Yes the start of the affair would be the start of replay. That still does not really mean anything. Most crisis are measured from the start of replay because that is the first event that is easy to ID by the LBS.
I disagree with TH, she is in a MLC, as far as when it might end. Maybe next month, maybe in 10 years, maybe somewhere in between. No one knows for sure other than it takes a longggggg time. That is why we tell you to stop worrying about her and start worrying about you.
She has given you a gift of time. Start using it wisely.
I asked her to try and not use the past to judge a potentially good future for us, and also to not let her past fears control how she viewed who I am today,
First radio she is not going to beleive anything you say right now.
A little saying around here.
You can't talk your way out of something you acted your way into.
Actions.
Actions for YOU.
MLC? Your call. Don't get caught up in where she is in the stages or when it began. It is what it is. It will end when she decides it will end.
It is helpful to understand maybe what you're dealing with. So looking at the stage etc. helpful to a point BUT
When you start taking focus off you then it is not.
Stop trying to figure out what's in her head.
As far as what she says about you and the M
Listen to the stuff that stings.
THAT is the stuff YOU need to look at for YOU.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
It appears to me that you are still way too engaged in her crisis. In HER nightmare. It appears to me based on your post that you think that somehow you can get her to see the "light". YOU CAN't PERIOD. So please stop trying. The only thing that you can do is...
1) Determine if you have the stomach for this. 2) Get the F out of her way
You have kids together so there will need to be some interaction. Outside of the kids you should say nothing. Nothing at all. If she decides to have a convo - listen..that is it.
If I was a betting man, I would say that you are wondering why we are telling you this. We'll let me answer you.
Your W is sick right now..Your W is confused (call it MLC, call WAS, call it whatever the hell you want). Your W was not happy in the M. This is how SHE feels. YOU feel differently. So what is one to do?
Can you control someone else? NO.
Can anything that comes out of your mouth change the way she feels? NO (You have most likely tried this already)
So what do you do? Everyone has told you already but I will repeat it. Pour yourself a huge glass of STFU, detach and go live your life i.e. GAL. Am I telling you to call it a day and go screw someone else. NO. I am telling YOU to find happiness in YOUR life cause right now your W (for whatever reason) is not going to provide this. Could you she in the future? Yes but NO one can ensure this.
Re-read your thread Radio
And I am sorry if I have offended you.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
If you make yourself the happy fun interesting dude, that sure can help to draw your W back. Also, by living your own life and moving on, it can cause her to draw back to you because of the "wanting something you cant have" thoughts. Some of her interest in DJ is because he is "something she cant easily have".
But the #1 thing you should be doing is continue to be the solid foundation for your kids. If you put the majority of your focus on them, the rest of life has a way of falling in place.
You are letting anything your W says and does push your buttons to overanalyze things. She has way too much control over your actions. Likewise, your line of thinking that you can convince her with words that she needs to snap out of it is controlling. I wish you would have posted the email you sent 3 weeks ago here before sending it to your wife. Everyone here would have said to not send it to her.
I would like to see some posts from you that dont ask for answers about WTF could be going through your currently batchit crazy wife's mind now. Writing some more detail about what fun things you are doing for your kids and yourself would be a good indication that you are detaching.
BTW... I did very similar obsessing about what was going through my W's mind and I tried to reason with her also. Sometimes it just takes hands on experience to learn what does not work.
"Can anything that comes out of your mouth change the way she feels? NO (You have most likely tried this already)So what do you do? Everyone has told you already but I will repeat it. Pour yourself a huge glass of STFU, detach and go live your life i.e. GAL."
Eric, I have skin thicker than a rhino so I don't get offended easily. I do believe I am changing [for the better] daily, in the beginning of this mess out of necessity, and now by personal choice. My 10 year old son lives with me at home, and my wife and daughter live in an apartment a mile away. I want to be a better man and father for my kids, no doubt about it. I'd feel very self-serving to come here and list all the things I do daily to make myself better though.
Anyhow, in my individual experience with my wife, for the most part all the advice/stories I have read here have turned out to be pretty spot on in terms of identifying/understanding my wife's behaviors/cycles, what to do/not to do, etc... I know everyone here says detach, detach, detach, but I have two fundamental hangups with detachment that have me [nearly] fully convinced that I have to take a more direct/engaged approach with my wife.
One is related to this 'theme' of advice I see given here on how to go about loving ourselves better (i.e. getting a life, getting healthy, and so forth), along with reaching a point where we are able to love our spouse(s) in a truly self-less and compassionate manner. It's a very "Western"/Christian way of thinking, one which, from a cultural perspective, simply doesn't apply in a lot of ways with my wife.
Don't get me wrong, this is absolutely how I view the world and try to carry on in my daily life. Chinese culture is wayyyyyy different though, and cultural clashes are one of the major conflict points between me and my wife. The Chinese concept of "love" is very, very possessive and selfish in many ways, and most Chinese people that I've come in contact with have this really high 'sense of entitlement' mentality that can be really frustrating to deal with. Put that mentality in the context of my mixed cultural marriage, where my 'Western' assumptions about how the world is supposed to work clash with my wife's Chinese view of the world. On top of that, throw in a little MLC "crazy" culture, and an [censored] 12,000 miles away who speaks my wife's culture/language and not mine, and you perhaps can get a sense of why I may seem to have a tough time with detaching. Kerry, if I'm not mistaken you were married to a Thai woman correct? Maybe you provide a better perspective on where I'm coming from? Or, better yet, where I'm being stupid and a fool in 'my' way of thinking?
The second, HUGE hang-up I have with detachment is with a personal bounday I have in terms of DJ trying to work his way out here to the good ole' USA. My wife's been cycling through depression big time for the past week. A few days ago we had an argument over the phone and, at one point, she let slip this comment along the lines of, "Man, if 'he' makes it out here, I wonder what will happen..." I say 'let slip' because the comment was totally out of context with the rest of the conversation/argument. When I pressed on whether or not she was referring to DJ, it really pissed her off so I backed off and let it slide.
I didn't press any further on the matter, but her extreme reaction to my question told me I must have hit on something close to the truth in regards to DJ. Soooooo, here's the dilemma. (Did I spell that right? :o) My wife being “bat-chit” crazy and wanting to ‘get away from me’ or possibly divorce me is one thing. I am not giving on my marriage and family, but if my wife chooses to go down that path I cannot force her to stay. However, on the flip side, my gut tells me that DJ is completely taking advantage of my wife’s vulnerabilities and fears, and manipulating her emotions to keep her in LaLa land. He up and out of the blue divorced his own wife about six months ago, had the gall to e-mail pictures of his divorce papers to my wife as “proof” of his love for her, and in that particular e-mail had the gall to profess to her, “Freedom must pay a price! We will soon be together my love!”
It’s very, very sickening to say the least, to read and see that coming from someone who hasn’t had any meaningful, “real” interaction with my wife in 22+ years. I have a very real fear that DJ is manipulating my wife and pressing her to divorce me so that he can find a way to the US. All it would take is for her to go to China and marry him there so she could sponsor him as an immigrant to the USA. Again, maybe Kerry can provide some insight on where I’m coming from. DJ was stupid enough to up and out of the blue divorce his own wife. He’s going to look like an idiot if, no WHEN, he fails to convince my wife to do the same. Him potentially coming to the US is something I’m not prepared to accept on any level. I pray daily that my fears turn out to be unfounded and that it’s ME that’s the paranoid, bat-chit crazy person. But the evidence suggests another possible outcome – i.e. pictures of divorce papers, proclamations by DJ, wife’s recent comment. This is a reality I could never accept.
Alright, I’m done preaching, prancing, and rationalizing. Let me have it!
My wife being “bat-chit” crazy and wanting to ‘get away from me’ or possibly divorce me is one thing. I am not giving on my marriage and family, but if my wife chooses to go down that path I cannot force her to stay.
When you understand the concept of detachment along with the learning curve of the LBS
You will see that what we tell you is true.
Don't believe me?
What is your strategy to "protect" your W from this predator who is taking advantage of her?
It will be like taking crack from a crack addict
Like taking a drink from an alcoholic
Stealing an ice cream cone from a kid
She wants this...
And any attempt you try to take it away from her she will resist
Especially if you have been trying to control her already
THAT is precisely what she is running from.
I can't speak to the cultural differences
BUT
I know that if you try to impose your will on her
It will be painful for YOU.
I am a big believer that you have to experience your own mistakes before you learn...
So do what you think is right.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
If this DJ is as manipulative as you think he is, is it possible that the divorce papers he took a picture of are fake? It seems that he can't be that bright if he's put all of his eggs in one basket by divorcing his wife and looking to yours to 'save him' by bringing him to the US.
Wonder if there are any others he has on the 'hook' in case it falls through with your W?
"I am a big believer that you have to experience your own mistakes before you learn..."
Learning from other peoples' experiences/mistakes has always been ME. It's just who I am by nature. On the flip side, I've been through the school of hard knocks one too many times in my young life - i.e. lost my mom to cancer when I was 12, my dad 8 months later from alcoholism/depression, step-brother in a coma for 3 months, and, unfortunately, many more experiences similar to these. It's been my lot in life. No biggie. I've gotten over myself (my own ego) a long time ago. That's the internal, psychological explanation on why I have a tough time with detachment. My personal experiences have ingrained in me very deeply...Sometimes the only way to get out of a burning forest is straight through. I consider this 'trait' a blessing and a curse. I just hope I don't screw it up with my wife.
"If this DJ is as manipulative as you think he is, is it possible that the divorce papers he took a picture of are fake? It seems that he can't be that bright if he's put all of his eggs in one basket by divorcing his wife and looking to yours to 'save him' by bringing him to the US. Wonder if there are any others he has on the 'hook' in case it falls through with your W?"
Hi seeking answers. You bring up a good point. It's something I haven't thought of before. All I know for certain is what he has done with/to my wife. I'll tell you another thing this psycho did. At one point I was snooping my wife's email. I don't justify what I did. It was wrong. I got busted snooping back in February, immediately stopped, and will not snoop again. My only defense is that I didn't know what else to do at the time. In any case, over a period of maybe 2 months I saw that, on DJ's Windows Messenger Profile, he gradually began removing pictures of his wife and kids. About a month into 'snooping' I went to his profile one day and saw a new folder of pics, with nothing but pics of my wife, a handful of pics of my daughter, and a couple of pics of my son and her parents. Long story short, based on allo of DJ's actions I've described for which I have proof, what you suggest is definitely in the realm of possibility. But, I have no way of knowing for sure. All I know is the guy is psycho, and has my wife hooked up on him. I don't know what to about it.
