Another sad story

[pinhead]

Today the W and I are meeting with our pediatrician to talk about how to break the news to our daughters, and even talk about our custody agreement.

Then she's off to her hometown with our two Ds until Sunday. This is going to be a really hard time for me, not seeing my daughters for so long. I'm their primary caregiver, I cook 99% of their meals, get them dressed, put them to bed, everything.

My marriage is really ending. I've accepted that now. I'm not even trying to DB now, at least in the sense of getting her back; rebuilding our marriage. I'm just trying to get through each day, take care of myself, take care of my daughters.

I have a ton of financial details to work out, getting the house in my name, meeting with a mediator to write up the details of our separation, taking her off any of my accounts, etc.

I don't want to lawyer up, but I don't want to get screwed over for alimony and child support. From what I understand, with joint custody there shouldn't be any child support, though I will provide some $$ when I can to help out.

Even if the law says she's entitled to alimony and child support, I think she'll keep her agreement with how we're splitting things up financially. In this plan, I keep all our credit debt (46K), my retirement funds(23k + 25K) and the equity in the house (roughly 10K). She would retain her 401K (28K). This is really in her favor.

But if she changes her mind, then she'll get half that credit card debt too. And she knows that I'd declare bankruptcy as well, screwing her credit for 7 years.

I make about 3x what she does, so she's definitely going to have a hard time adjusting to a lower life style, but that's her choice.

I have no hopes of reconciliation now. It may happen, and I'd be very surprised, but I don't know that I'd want back in a R with her. So many things are wrong with us, and it's probably best to find someone who will be better for me.

Pinhead out.

[LRT Land]

(((BIG HUG)))

As Puppy chastised me, you should meet with a lawyer to educate yourself and be ready regardless. Also, it may take a couple tries to find one you mesh with. I think that is important.

I believe joint custody means sharing in decisions re education, medical, etc. There will be child support unless you share primary custody 50/50 as in the children are with you half the week.

Her lawyer will press for alimony because of your disparate incomes, but a friend of mine had that issue and she received only a small lump sum payment.

You sound detached but I know it is still hard. I'm clearly no expert on whether you should keep trying or not. For me, I did not and do not feel like I have tried everything yet and I need to know that I did.

I still can't believe she told you on Father's Day. That was cruel IMO. Makes me think she really wanted to make a statement or get a reaction.

So I can't offer much advice but I can offer support. You'll know what's best for you and the kids.

[pinhead]

I'm meeting with a lawyer on Monday, so hopefully I will have a better idea of my potential exposure. She has every incentive to be cooperative though. She really wants my help in raising the girls, and I don't think that she feels confident in her ability to raise them if she was granted primary custody.

She hasn't mentioned any alimony, and if that becomes an issue, I'll fight her tooth and nail. I don't think she'll want this to get ugly, as she's really afraid that I'll somehow get Johnny Cochran as a lawyer and take her girls away...

I'm actually looking forward to being single. It's been so long since I've been in any "normal" type of relationship that it'll be a breath of fresh air. I've devoted the last 13 years to giving so much to her and getting so little in return, that even the most casual relationship will be great. But I have to be patient, can't date til she's out of the house, and the paperwork is being processed.

Originally I had asked her (pre-DB era) to wait a year from separation to when she would file for D. But now I figure there's no reason to wait. That'll shock her, but hey, I got the shock of a life earlier. I really don't think that she ever loved me the way I loved her in the beginning, I think she just loved the attention and affection. It doesn't really matter anymore.

The eternal optimist and hopeless romantic in me hopes I'm wrong, that somewhere in her she really does love me, that the last 13 years haven't been one big lie. But if it was, I'll be okay. I have my wonderful daughters, I'm healthy, my faith is coming back to me, and life goes on.

[idontunderstand]

Good on you, Pinhead.

It sounds like you have your head on straight.

It continues to surprise me how similar our sitch's are. While my W is out doing all her coaching and running around, I also feed and bathe the kids, put them to bed, play with them, etc. I have always been involved with all my kids and this has brought me even closer.

You have learned so quick here that I read your posts to get an idea of what I should do! I'm proud of you and hope the best for you and your family.

IDU

[WalkingMan]

sorry. The exact same thing happened to me as well. My XW has some real issues.

[pinhead]

I don't feel like I've learned quickly. I feel like a failure, not just to her, but to myself. Like the last 13 years have been a fraud. If it weren't for my two daughters... They make it worth it.

DBing has been a salvation for me, not because we've reconciled, but because it gave me back my self esteem and confidence.

But God, it still hurts so bad.

[Espr444]

Hey I feel like a failure as well, but I want to make things right. Hey it wasn't just our faults in the marriage we have to keep our heads up I know easier said then done!! This past week has been stressful school, work, and for some reason I just feel alone more than usual, but have to be strong and positive. Talk soon gotta get back to work!!
Hope

[LRT Land]

I felt like a failure for a long time because of the ssm - even though I seemed to be the only one trying to do anything about it. What the past couple weeks have done for me is make me realize I didn't deserve a blind letter from a lawyer. In fact, I didn't deserve any of this. Yes - we had a ssm - but I wasn't in it alone. And you don't blindside your mate with a letter from a stranger stating you want to end the marriage.

It does hurt. It all hurts. But I agree that DB/DR has helped me to find "me" again. Here's something else that helps me and maybe it will help you: when you are feeling especially low, trying lifting your chin an inch. For me, it gives my confidence a boost. Hope it helps you too.

[pinhead]

One thing I've learned in the last 3 hours is not to be alone.

I know that sounds silly, but especially when you're raw, always have a place to go or someone you can call. I'm all alone, the girls and my STBXW are out of town, and this house is so quiet and lonely.

So just like I have a mental "Panic Button" for when I don't want to say something to my W that I'll regret, I need a Panic Button for when I'm losing it.

Staying home, trying to figure out what to do, even being online is not the answer. Doing something, anything is better. Batting cages, bookstore, coffeeshop, volunteer work. If you can see on your schedule that you have alone time, squash it like a bug. Stay busy, make yourself busy, so you don't have time to mope and feel sorry for yourself.

[john28]

One thing I've learned in the last 3 hours is not to be alone.

I know that sounds silly, but especially when you're raw, always have a place to go or someone you can call. I'm all alone, the girls and my STBXW are out of town, and this house is so quiet and lonely.

So just like I have a mental "Panic Button" for when I don't want to say something to my W that I'll regret, I need a Panic Button for when I'm losing it.

Staying home, trying to figure out what to do, even being online is not the answer. Doing something, anything is better. Batting cages, bookstore, coffeeshop, volunteer work. If you can see on your schedule that you have alone time, squash it like a bug. Stay busy, make yourself busy, so you don't have time to mope and feel sorry for yourself.

I feel you. My W left for a MIL visit with S4 and wont be back for 10 days. this house is so cold and lonely.