Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

Tuesday exchange was pretty uneventful. H called after I was already at the exchange place to change it to be at the Dunkin Donuts just down the road, I still got there first. He dropped off DS, didn't really talk to me nor I to him.

Wednesday was a quiet day. DS called H in the morning to ask if H could get him that day. I asked H if it would be replacing his Thursday dinner visit and he said if he did he would want DS on Friday because Wednesday to Wednesday is a long time without seeing DS. (Turns out that DS didn't go with H but I wanted so bad to tell him that going a week without seeing DS is one of the consequences of his decisions.) Then I had a conversation with DS that blew my mind. He said I needed to get married to have a husband, I told him that I already have one. He said, "No you don't. He left you. He doesn't love us." I was stunned and DS continued on, saying "I know it's sad but look at me, I'm not crying. You just have to deal with it." It was H's words coming from my son's mouth. Gee, wonder if H has been coaching him much.

Had therapy after work, talked about DS for half of it and H for the other half, told her about my concerns with letting go and moving on (more on those in next post). Told her about my conversation with DS where he sounded so callous, it was like H was sitting there talking to me. Told her about H's e-mail he sent me a couple weeks back, she said she had some not so nice words in mind and said that his letter was all about him and what he expected me to give him and that he wants friendship so he doesn't have to feel guilty for what he's done. I was already thinking that he was feeling guilty and that was why he wanted to be friends. I told her how I don't plan to ever date or get involved with someone again, she said that was silly to feel that way, that I can't predict the future. Fine then, right now at this point in time, I do not ever plan on dating or being with anyone other than my H. Overall though I don't feel much got accomplished that session other than her insisting that H is not going to come back to me. Way to be positive, Doc.

Today after lunch H e-mailed me to say his doctor got some blood work results back and wanted to see him ASAP when they normally schedule out, they wouldn't give him info over the phone, so could I get DS. Of course I made arrangements to get DS, but now I'm a nervous wreck, worried about his recent doctor appointments and what the bloodwork results are. It's killing me that I can't let him know of my concerns or ask him what is going on with him. I do still love him despite all he's done to me and am very concerned about his health. And it also worries me that he hasn't contacted me to schedule a replacement visit for the one he missed tonight. Very unusual.