Hi NaturallyBlessed! thanks for posting! Sorry to see you are on here, but hang in there... i've made some great friends along the way, and having my DB supports is extremely helpful! My S was born on July 6... was your daughter born around then too?!
H went home several nights ago, says he needs to rest and sleep nights to prepare for his boards... whatever. I sort of started it with asking why was he here and how long he planned to stay etc, and he decided it was best. now he says after the boards he may come back, but i am not sure i want that. in order for H to come back i need to see that he is 100% dedicated to working on our M, which means MC!!! (he seems to keep bringing up that he DID want to go back in may, but I backed out... whatever).
Me and the baby boy are doing just great! Love him! H comes over 2 or 3 times a day to spend with his son, and rocks him to sleep or helps with things around the house. We even have dinner together some nights still. Baby is pretty much on a schedule and H plans according to the times when S will be eating etc. ive been more with okay that H is not here living here. It was confusing me... still is i guess.
Anyways, yesterday was H's bday. I asked the day before if the baby and I could have lunch with him (casual place) and he said he would let me know. Hours later sent me a text and said can the baby go to lunch tomorrow? I replied, sure where should I drop him off... he wrote back, very funny, i want you there too.
So we met for lunch, and when i saw him i wished him a happy bday and he said that;s it... no hug or anything? i've been acting cool and collected (so i think) and i think H is noticing... So he opened his arms and I hugged him... boy did it feel good! it was a heartfelt long hug... i let go first! lunch was great... and the baby slept the entire time! We strolled a few blocks and then i went back home, and H to study. He stopped by last night on his way home, i baked him a cake (a boxed cake ) and had candles on there. When he saw the cake, he looked like he was choked up and smiled from ear to ear. Said i cant believe you did this for me... you should be resting, but i love it. We sang... me, the baby and the dog too and he blew out his candles... if only i could know what he wished for. We ate cake together, after he put baby in the cradle and we just talked. I had a small book made with 25 or so photos of him and the baby from birth and gaveit to him as his gift. his face was red and looked like he had tears in his eyes. he repeated over and over how much he loved it and how it was just an awesome gift, etc. yeah... I know!
Sent me a text before he went to bed thanking me for everything... oh yeah! when he opened his gift, he came over to kiss me thank you on the cheek... and when he left, he did the same... kind of strange... but sweet.
Couple of things... -he send me texts and calls me throught the entire day! -takes boards on thursday and then he has no "studying" -starts his job about 1 week later -at lunch we talked about our girl names we wanted for the baby if it was a girl, and he talked as if we were having more children together... i wish i could record this stuff, i sometimes think i make it up! -next friday is my bday, lets see what happens, although i dont want him extending himself to me, if as only friends... do i say something? -in order for H to move back home, he MUST want to work on our M. If not there is no reason for him to be here. I need to adjust to life as a single mom, and can not get used to him living here then leaving me again.
Why is my sitch totally insane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No one except for our parents (and my sisters) know that H is back at his parents... A) he makes it sound like he only went back to regain focus for his boards B) says he is coming back C) my mom thinks he is thoroughly confused and hates having to explain things to people and says its our business!
My one sister expressed that she is sad but happy H moved back home... only bc it would show him what D life is like, and so that i dont get used to him... although she said she wishes he would go to MC.
Funny: my mom sent H a text for his Bday yesterday, instead of calling him, said she wants him to see that my family will be different with him since we are not together... she thinks he needs to see that his entire will be different if we go down this path! hahaha You go mom!
She was however happy i made the cake and said i should be myself and let him see what he gave up and is missing out on!
Still looking good, BD. Keep working on you, focussing on your beautiful baby to get you through this time. I am worried that your WH will be just as busy when he starts his new job?
1)calm and collected--and not as affectionate- a 180 that he noticed! 2)you tugged at his heart strings and showed him some of your best qualities by baking him a cake (heh heh- and he could eat it too! j/k had to say it!) and giving him a photo book
This is good because it is planting seeds and showing how amazing and thoughtful you are...increasing your value...and massaging his ego!
3)and now retreat so he can miss you and think of you!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Piano, I think he will definitely be a lot busier once he starts working. Plus he will finally be making $$$ so he will eventually be busy with getting his own place and going out with friends and may get the confidence to start dating. I don't hink its going to get better. I think this is it.
Sucks for him because right now he works his days around the baby but soon enough he won't have time for the baby either.
NM. I did those things because its just how I am, and yes I didn't hold back because I want him to see how great he had it with me. He just doesn't care. I think H is content with the life he created. Most of the time, I truly don't care and just feel sorry for his stupid mistakes and think he is extremely selfish. Some moments, I just miss him, but quickly realize that, that life is long gone, and I look at my son and think H is so stupid for having left. His loss!
Little guy is sleeping! I think I should go lie down too! I'm sleepy!
I am retreating. Not just trying but doing so. When H comes over, I leave the room, and keep myself busy. He often times will follow me into the other rooms. But honestly just trying to prepare myself for my life as a divorced single mom. I can do it. I'm not scared anymore.
I admire your strength. Being who you are is essential I think. We so easily lose sight of ourselves, and you're doing an excellent job of maintaining your goals with your relationship. I also think that if things don't work out, you'll find ways to keep involving your H in the kid's lives. Bravo.
Keep your expectations where they are, and you'll be fine. If he comes around, you win the lottery. If not, your life is going just fine.
Again, it's weird how similar our sitches are right now.
I personally think that what helped push my WH to counseling was my strong line that I wouldn't be friends with him if we weren't a couple. So I also pulled away into different rooms, etc, when he came over. And I think it helped. It's still good though to do things like what you did for his birthday.
It's like you put on a black cover over your whole body (pulling away) but then flash your leg or your shoulder or your eye here and there. I think it works for gals like us.
(I have to laugh at myself for a moment-- strong line, ha! You guys know how I wavered in implementation. But I really tried. That's my point.)
Keep it up!
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
It's like you put on a black cover over your whole body (pulling away) but then flash your leg or your shoulder or your eye here and there. I think it works for gals like us.
Ha! Sounds right, G!
BD, would you consider doing a 'can't be friends'? I think your son has made you really strong! I can read it in your posts! Children are fantastic for grounding us in the 'here and now' aren't they, and our WH's selfishness (if that's what it is) is rendered all the more... unattractive. They lose!
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
) and had candles on there. When he saw the cake, he looked like he was choked up and smiled from ear to ear. Said i cant believe you did this for me... you should be resting, but i love it. We sang... me, the baby and the dog too and he blew out his candles... if only i could know what he wished for. We ate cake together, after he put baby in the cradle and we just talked. I had a small book made with 25 or so photos of him and the baby from birth and gaveit to him as his gift. his face was red and looked like he had tears in his eyes. he repeated over and over how much he loved it and how it was just an awesome gift, etc. yeah... I know! 