Glad to see you're out of limboland. Nothing is worse, and I'm glad I'm almost across the line. When you get down, remember your faith, and ask God to be with you. It's worked almost every time for me, calming me when I reach an almost hysterical, panicky phase.
That and the best friends anyone could ever ask for.
Thanks, pinhead. To be honest, had I not returned to my faith, I would probably be in a room with padded walls right now. A couple of things that I hold onto are 2 Corinthians 12:10 which says, "That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.", and the poem Footprints. I have always loved that poem, but it means even more now because I know that for the past nine months there has only been one set of footprints, as the Lord has been carrying me.
Events of the past couple of days have shown me that I am totally in control of this situation and that she is shell-shocked at what is happening to her. I don't think it will change her actions, but I do know that right now she is having a lot more difficulty dealing with this situation than I am.
I told her today that once the ball starts rolling it is going to be moving really fast (like 4-6 weeks until divorce is final) and that I wasn't going to do anything to slow it down. Told her I was just ready for it to be over so I could move on with my life. Her response was shock that it could happen that fast and her voice wavered as she spoke after that. Again, I don't think she will change her actions, but the consequences are coming much faster than she expected.
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
Well a lot has happened in the past couple of days. We spent a lot of time on the phone yesterday going over the asset/debt spreadsheet and reaching a consensus on the language we wanted to use concerning cars, personal items, pensions, etc. We haven't seen each other physically in 8 days and won't for another 11, but just talking was difficult emotionally for both of us.
At this point, I have to admit that I have given up hope for any kind of reconciliation. With that in mind, I sent her an email last night that I am sure will get me in trouble with Puppy Dog Tails, Robx and Coach.
Not going to quote it word for word, but basically I told her that in order for me to be willing to enter into another relationship in the future, I needed to know what I could have done to keep this from happening. I will never put myself in the position to go through this hell again, even if that means a lonely, solitary life by myself. I told her I knew she was trying to protect my feelings, but that if she ever wanted me to be happy again, she had to tell me what I should/could fix for the next time.
Her response was no real help. She told me it was all her. She was messed up and I was the victim. She was sorry she "ran away" and that I would be an awesome person to be in a relationship with.
My question to you is WTF? If I am so wonderful, why are we going through this right now? And before you tell me it is pursuing, I asked the questions because I am GAL and I do want to find other relationships, but I am scared. I thought her insight might be able to help me as I move on with my life. I tried to make it clear to her that it wasn't about her, but whoever the next person was that I wanted to have a relationship with.
Today has been a better day. Tomorrow I meet with the attorney and, if all goes well, will be filing. This process has twists and turns than any roller coaster I have ever been on. Just when you think you've got it, you get taken for another loop.
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
One other thing, she has attempted to initiate physical meetings a couple of times this week under the auspice of needing to discuss the settlement and I have told her it wasn't necessary. She has gone as far as offering to reschedule or cancel meetings at work, but each time I have told her I didn't see any reason we couldn't handle things over the phone without meeting. Every time this has happened, she has reacted with disappointment that we couldn't get together. Is this a sign of hope, or is it just wishful thinking on my part?
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
And before you tell me it is pursuing, I asked the questions because I am GAL and I do want to find other relationships, but I am scared. I thought her insight might be able to help me as I move on with my life. I tried to make it clear to her that it wasn't about her, but whoever the next person was that I wanted to have a relationship with.
Right. Sure. So what, you're ready to start dating this WEEKEND or something??
Bullchit, L4S, you knew this was wrong to do, and you did it anyway, because it FELT good. Supplication (and the sympathy it garners) always does.
This was a great conversation to have ... 12-18 months from now.
Right. Sure. So what, you're ready to start dating this WEEKEND or something??
This was a great conversation to have ... 12-18 months from now.
Puppy
It is good to have people that tell it how it is and aren't afraid to share their opinion. I had a real bad day and acted on my feelings instead of using my head.
I will tell you, though, I don't plan on waiting 12-18 months to start dating and I would like to have answers to those questions before I begin that process. Clearly from her response I am never going to get real answers to my questions so they won't be asked again.
As someone who married at 18, this dating crap is going to be all new to me AND I get to go into it with a very fragile psyche. Recipe for disaster in my mind. On the other hand, I don't care for the prospect of going for an extremely long period of time without the joy that comes from the companionship of a member of the opposite sex.
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
I gotta agree with Puppy. Not only were you pursuing, but you're forgetting to think about your W. Any advice she'd give you now would be tainted by her emotions; guilt (which is where the "awesome person" line comes from), and her involvement with the OM. In a year or so, after that A has cooled and she's had some time to really reflect, she might be able to objectively tell you what was really wrong. But now? Not a chance. She's as high as a kite on hormones.
The physical meeting thing is probably just her trying to gauge you. See if you'll be a safety net etc. You were smart to avoid them. It doesn't mean anything other than her trying to keep some control over you.
It has been a while since I posted, so I thought I would update. My wife is on the trip I mentioned early on in this thread, and she isn't alone. OM went with her, which I must admit was a real blow. I have followed through with GAL, and have been fairly successful to this point.
There are still some bad days, especially Saturdays, as this was a day we always spent together do things we both enjoy. Attending activities at church has been great as both a time-filling activity, and has given me the opportunity to get back to something I love.
Got the initial draft of the divorce papers from my attorney today and after reading through them, I authorized sending them to her. Since we are working together, she doesn't have to be served, they just have to be mailed to her. She gets back late tomorrow and my hope is that the papers are waiting for her in the mailbox when she arrives. If everything goes well, we could be in court and done by the end of August. I am ready to move on with my life without her so I hope she just signs the papers and fades into a distant memory.
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
I'm so sorry, L4S. Your wife sure seems hell-bent. My fear (for her) is that OM will dump her, in which case she will crash HARD, and it will be too late for YOU to want to get back with her at that point.
