids e. Make note of your wife's daily schedule, in case you need it later for a PI.
Heads up, your life is very likely to aggressively try to "temperature-check" you over the next 24-72 hours. Sniff out what your plan is. It's very much script for them to "Need to know if Gatorz is OK with all of this."
You are under NO OBLIGATION to assuage her fears, insecurities or guilt, G8. You should ignore all but ONE of any TMs or e-mails about this subject, and that one response should be similar to what I posted to you upthread: "Not sure what my plans are at this point; I have some decisions to make."
I am a contractor, not on active duty. I do not think that they apply to me. I will ask though. As far as not going back. That is what is so hard about this. I can if I want to quit my job among other risks. It's just feel like such a large gamble for someone who doesn't want to try.
Thanks for input everyone. I feel a little better already....
Me:33 W: 31 M: 8 T: 13 S: 6 D: 8 months The Bomb 7/22/10 "I can't do this anymore, I'm done" http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2048765&page=1
I did tell her that I was not sure if I could even do this though. That it would be real hard for me to sign anything while not being there. She seemed to understand. Which was weird as seeing how impatient she came off in the beginning.
G - Use this then. Keep the focus on the kids and YOUR FAMILY. Like Puppy said "Tell her that you understand how she feels, but you are a man, a trained soldier and you are trained to face your problems not run away from them. So with all do respect you will have to hold off on making any decisions while you are deployed". If she fights this then you tell her you do what you need to do... period
