AZ ~ I'm dying of curiosity about something. The times that you stepped out on her - when you went "poly", too - how did she handle it? I have a prediction but you tell me first how it went. Dying to know. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
seems like a good plan of action. I have largely been doing the opposite of it.
Maybe I should print it out and keep several copies on hand.
No, don't print it out and keep it on hand. If she goes snooping (which she will if you do all those things because she'll become suspicious) she'll find it and she may think all these things you are doing are "fake" even though you are making yourself a better person.
okay will do. Like I said, im at the point where anything looks good.
AZ ~ I'm dying of curiosity about something. The times that you stepped out on her - when you went "poly", too - how did she handle it? I have a prediction but you tell me first how it went. Dying to know. Greek
I attempted to do the poly thing twice hard core.
Both times she was thrilled. Wanted me to find someone to connect with.
Needless to say the key word there is "tried" because my heart wasnt into it and both people knew and eventually went their own way.
I agreed to it. Completely guilty of that. Changed my mind when I felt pushed out of my marriage. She claims she wasnt doing that, butit was my jealousy that made me unattractive to her. So here we are...me no longer wanting to share her and her wanting me to give her freedom to choose who and what she does. Its a really dark dark place for me to be sitting. Half of me wants to give up and just let her go be free, the other half wants to stay and fight for what I deserve. She isnt my property though, so do I really deserve her?
Your wife is a freakin' WAW GENIUS! Look it ~ she got you to marry her (companionship, financial support, family facade, hearth and home)and stay married to her while agreeing to leave the door open to do other men when they "flung a craving on her" (southern expression). The genius is she got you to AGREE to that - damn, son - she could sell ice to an Eskimo! So now, when your civilized brain finally makes contact with your daily reality, you SEE that this was an incorrect agreement you entered into...AND YET...she is such a master mind that she has you convinced you can't CHANGE YOUR MIND, FIND YOUR BALLS AND TELL HER "it's ME or THEM" without wondering if you should!
If you want any chance at all of spending the rest of your life with this woman in a committed, monogamous marriage (redundant), then you have to be a Man about it. You say, "W, I made a mistake allowing you to construct an open marriage for us. It's been good for neither you nor I. I have allowed you to dishonor yourself and me, but no longer. You will either commit to therapy for us to heal this gaping wound, or I will divorce you. That is what it will take going forward. This is the shot I'm calling." And if she can't come up with a marriage saving answer, I would walk, buddy, and not look back. You have VALUE!
Don't answer this here - but think about it this way: what if your son's wife asked him to live in the kind of marriage you have had...and he asked you for advice. You would say? Or, what if your daughter wanted to be the kind of wife yours has been? You would tell her?
I am actually considering the lover thing now. It sickens me to think about it. But there it is. I dont know. Most of you guys are dead on about this. I have always known that. Its not that I dont think that the best option probably is divorce, I just am trying to find anything else that will prevent that.
No stone unturned.
Taking a lover is a crummy idea.
Really? You need a LOVER now? NOW?
I thought what you want is your marriage? A lover is a distraction.
Geez. Greek
A lover is BAD. However what his wife is doing to him will strip a part of him, that only the opposite sex can put back. I guess if he totally disengaged and accepted that he would not be able to enjoy the pleasures of the opposite sex, while she's doing her thing. For most of us that is a big enough blow to have that choice forced on us.
Yeah I took the chance. Its not that. I recognize my failure here.But I trusted her not to do this.I mean, she told me we wouldnt get here. And I think thats what is happening for me now. I feel foolish and stupid to have trusted her.
You took the chance.
It is that.
A "chance" isn't a guarantee, it's a chance, a chance at success or a chance at failure.
You took your chance and you failed.
Trusting someone who is openly "polyamoric" (if that's even a word), was the mistake. The trust came from someone (you) who was essentially monogamous, and applied to someone who is polygamous (your wife). The two aren't congruent but you feel somehow that your original misplaced trust should have been respected by your wife because you "trusted her" to do the right thing.
This was your mistake.
You trusted her to be someone she isn't but you have a problem with it because you believe somehow your trust negates her inherent nature to be polygamous. Regardless if you say you understand/understood her polygamous nature and knew what you were getting into, you obviously had problems with it.
You feel dumb & stupid now because you are only now realizing that you can't tell the zebra to remove it's stripes.
She has had numerous lovers, "boyfriends", while being married to you, you have essentially "trained" her (for lack of a better word, "programming" comes to mind as well) that what she does is ok with you. You had unrealistic expectations that she wasn't to fall in love and get serious with one of her boyfriends/lovers. Why this restriction? If you have conceded the fact that she is polyamorous/polygamous, and given the fact that she fell in "love" with you one time many years ago, a polyamorous/polygamous person is by their very nature going to fall in love with several other people and guess what happens after that, they tend to forget their previous mates/partners.
But you somehow feel cheated because of this realization, you feel dumb & stupid to finally find this out now, I hate to agree with you but I think I have to in this circumstance. How you lasted this long is beyond me.
Well yeah. I know that. I told her that from the start. That if this got too serious that I would be pushed out. That's human nature. She absolutely insists that she was doing "right by me" but is happiest when she has the freedom to be who she is. Im really stuck on this. I dont want her to be with me out of loyalty and commitment, that is no way to live. But she believes what she believes.
If she "absolutely insists" that she is doing right by you, how come you aren't feeling right?
She sounds like someone who is pretty good at twisting words, thoughts and feelings around til you feel puzzled as to why you started complaining in the first place.
If you don't feel right, it's quite possible that it isn't right regardless of how much she "absolutely insists" that she's doing right by you.
Maybe you should absolutely insist that you are doing right by her for her to start feeling the way she is supposed to feel about you just because you tell her to.
Confused?
You shouldn't be, it's been working for her to say this crap to you and you ate it. Maybe serve her up a hot bowl of this soup and ask her how it tastes.
I dont happen to disagree with anything anyone has said here. I just need to exhaust all my avenues before I give up. ANd I cant fail here. This is not just my life IM talking about but my kids.
Well if you really want to do right by your kids, you're going to take my original advice, the very first reply to your thread.
Kids learn by example, all children are made that way. If you believe that you learn just by what you are told then you are mistaken.
Your children are viewing this relationship and they are slowing building up programming which will eventually lead them to believe that this type of relationship is normal. You & your wife both have dual responsibility in this but since she's "polyamorous", I don't expect her to do the right thing. Your children will play out the patterns of behavior that they've learned while growing up with you & your wife, that's not a "maybe they'll be ok" chance, this is what's going to happen to them. They will end up in relationships where they are abused in some form or fashion by their spouse: mentally, emotionally, verbally, physically, sexually, etc. Instead of leaving, they'll just consider this normal relationship behavior but struggle with the fact that it doesn't feel right to them.
I get it, you want to exhaust every option before calling it quits, what other options do you really believe you have? I think this is the first time someone has posted on these forums that they were a willing partner in a polygamous relationship that has lasted several years.
This is the house you built but now you're saying you don't want to live in it anymore but you don't want to sell it to someone else because it has sentimental value so you don't know how you can stay but make it a completely different home that you can live in, somehow you want the house to be different but still be the same.
Sure you can. Consider nuns and monks; its about knowing yourself. Physical intimacy is a want not a need. Discard your wants and you can better understand yourself spiritually.
During the "hot wife / cuckold" thing you have had going on was there a time that you enjoyed it and that is why you allowed it to continue?
Why do you feel you needed to be sexually submissive and undermined by your wife?
Even if it was possible for her to change, your relationship dynamics to change, what would you do about the "history?"
I am actually considering the lover thing now. It sickens me to think about it. But there it is. I dont know. Most of you guys are dead on about this. I have always known that. Its not that I dont think that the best option probably is divorce, I just am trying to find anything else that will prevent that.
No stone unturned.
Taking a lover is a crummy idea.
Really? You need a LOVER now? NOW?
I thought what you want is your marriage? A lover is a distraction.
Geez. Greek
A lover is BAD. However what his wife is doing to him will strip a part of him, that only the opposite sex can put back. I guess if he totally disengaged and accepted that he would not be able to enjoy the pleasures of the opposite sex, while she's doing her thing. For most of us that is a big enough blow to have that choice forced on us.
Nah its a bad idea. I know that. I have been really hurting badly lately. I just dont get why IM being punished here. WHen she ended it with him a month ago, she told me straight out that she recognized I had reached my limits and couldnt go further with it. She ended it for me, so to turn around and put me in the penalty box I dont get it.
