However you do need to realize that you deserve better than you are getting...
I agree with what Puppy and Coach and the rest have been telling you...
Take a walk, clear your head and set some boundaries...
Go back a couple of pages and see what Puppy told you about accepting that, yes you did at one point agree to this, however now you have changed your mind and don't want to share her with anyone.
(((Hugs)))
Im trying to get to better I guess. I set boundaries with her, told her no contact with this guy. But I cant force that, she could be talking to him as I type for all I know. She isnt a dishonest person, infact sometimes I wish she could be more dishonest. Some of the thigns she has told me int he past I wouldnt say to enemies never mind someone I purport to love. I simply dont get where all this is coming from.
I agreed to it. Completely guilty of that. Changed my mind when I felt pushed out of my marriage. She claims she wasnt doing that, butit was my jealousy that made me unattractive to her. So here we are...me no longer wanting to share her and her wanting me to give her freedom to choose who and what she does. Its a really dark dark place for me to be sitting. Half of me wants to give up and just let her go be free, the other half wants to stay and fight for what I deserve. She isnt my property though, so do I really deserve her?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Good thread. And I know it should be that way. It is something that I have struggled with for months. Just letting go. Letting go of the jealousy and letting her be who ever she is. If she is truly poly then letting go would be the way to go. I know for a fact that love is est when its given freely. I do not understand what is perventing me from doing just that.
I do not understand what is perventing me from doing just that.
Fear.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I do not understand what is perventing me from doing just that.
Fear.
Fear of the truth or fear of being alone or fear of losing at least half of my kids life?
WHich really is the thing I fear the most. I ended my first marriage because it was pretty awful. And I lost out on the details of my kids lives. Sure I saw them as often as I could but all those little things you get from hanging out with your kids ...gone.
If you do it now it is not your fault. I do not endorse divorce, but being essentially cuckhold is not a good option either.
I guess worst come to worst if she wants to leave the relationship dysfunctional, you could always get your own lover, and isolate your life from hers.
The question is what do you want your kids to see as normal?
I agreed to it. Completely guilty of that. Changed my mind when I felt pushed out of my marriage. She claims she wasnt doing that, butit was my jealousy that made me unattractive to her. So here we are...me no longer wanting to share her and her wanting me to give her freedom to choose who and what she does. Its a really dark dark place for me to be sitting. Half of me wants to give up and just let her go be free, the other half wants to stay and fight for what I deserve. She isnt my property though, so do I really deserve her?
Your wife is a freakin' WAW GENIUS! Look it ~ she got you to marry her (companionship, financial support, family facade, hearth and home)and stay married to her while agreeing to leave the door open to do other men when they "flung a craving on her" (southern expression). The genius is she got you to AGREE to that - damn, son - she could sell ice to an Eskimo! So now, when your civilized brain finally makes contact with your daily reality, you SEE that this was an incorrect agreement you entered into...AND YET...she is such a master mind that she has you convinced you can't CHANGE YOUR MIND, FIND YOUR BALLS AND TELL HER "it's ME or THEM" without wondering if you should!
If you want any chance at all of spending the rest of your life with this woman in a committed, monogamous marriage (redundant), then you have to be a Man about it. You say, "W, I made a mistake allowing you to construct an open marriage for us. It's been good for neither you nor I. I have allowed you to dishonor yourself and me, but no longer. You will either commit to therapy for us to heal this gaping wound, or I will divorce you. That is what it will take going forward. This is the shot I'm calling." And if she can't come up with a marriage saving answer, I would walk, buddy, and not look back. You have VALUE!
Don't answer this here - but think about it this way: what if your son's wife asked him to live in the kind of marriage you have had...and he asked you for advice. You would say? Or, what if your daughter wanted to be the kind of wife yours has been? You would tell her?
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
If she is truly poly then letting go would be the way to go. I know for a fact that love is est when its given freely. I do not understand what is perventing me from doing just that.
Poly? What are you talking about? She's not poly - she's a loose woman who does not respect her body. She's a genius - she even found a label for what she does that you will accept. Stop referring to YOUR WIFE as POLY. She is an adulterer. She sleeps around in full view of HER HUSBAND AND PROVIDER AND THE FATHER OF HER CHILDREN. Poly, my a$$. This really chaps me, for a woman to degrade herself and marriage this way.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
If you do it now it is not your fault. I do not endorse divorce, but being essentially cuckhold is not a good option either.
I guess worst come to worst if she wants to leave the relationship dysfunctional, you could always get your own lover, and isolate your life from hers.
The question is what do you want your kids to see as normal?
I am actually considering the lover thing now. It sickens me to think about it. But there it is. I dont know. Most of you guys are dead on about this. I have always known that. Its not that I dont think that the best option probably is divorce, I just am trying to find anything else that will prevent that.
I agreed to it. Completely guilty of that. Changed my mind when I felt pushed out of my marriage. She claims she wasnt doing that, butit was my jealousy that made me unattractive to her. So here we are...me no longer wanting to share her and her wanting me to give her freedom to choose who and what she does. Its a really dark dark place for me to be sitting. Half of me wants to give up and just let her go be free, the other half wants to stay and fight for what I deserve. She isnt my property though, so do I really deserve her?
Your wife is a freakin' WAW GENIUS! Look it ~ she got you to marry her (companionship, financial support, family facade, hearth and home)and stay married to her while agreeing to leave the door open to do other men when they "flung a craving on her" (southern expression). The genius is she got you to AGREE to that - damn, son - she could sell ice to an Eskimo! So now, when your civilized brain finally makes contact with your daily reality, you SEE that this was an incorrect agreement you entered into...AND YET...she is such a master mind that she has you convinced you can't CHANGE YOUR MIND, FIND YOUR BALLS AND TELL HER "it's ME or THEM" without wondering if you should!
If you want any chance at all of spending the rest of your life with this woman in a committed, monogamous marriage (redundant), then you have to be a Man about it. You say, "W, I made a mistake allowing you to construct an open marriage for us. It's been good for neither you nor I. I have allowed you to dishonor yourself and me, but no longer. You will either commit to therapy for us to heal this gaping wound, or I will divorce you. That is what it will take going forward. This is the shot I'm calling." And if she can't come up with a marriage saving answer, I would walk, buddy, and not look back. You have VALUE!
Don't answer this here - but think about it this way: what if your son's wife asked him to live in the kind of marriage you have had...and he asked you for advice. You would say? Or, what if your daughter wanted to be the kind of wife yours has been? You would tell her?
Greek
I kinda wish my father had had some advice for me in this sort of situations. It would ease my mind greatly.
