Need help. My wife moved about about 6 weeks ago to her moms house. We have 3 children (11,6,4). We have been togther for 10 years and married for 8. I am 33 she is 29. I will try and give as much detail and be as truthful as possible. My wife started a affair with a guy who use to work with her. She talked to him on the phone for two weeks. She went to his house and using her terms one thing lead to another and they got too close. They started to have sex, she said it was for about 20 seconds, she stopped got up and dressed and left. 3 days later she meet the guy in a parking lot near her work and said it was a mistake and not to call her again. She told me this a week later and she move out a week after she told me. She went 1 week with no contact and then she started to talk to him again. But this time it was a emotional affair with no contact. They talked and texted alot in two weeks. I found out by it with phone records and confronted her and also left him a message on his voice mail. I told her she had to end the affair in the next day or I would near speak to her again. She copied me on some text to where to sent to him. This was done about 3 days before we started counseling. We have had only 4 sessions to date. When I confronted her about the phones records she changed all of her passwords to voicemail, FB, and cell phones records. The day before conseling she changed the all back and has accounted for her whereabouts at all times. I am 99.9 % sure that the affair is over. It has been completly over for 3 weeks to date.
Before the affair for a few years I had a anger problem. I hate a hard time controlling my mouth. I would criticize a lot. I guess I was contolling. It wasnt done with malice but it was not how a husband should treat a wife. Needless to say I was shocked by my wifes affair, becuase the woman I know was always against that and not that kind of person. She was really a loving wife and great mom. She was a SAHM for most of the time. She took a job at a huge retail store about 2 years ago and has worked her way into managment. She worked a year on 3rd and then 12-9pm for a year,. Thats what she is working now. In the 2 years our problems have really taken off. There was zero quality time. Pretty much she slept until she wnet in and came home and did some chores and laid around until bed. She started sleeping on the couch about the last 5 months. She dies have back issues but I didnt know she was getting distant. Of course when I seen it, I realized and started to reach out but my advances were stone walled. So this went on until the aboved happened.
When I found out the affiar I went to a lawyer the next day. Something hit me in the office and I decided to try and safe the marriage. I think this susprised her. I talked her into a seperation. At this time she was still having a EA on the phone and I didnt know. She said she wanted time to think but she was really on the phone all the time until it was stopped.
So since the 3 weeks since she ended, I have pressured inbetween office visits. My counseling keeps telling me to stop. She has committed to saving the marriage and giving it as long as it needed, but then said she pulled the committment back, then gave it again to only pull it back 2 days ago. The C said I need to stop asking for a commitment and when she wants to give one she will give one, and he also told her to be truthful and have yes mean yes and no mean no.
In summary of our 4 visits basically he has tried to gain her trust and she was not big on counslers but likes this C. They say thats a huge plus. He has been doing it for 35 years and sewars by his method. My issues in the four sessions is, patience, stop trying to control the process, dont say the 1st thing that pops in my head, say the second, do not pressure, he said if I dont pressure our chances go way up, watching mu mouth and yelling. I have not yelled or said a hurtful thing in 6 weeks. I know thats not much but its a start. Her focus so far has been telling me how we got here, honesty, openness in life. We has a 20min convo with our C via phone last night a day after she pulled the commitment as I call it. She said she didnt know why, but she sounded depressed. She said she is frustrated as hell and her life is falling apart and she is at the end of her rope. Again she has said this beofre only to say she will continue to fight but she sounds a little more down. In these last 3 weeks she has spent a tim of time over here. We stayed a week for summer vaction at the beach 2 weeks ago. I forgot durning the last 7 weeks her rings came off and she refuses to say " I love you". But when asked by people if she loves me she says yes, but not like she use too.
She refuses to move back in so we can work on building the "love" back, I know you cant do that apart. I asked what it would take for her to move back and still work on it she said she has to feel more for me than she does right now. My counsler told me to bring a calendar to the next visit so we can put some dates down. Im not sure how thats going to go. I know I got to get her back home to have a good chance at this. She said she is lost and confused. When she moved out she wanted divorce 100% and said there we no chance.
This situation is crazy. Sorry to be long winded but I want the best advice I can get. Durning our call with the C last night he said for a apt on the 5th, she is to make a list of things she wants, I guess he is trying to see what her intentions are. My homework is to not controll the process and ask for commitments on anything.
***since yesterday ****
Things went south today, she seems more fustrated and mad and said today she is 99% sure she wants a divorce. She said all the talking the last few days has pushed her futher away. I have set up a apt with a pastor I knew when I was younger tomorrow at 430pm. Im not sure how much that will help. We are believers but have not been too chruch in a long time. I think if I could get her to slow down and clear her head we could have a chance.
