Still trying to find my way

[Abbey]

Those are the signs you need to feel. There are ups and downs,... you'll slide and you'll keep clawing back... wondering what it is that you can do to get your life back.
*hugs*

[Vulcanized]

Both meanings are quite accurate. I do feel very vulnerable and powerless, unable to move forward. And now that I'm having more, for lack of a better word, lucid, moments I do wonder if some of it is fear preventing me. I don't know what's out there so I'll cling to what is familiar, even if it is painful.

Bingo!

I dunno. In my sitch, I'd rather deal w/the unknown. The known of H, OW & A is no fun. Sure, it's painful at times, but at least I have my self-respect & sanity.

Keep trying to walk forward. There is no other option ... at the end of the day, you & ds have you. And you are pretty damn ok.

[pinhead]

There's also an addictive quality to the pain we feel. I know it sounds weird, but you feel more alive sometimes when you're hurting, even though you know it's not good for you.

I have a mental "panic button" that I use to break out of my little spirals. Whenever I get close to the edge, I think of the line from Young Frankenstein where the young Doc is approaching the door to the family castle and says "Nice Knockers!" Almost always brings a smile to my face, even in the darkest moments.

[Coach]

There's also an addictive quality to the pain we feel. I know it sounds weird, but you feel more alive sometimes when you're hurting, even though you know it's not good for you.

things become memorable and exciting when you involve the senses and emotions (good and bad)- touch, smell, visual, sound, and taste. smell is a powerful trigger for emotions use it to your advantage.

[Mystik]

Tuesday exchange was pretty uneventful. H called after I was already at the exchange place to change it to be at the Dunkin Donuts just down the road, I still got there first. He dropped off DS, didn't really talk to me nor I to him.

Wednesday was a quiet day. DS called H in the morning to ask if H could get him that day. I asked H if it would be replacing his Thursday dinner visit and he said if he did he would want DS on Friday because Wednesday to Wednesday is a long time without seeing DS. (Turns out that DS didn't go with H but I wanted so bad to tell him that going a week without seeing DS is one of the consequences of his decisions.) Then I had a conversation with DS that blew my mind. He said I needed to get married to have a husband, I told him that I already have one. He said, "No you don't. He left you. He doesn't love us." I was stunned and DS continued on, saying "I know it's sad but look at me, I'm not crying. You just have to deal with it." It was H's words coming from my son's mouth. Gee, wonder if H has been coaching him much.

Had therapy after work, talked about DS for half of it and H for the other half, told her about my concerns with letting go and moving on (more on those in next post). Told her about my conversation with DS where he sounded so callous, it was like H was sitting there talking to me. Told her about H's e-mail he sent me a couple weeks back, she said she had some not so nice words in mind and said that his letter was all about him and what he expected me to give him and that he wants friendship so he doesn't have to feel guilty for what he's done. I was already thinking that he was feeling guilty and that was why he wanted to be friends. I told her how I don't plan to ever date or get involved with someone again, she said that was silly to feel that way, that I can't predict the future. Fine then, right now at this point in time, I do not ever plan on dating or being with anyone other than my H. Overall though I don't feel much got accomplished that session other than her insisting that H is not going to come back to me. Way to be positive, Doc.

Today after lunch H e-mailed me to say his doctor got some blood work results back and wanted to see him ASAP when they normally schedule out, they wouldn't give him info over the phone, so could I get DS. Of course I made arrangements to get DS, but now I'm a nervous wreck, worried about his recent doctor appointments and what the bloodwork results are. It's killing me that I can't let him know of my concerns or ask him what is going on with him. I do still love him despite all he's done to me and am very concerned about his health. And it also worries me that he hasn't contacted me to schedule a replacement visit for the one he missed tonight. Very unusual.

[pinhead]

Had therapy after work, talked about DS for half of it and H for the other half, told her about my concerns with letting go and moving on (more on those in next post). Told her about my conversation with DS where he sounded so callous, it was like H was sitting there talking to me. Told her about H's e-mail he sent me a couple weeks back, she said she had some not so nice words in mind and said that his letter was all about him and what he expected me to give him and that he wants friendship so he doesn't have to feel guilty for what he's done. I was already thinking that he was feeling guilty and that was why he wanted to be friends. I told her how I don't plan to ever date or get involved with someone again, she said that was silly to feel that way, that I can't predict the future. Fine then, right now at this point in time, I do not ever plan on dating or being with anyone other than my H. Overall though I don't feel much got accomplished that session other than her insisting that H is not going to come back to me. Way to be positive, Doc.

Same with my wife. If I don't act all friendly and chatty Cathy, she starts to get really worried. It's all about controlling us, whether consciously or unconsciously. If we can be friends with them, it means they haven't hurt us that badly. And if we're friends, we'll be there for them when they want or need us.

[Mystik]

Everyone makes very good points. Pain can be addictive, and Lord knows I do have an addictive personality.

Did some more thinking about why I'm having trouble letting go and moving on. I think it's because of what letting go and moving on mean to me. To me, if I let go of H it's like I'm saying I don't love him anymore. Which is so far from being the truth. And to move on means I'm saying that I accept he may never come back. Which I don't, I'm still clinging desperately to the hope that he will come back and pray for it nightly. Logically I know that my interpretations of letting go and moving on aren't true, but I'm having a hard time believing it. And I do realize that I can't keep doing what I've been doing if I am going to win him back, I need to change it. But how do I reconcile my beliefs about letting go and moving on with changing things so he wants to come back to me?

[Mystik]

Pinhead, you snuck in on me. You are so right, they just want to make themselves feel better and think being friends will accomplish that, it has nothing to do with us or what we want.

[pinhead]

Mystik,

One thing I've learned the last 40 days is that I love my wife, more than the day I married her. Even knowing all her flaws, weaknesses and downright irritating things.

I've also learned that it probably isn't enough...

Hardest thing ever. My love wasn't enough. Not enough to make her happy. Not enough to make her want to stay. Not enough to heal the hurt she's carried for decades.

Accepting that is so liberating. I still miss her tremendously, and tonight was the first of many really rough nights. And I'm sure that I'll wish that she'd return for years, maybe the rest of my life.

But, I won't stop living my life to wait for that day. If it happens, I'll look up, smile to her, and say "I've been waiting for this for so long." And I'll forget the hurt I've been through.

If it never happens, I'll have my two wonderful daughters to share my life with, my friends and family, my faith, and my hobbies. And perhaps I'll find someone special who'll want to share these treasures with me.

Understand this: you can't change things so he wants to come back. You can only change yourself. He may never notice these changes, or he may see your changes and not be moved. But if he's not free to see the world through his own eyes, to test himself against it, if he's bound to you by your pursuit or guilt or a million other things, he'll never return. Set him free.

[Mystik]

I know that saying "If you love something let it go. If it returns it's yours to keep. If it doesn't, it never was." He was going to return... but then he didn't. Breaks my heart all over again every day.