I wouldn't under normal circumstances say this but where are your balls? (Don't read this Puppy)
Originally Posted By: azrob
Having it rubbed in my face for a couple years sucked.
Of course it sucked however you allowed it to happen, where is your self-worth?
From the little bit you have posted, she doesn't love you without question...She loves you as long as you are willing to be the good little husband, to let her sleep with whomever she wants and to not say a word.
The correct terminology for that is "doormat".
Time to get you junk out of her purse and stand up for yourself...Set boundaries for YOU, not her.
Well, again, I have done that. I forced the end of the relationship. I told her I wouldnt be party to that anymore that it was destructive. Again, its not a question of self esteem and all that. Its a question of now that I have pushed him out, how to I hang in there until whatever BS she is going through now can pass.
I know my situation is crappy. I wouldnt be here if it was polyanna. Im hoping that you guys can give me some direction other then toss the bitch out. Which seems to be the cresendo here.
You will be surprised how much confidence and sense of security you will have restored into you when you have a real relationship partner.
What you are going to have to be careful going forward is you cannot project what your wife did to you onto the new lady. Your projection can cause her to lose trust, and then the relationship gets out of wack like it is today.
You don't have trust with her.
Marriage is a partnership.
Marriage is a trust.
Among other things.
As coach says, if she is unworthy of trust today and is comfortable with her actions - why should she change?
No, actually, my dear Serenity, the correct terminology in THIS case is "cuckold."
(Sorry, I read it).
Puppy
heh.
Dont think I havent brought that up in the course of this. It was one of the reasons she finally ended with him because she recognized what she was doing was killing me.
You will be surprised how much confidence and sense of security you will have restored into you when you have a real relationship partner.
What you are going to have to be careful going forward is you cannot project what your wife did to you onto the new lady. Your projection can cause her to lose trust, and then the relationship gets out of wack like it is today.
You don't have trust with her.
Marriage is a partnership.
Marriage is a trust.
Among other things.
As coach says, if she is unworthy of trust today and is comfortable with her actions - why should she change?
I guess. I dont know. I dont expect her to change who she is. But since we really arent animals I do expect her to change her actions. I guess im screwed here. I was really hoping for some advise but Im seeing the trend from everyone here.
Im hoping that you guys can give me some direction other then toss the bitch out.
OK, how about you sit her down, and say "I know I told you I was okay with this lifestyle, butI have changed my mind. I want to be married to you, in every full sense of the word, including being monogamous with each other. This was a horrible, horrible mistake, and now our kids, unfortunately, are going to pay the price if we can't work this out in a way that works for both of us.
I have decided that, moving forward, monogamy is, for me, a dealbreaker. Will you join me, end the swinging, and go to marriage counseling with me maybe with someone who specializes in this area, and give it some length of time -- maybe six months, or a year -- and see if we can work this out? For the sake of our shared history together, and for the kids?"
Then I guess you'll at least have your answer.
I do see the challenge here, and that is -- as Serenity correctly pointed out above -- you DID mostly sign on for this lifestyle. And now you're changing your mind. It seems to me that you need to ACKNOWLEDGE that, the curveball you've thrown her, and at least SEE if she'll work at a monogamous marriage together with you.
You said you're a one woman kind of guy. Typically, that means you desire to be with a one-man kind of woman.
You've fooled yourself into thinking this is OK. Obviously, it's not with you.
I believe you when you say she doesn't want to divorce. Of course not! She gets everything she wants and has to give nothing back! Nothing, I say? Yes, I said that. Think about it really hard.
So, make your boundaries (again, Monogomy). Be clear that she needs to leave if she does not honor them. You will accept no alternative. You respect yourself too much to continue a life like this.
Start gathering evidence now. She is honestly a serial adultress. That does not look favorably to anyone.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
I was really hoping for some advise but Im seeing the trend from everyone here.
You are getting (free) advice. The advice is resoundingly telling you to respect yourself more and not tollerate open disrespect anymore. If the marriage ends because you cannot get the kind of commitment you'd find in... say a... marriage, then be prepared to walk away.
She knows she can push you around, and she has done so for years, so the prospects aren't good.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
You will be surprised how much confidence and sense of security you will have restored into you when you have a real relationship partner.
What you are going to have to be careful going forward is you cannot project what your wife did to you onto the new lady. Your projection can cause her to lose trust, and then the relationship gets out of wack like it is today.
You don't have trust with her.
Marriage is a partnership.
Marriage is a trust.
Among other things.
As coach says, if she is unworthy of trust today and is comfortable with her actions - why should she change?
I guess. I dont know. I dont expect her to change who she is. But since we really arent animals I do expect her to change her actions. I guess im screwed here. I was really hoping for some advise but Im seeing the trend from everyone here.
Humans, can and DO change. We have to change in many cases or we can end up dead or in jail for example. People can change WHO they are as well ( as in what their priorities are in life )...
IN your case, she HAS to WANT to change. She has to believe that she wants to change.
Looking forward there are a great many people who will take you exactly as you are, and value you.
What your wife is doing to you, what many of OUR spouses are doing to us, devalue us.
azrob, the best advice I can give you is to see a therapist/mc on your own to sort through all this. It is VERY complicated. He/she may give you better insight and a plan.
Personally, I would let this one go and I would run the other way. I can also 'understand' you want to stay married but I don't see any benefit in it for you.
OK, how about you sit her down, and say "I know I told you I was okay with this lifestyle, butI have changed my mind. I want to be married to you, in every full sense of the word, including being monogamous with each other. This was a horrible, horrible mistake, and now our kids, unfortunately, are going to pay the price if we can't work this out in a way that works for both of us.
Okay. I have done just this. I have taken my responsiblity for agreeing to this. I did consent to trying this and when I realized I couldnt move forward with things pushed her and it to make changes. She sys she wants to be married to me and losing me would be just as horrible to her as losing him has been. She is willing to try monogamy again fully and she wants to keep things together for the family. But she also says she loves me. (You know that song, I love you iM not in love withyou).
I have decided that, moving forward, monogamy is, for me, a dealbreaker. Will you join me, end the swinging, and go to marriage counseling with me maybe with someone who specializes in this area, and give it some length of time -- maybe six months, or a year -- and see if we can work this out? For the sake of our shared history together, and for the kids?"
It is a dealbreaker. And I have let her know that in no uncertain terms now. When she first ended things with him I told her that I thought that wasnt the way to go and we could compromise. But between her actions since the break up and his (he told me all along he would back off if they broke up but didnt for almost 3 weeks) I know now that there is no compromise its me or him. ANd she is pissed that I made her choose.
Then I guess you'll at least have your answer.
She is trying to do this. But she is also hurting from the loss of her "six year relationship". So Im really unsure how to go about this.
I do see the challenge here, and that is -- as Serenity correctly pointed out above -- you DID mostly sign on for this lifestyle. And now you're changing your mind. It seems to me that you need to ACKNOWLEDGE that, the curveball you've thrown her, and at least SEE if she'll work at a monogamous marriage together with you.
Very very guilty of throwing the curveball because I told her we could try this. ANd it was my inabilty to handle her falling so hard for this other guy that has caused all the rancor. I get that.
But she says she ended it for me. But has put me in the penalty box, and IM not handling that well at all.
