Hi Ellie, Haven't heard from you in a while, so I thought I'd drop by. I used to like Harrison Ford, he was a hunk who stayed married for a long time. Now his looks are going and he's together with that anorexic poster child.
I think Tom Hanks is in a long time marraige, and also Mike Myers, and of course Paul Newman...
It can happen in Hollywood! If you have a moment want to check out my situation? I think there is slow progress. Take care, S_G
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
Well, that was weird - couldn't log on this morning and the board kept saying my password was incorrect - even though I double checked my original email with the password and it WAS correct. Finally had to apply for a temporary password. Pardon me if I'm a little paranoid after that episode last year where all my threads were mysteriously erased!!!
Had a couple of nice jogs on the beach with h this week - I have to remember how very important athletic companionship is to him and make sure that stays high on my priority list. He's struggling a bit this week - another death - an older guy who was one of the founders of the surf club my H belongs to died in a single-car accident last weekend. And then he learned a professional colleague of his was just diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. All of which feeds into his midlife crisis - okay, not a crisis anymore, more of a midlife reevaluation - and certainly doesn't help his depression. He has been great though about making sure I understand it's not about me and he loves me
Forgot to mention - H and I went out to dinner with a friend last night for her 35th birthday. Dinner party was made up of us, a male (married) friend of H's and coworker of hers (no, nothing going on there, he just has a weird wife who refuses to socialize with any of his "surfer" friends - very sad), the birthday girl's younger half-brother (different dads, same mom - BD girl was raised by the stepdad) the stepdad's trophy wife that he married after divorcing BD girl's mom, and the brother's best friend. BD girl has a good R with her stepmom, but she was definitely an odd, sad thing - super-skinny blonde socialite, somewhere between 45 and 55 I'd guess, looking a bit "hard" and worn for her age, and drunk and hanging all over the stepson and his friend in the most inappropriate way.
When we got home, H intiated a conversation about how twisted the whole thing was and how people just ignore what divorce does to the kids!
Quote: When we got home, H intiated a conversation about how twisted the whole thing was and how people just ignore what divorce does to the kids!
WOW!!! He really is coming out of the tunnel and seeing reality! That is a very impressive comment!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Hi all Things are good here. Just wanted to post about something elsewhere on the board. Wandered onto a thread in the Sex Starved Marriage (just thought I'd check it out - no such problems here anymore ). There's a thread there by LDwife - woman with history of rape in teens, as soon as she married H her drive took a dive,and now she's decided that since her poor starved H sometimes initiates sex in the middle of the night when she's asleep and he's half asleep too, that he's a rapist!
Now, I find this really unsettling - not so much that she's thinking this, it's obvious she is looking desperately for a way to avoid dealing with her own issues because true intimacy would make her vulnerable, so she's shifting the focus onto her H. But I find it quite disturbing how many women are jumping in and agreeing with her that her H has done something horrible!!! I feel sorry for you men!!!
How did this get started, this attitude that normal loving husbands wanting to have sex with their wives could be equated with selfishness or assault just because the W wasn't feeling as horny as the H? I admit, it hits close to home because when i was in the worst of my thyroid problems and exhausted all the time, I sometimes viewed my H's requests for sex as just another demand on my time and energies - poor man!
I guess I'm realizing there is a warped societal support out there for this male-bashing viewpoint, and I want to apologize to all the men here for the weirdness of women!!
Quote: But I find it quite disturbing how many women are jumping in and agreeing with her that her H has done something horrible!!! I feel sorry for you men!!!
People jumping in and agreeing, for the sake of agreeing, is something that's happening more and more on Michele's board. I find it a disturbing trend.
It's disturbing because they actually believe they are helping the individual when all they are doing is taking the discussion into the twilight zone of unreality. They believe they are accomplishing something.
We both saw it with people supporting MacDonald. And it's happening in Johanna's thread over in divorced as well. Not much is getting accomplished in terms of helping the person.
Even more disturbing is that when someone actually does try to bring the discussion back to reality (like moi) we receive emails telling us to back off from some of the agreeers! And the emails are quite threatening! I know I had it happen to me before Xmas. People don't realize that that's happening in the background.
How did this get started, this attitude that normal loving husbands wanting to have sex with their wives could be equated with selfishness or assault just because the W wasn't feeling as horny as the H?
Ellie
Ellie - I went and checked it out and I agree with you.
I posted on there - rape is a violent act. A man who wants to make love to his wife is normal. And I am sure it's hard to keep hearing "no" all the time. I'd said that I maybe have said "no" once to my ex-b. Even if I'm not in the mood, I can get there pretty easily. It's like if I'm not in the mood for chocolate - wave it in front of my face and I'll take it!
She has issues to deal with, but they aren't related to her husband. He isn't the enemy. After the initial first few months, I was actually more HD than my ex-b. I wished that he'd get in the mood as quickly as I did! I probably bugged him too much, instead of just keeping myself attractive (which is what I try to do more now).
She mentioned that they were both seeing a sex therapist. It sounds more like she just needs to deal with the issues of intimacy and then hopefully the sex part will just take care of itself. I can't imagine having to deal with molestation, rape, etc. and then be with a man after that - but it's not her husbands fault.
Yeah, I got a nasty email from Mac too. I don't see it happening all over the board - mostly the Divorced forum, which is kind of understandable - I think that's what Michele was getting at in her forum mission statement, because it really is a place for people who are divorced and moving on. Anybody who still has hope for their M should probably not move there, because there are too many people who are no longer DBing and their advice isn't always helpful to someone who is.
I also notice this on the sexual issues boards - I think because many of the people there aren't actually going through the DB process.
I think what is happening on LDwife's thread, though, is also indicative of a larger societal problem of male-bashing. Somehow it is okay to say things about men that would be considered absurd if you turned them around. What if men were dragging their wives off to counselors and accusing them of rape because their wives tried to give them a BJ in their sleep?
Unfortunately, too, I think that an entire industry has sprung up around issues of victimhood. Not to diminish the horrible thing that happened to LDwife in her teens, but there is a lot of support for remaining a "victim" all of your days - and it conveniently lets you off the hook for any responsibility for your own life. The more you dwell on the bad thing that happened to you in your past, the less you have to take responsibility for not pulling your weight in your present relationships. And women seem to be really prone to this - where, for instance, are all the books and support groups to help men who have been mugged?
dfb - yes, it's sad, because she is making her H the enemy, and by all appearances, he must be a pretty good guy.
And how many of us here slipped into that trap of viewing our spouses as an adversary? I think, when our needs aren't being met, and our expectation is that our S is going to meet all those needs, then disappointment and anger start to set in - and the downward spiral begins. If only people knew how (relatively) easy it can be to set that spiral moving in an upward direction instead! But to do that, you must set aside your own disappointment, focus on your partner's needs, and develop more internal resources so that you are not as dependent on your S meeting your own needs. (BTW - you are sounding great on your thread, dfb )
Before all this crap, when H would inititate ML, I just had the feeling that is was one more thing someone was demanding from me. Of course, I can now see that it was my attitude and frame of mind that was holding me back. And so much here is attitude (as you keep reminding me!). I can see a big part I played in our downfall.
I think the great thing about this board is the differing viewpoints, I think I learn more when someone asks a pointed question instead of agreeing with me. Though there are days when you just need the support. I still remember Soup asking me who I was really angry with about a year ago when I was in a woe is me mood. So, I don't think it is everywhere, the opposition to opposition, just a very vocal minority.
