She said she doesn't want to try to reconcile until I am no longer angry over what happened. Is this reasonable?
It is HER feelings, Future, so -- by definition -- they are reasonable.
But I know what you're saying. I think it's REASONABLE, for her to not want to remain married if she believes you are going to be forever angry about what she did, and lord it over her head every step of the way, YES, I think that's reasonable.
What YOU need to offer her is, a COMPETING VISION for the rest of your marriage. One where you honestly (and vulnerably) admit that YES, you are angry now, but that -- with some good MC/FT, preferably with someone who specializes in infidelity, you believe you two can not only get PAST this, but come out of it with a better marriage than ever before. That YOU have changed, and are working hard to become a better Future, and that you see HOPE if the two of you will commit to the PROCESS.
Validate her fears, FU. HEAR them. And own up to how angry you are right now, but then offer her up a hopeful future with Future, if she'll allow the two of you that chance.
But then shut up. I wouldn't "oversell" her on that. I'd tell her all of that exactly ONCE . . . if it were me.
