tired of this

[A_goodman]

Well, yes. I listened. It was funny actually. W had made a comment after the last session about me seeming to dominate most of the talking for the last few sessions, and I had told her that I was totally going to dummy up and let her take it. So when we got in there he goes: “ok who wants to start?” I deferred and she told him I had said what I said. He thought that was curious, so I explained that I had been doing the majority of the growing and wanted to focus more on her. He mentioned that I had really uncovered a lot and he thought I HAD grown a lot. (Thank you guys for the help)

He turned to her and asked what had happened this week. She said that almost all of the anger and resentment that she felt from me had gone over the last week starting the week before. She said: “Actually, it’s like he doesn’t give a [censored] at all anymore.” So I had to reiterate that I actually did care a lot what happened, but that I was in the stage of acceptance of whatever she decides. He asked what that meant and I gave the train example. I told her that I love her, and it would be better for everyone involved if we can work this out, but that I was unwilling to live with her if she didn’t want to be with me.

He then focused on what happened 10 years ago to start her (supposed) unhappiness and “grieving for he loss of our close personal relationship” . She talked about what was going on in our lives and although she couldn’t remember feeling that they were the causes at the time, she surmises that they were. Then he focused on the EA in 07 and what caused that. Again she could not pinpoint what she was feeling at the time, but gave some guesses. Then on to now and what was going on at the outset of this episode. Without writing another book, I’ll say that the causes changed from time to time and now the causes are 180 deg out of phase with the first set of causes. Some things I heard were things that I didn’t know had affected her at all and I felt remorse. But I’m still confused and I said as much. I pointed out that the needs she is claiming were unmet have flip-flopped over time, such that I was acting recently in a way that would have been successful in avoiding her feelings of loss back then and was acting then in a way that would have avoided this. It still doesn’t jibe to me. I said I still haven’t got a good feel for what needs exactly I was failing to meet.

He said: ‘Ok W, what do you need?” So she said the number one thing I don’t give her is emotional honesty. Emotional honesty. She said that she felt that our life together was a sham, because I wasn’t open about my feelings all those years. We’d discussed this last time. Basically, the only feelings I kept from her were the ones that I knew (or suspected) would cause a fight or maybe hurt her feelings. In the session, this was the only time I lost my cool. I didn’t get mad, but I did argue and invalidate her a little. Eventually I got control of myself and went back to listening. OH how close I was to pointing out the irony of her calling me dishonest. But I didn't. That's a victory in itself for the new JoeCool.

So, because I was a Pu$$ for all those years, she felt like our life was a sham. I don’t get it. It does not make any sense, but if that’s it I guess that’s what I go on. So I told her: “well, at least that won’t be a problem any more, since my days as your doormat are over.”

So everything should be golden now right? I’m not holding my breath.

It was almost over at this point. MC is a cleaver guy. He says: “Well ok. The way he is is your chief problem and bein the way you are (to me) has been your way of avoiding anxiety, so it would seem like an incompatible combination, yet you have stayed together for 17 years. There has to be more under the surface that compensates for this. There must be some part of his way that you need or desire. Likewise, there must be some things about W that compensates for this anxety.”

Of course, I added that the anxiety was rapidly disappearing. I don’t think he believes me, but between his theory and Ws opening comment I’d have to go with W on that.

I’m finding it easier to interact with her without having to force a stone face. I can mirror her mood, but I’m just not feeling anything really towards her. It’s like she is just there. I will not pick the rope back up based on anything besides “I love you. I’m sorry for what I did to you and I want to make a happy marriage with you.” but I am happy about all the growth and personal enrichment that’s going on in the mean time.