The "I Still Want to be Friends" Issue

[Jointheclub]

I can so relate especially to Cuccoon. That could be me writing those sentiments.

HOLY TOLEDO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY ARE SOOOOO MANY OF US having the same problems!!!!!!!!!!!! Every reply here could be something I say.

My H moved out April 17 to pursue his A with OW. OW has sordid history - her 2nd A in 5 years both with a married neighbor (1st neighbor down the street) and now my spouse and she was married also. But that first one didn't "count" 'cause she was in a bad marriage and she was "lonely" and my H and her are soulmates. You know, they all have the same script!!!! How uncanny that they all say the same thing.

I allowed him to cake walk for close to 8 months - wouldn't give her up but was deciding what to do meanwhile I tried everything under the sun to "fix" it from Mort Fertel to Larry Bilotta. His started as an EA and I'm positive that if not before he left, it's a PA now.

Anyway, getting off your topic. I also agree it's a struggle to figure how to interact. I worry about my kids and almost everything you read emphasizes that it's in the kids best interest to get along, however, like you, I feel that being nice is basically endorsing his A and his choice for immorality. I'm responsible for my kids' moral upbringing and that OW is not a moral, ethical person and I don't want my kids around her ever and I let him know that. However, I know that legally I can't keep her from them unless she has a criminal record.

My H likes to point out that he does have his kids best interest at heart because rather than showing them that we're living a loveless M, he'll be showing them that you can find "true love". Never mind that this "true love" is a person who we all vacationed with, ate many meals with, socialized with, was my "friend", alledgedly "loves" my girls, shared many events with. NOT!!! What you're showing them is that when the going gets really tough, you run away and find someone else!!!!!! Oh, but I emotionally abandoned him 5 years ago and they didn't mean for it to happen, they never wanted to hurt anyone.

I deserve better, you deserve better, kids are resilient and as long as we model a "loving" relationship and are friends, they'll be fine (huh?) I have tried to be upbeat and polite, but I share as little as possible with him. He's aware of it too. It's very challenging when you have kids. I just don't get it.

People like my H and OW are very selfish. They are completely convinced that what they're doing is right because they were neglected by their respective spouses, everyone deserves to be happy and they still "love" their spouses and want to be friends. Divorce isn't any harder on kids than any other difficult situation unless I plant ideas in their heads. You know so man thinketh, he becometh.

In my case, the kids (according to H) will be fine with OW (her kids will be too) because H and her have remained friends and now that 4 months have passed since he moved out (she left last summer), they're "tired" of hiding each other from the kids. So now, he's going to invite her to do things together with all the kids 'cause after all we used to do lots of things together. We were all friends and he wants to make sure the kids still know that. After all, he's not going to be living with her (yet) and they're not going to be sleeping together (yet) when the kids are around. Ultimately the kids should easily accept her, after all they know her and love her. AND, I better be careful what I say about her 'cause if I'm negative about her, then the kids won't feel like they can be open and honest with me and share their experiences over at H's house. H has every intention of being completely open. So, now it has a very "threatening" feel to it, doesn't it? Give the kids permission to love the OW or else you're going to make life hard for them. huh?

I know I still have lots of resentment and bitterness to let go of. I DON'T GET IT!!!!!! What a sad state of affairs. I'm not looking forward to the day when the kids put two and two together. They may already suspect something.

I hope I haven't hijacked this thread. It's certainly a painful topic when us LBS still love our spouse (NOT the person that appears today, but the one that's suppressed).

Hang in there. You're not alone!!!!!

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Me - 47, H - 47
M - 23.5 , T - 27
DD - 12, DD - 5
H moved out - April 17
OW - 46, divorce to be final sometime in August