WAH and LBW separated and dark

[DumpedforMIL]

So.. what are you ready for?

right now, i'm like jello. the ball is in MY court.
i've been living like the ball was always in his court. if he wanted to reconcile or whatever, it was up to him. now that the ball is in my court, i don't know what to do.

i didn't expect this.

But based on what you have told us.. it seems your marriage was competitive.

Being that way is a part of you.

You choose someone who fueled that.

It got boring and overwhelming for one of you.

Why?

What changed?

maybe that's a 180 that i need to work on.
i realize that i am competitive. squash, trivia, word games, you name it.
it got boring and overwhelming for him because i always came out the winner.
geez, is that why he looked at me and said "oh i can see the gears grinding in your head. you just want to win"?

despite being so competitive, i did not compete for his affections.
i tried to compete for his attention but i kept losing that battle. it frustrated me. but still, i didn't call it quits. i would have kept trying.
i always trusted him. i never accused him of being with someone else.
if someone wanted him and he took the bait, then he can go. i wasn't going to fight for someone who wanted to be with someone else.

Since the beginning this has always been a big part of why you want to make this work. This is what I like. Why are you treating him different than you would a friend? Take away the "relationship". What would you do if this was just a friend?

i haven't treated him any different. at squash, if he wants to play with my friends .. i don't say no. if he was a friend, and i saw that he was singled out by the club members .. i would help him fit in.
but i don't do that for someone who doesn't want to be my friend.

Is this really a bad thing? Have you not known for a while that something needed to change? Why did you not do anything until it was "too late"?

not a bad thing. i didn't want the old marriage. i want a new one.
yes, things had to change. maybe the entire house had to be torn down and needed a complete makeover.
i tried to communicate, tried to be nice to his parents, i still wanted to try. if i didn't, i would have been the WAS. but i wasn't.

Really.. just with him saying "I want out"? Or has it been a slow "loss"?

it has been a slow loss.

Then you have to realize that even if they think you are doing it for another reason.. that does not change your heartfelt motivation. This is important for you to understand. Your value does not change just because they did not respond in the normal way.

it doesn't stop me from doing this. i lead by example - not with words. i don't preach. i take action. people have started to follow my lead. i've seen the changes in people. it's very rewarding.
i brought a lot of that to the marriage. and even though h did not value it, it doesn't stop me from doing it. i know that it's right in my heart. my intentions are good. and therefore, i will continue to do it.

This is your turning point. How long are you willing to wait for someone?

i don't know the answer to that question yet.

How closely do you resemble this person? How much hand holding are you doing now?

i am getting there. i think there are still some areas i need to work on before i can be that person who is ready to jump off the deep end.
i'm still doing a bit of hand holding.

But we want you to be the person that you said you are. Be the person he is losing.

Not the one he wants to run away from.

am i there yet? is he still running away from me? i haven't had a chance to look back yet. i have my head down and i'm just working away on me.

I know you are not there yet.. but you are one step closer than you were 30 days ago. How can you expand on your first 30 days of the "challenge"?

i want to continue to work on my professional development. i want to be financially stable. i want to figure out if there are any 180s that i need to work on. i have been GAL-ing but there's more to it than just GAL.
my goal for squash is to eventually be good enough to participate in a team tournament held in january annually.
i will likely continue taking the baking classes. not right now but later in the fall. i have to keep the changes going and these are things i enjoy doing.

What could you accomplish if you were 2 times better than what you are now?

i hope that i can really start to detach.

Why is the L telling you to do this. Think about it some.

How can you prepare for it?

he understands that i want to reconcile.
he is giving me this opportunity to have a sit down chat with my h.
if it doesn't go well, then i know. i say thank you for your time and walk out and not look back.
if it does, then hopefully things will work out.
the big issue for me is trust. do i trust my h?
i need to learn how to validate.
one of the things i have to keep in mind is that my h tends to bite the hand that feeds him. for example, he'll go off on me about something small. and then later, he'll be asking me for help on something and expecting me to forget that he just tore into me on something silly. this can trigger my anger.
i know you think this is mind reading but i've witnessed this a few times. but i can see him being adamant on being entitled to a portion of my jewellery. and then he'll turn around and ask me not to lay claim on his baseball collection. it's like .. you can't have it both ways. it's a concept he never understood. and i don't know how to get that through to him. i lead by example and not with words. how do i lead by example on that? this is the part of the discussion that i fear. it nearly killed me the first time and to relive it? how would i change things? that's the question.