me? i know a little bit about drinking, cheating and killing snakes and sometimes i write in metaphors and sometimes i try and give you a glimpse of what might be going on in their minds. but that goes over as well as the metaphors.
I hope I someday find the success you have in my R with my W. I keep positive, but I have not tried to do anything, but detach and focus on the kids and me lately.
And THAT is all YOU can do.
My point was and is, currently in your situation which is young in it's unfolding, is that yes, 95% of the time your W's attitude towards you will not be that great, and at times be even down right nasty if you (generally speaking as the LBS) continue to do the things that don't work. The saving grace, of which I am learning from my own former WAW is what you do with that 5% of the time when she sees you as the you she once loved whole heartedly. That one occassion I acted upon, if I hadn't, I probably might not be where I am now. We had that 'usual discussion' of her "wanting to be friends", to "possibly start feeling something again", yet still tra-lala around town with OM. And as always, I stood my ground and my boundry and told her what I ahd always time and time again, 'I refuse to be "friends" with MY WIFE whom goes 'home' to someone else at the end of the day".
And, in her state of mind at the time, she could understand what I was saying, but she dug herself so deep in a hole with that, she didn't know what to do. I was no longer there as her safety rope. I cut her off at the knees financialy. I kicked her out of the house to go live with her OM. I gave her what she "wanted", me out of her life, and I re-enforced that time and time again. She wanted out of that hole, but she wasn't sure the M would ever work again, she knew she still loved me, not him, but, "what to do?". And at the end of that conversation, her face screamed it, and she was legitamately weepy eyed as our eyes connected and felt each other internally as she said she was leaving. When she slowly walked past me, I grabbed her forearm (gently of course) and held out my other hand gesturing a hug is "ok", and she embrassed it (hard) for that 5 long hard mintues and cried on my shoulder.
Today, 9 months later, I ask her as I had then, "what was that all about?" "If you were with him, why did you hold on so hard or long?". Today I get the answer that she knew, when she walked out that door afterward, the moment would NEVER happen again. But it gave her hope that someday I would forgive and understand her and why she was where she was at the time.
Someone commented that for the WAS, when the moment comes where they want to come back, it becomes a hard decision for all the very same fears the instilled upon the LBS, rejection, humility, loss of self worth, possible retaliation from the LBS causing extreme insecurity, just to tip the ice berg. And I can say, from the lips of my (x)W, this is ever so true. She has learned her lesson. She has pained herself more than ANYONE direct or remotely involved with the situation. Thus, I need not have any fear of her straying again. In the irony of it all, she is afraid that one day I might just up and leave my darn self.
And here is where the heart and sole of investment in a true reconcilliation comes in:
Would I leave her? Would I leave her after everything I lost? Our home, my family, her family, darn near every friend we had, the financial fallout, the damage to our children's lives forever? Would I leave her? No. Why? She has my utter most RESPECT to own up for all the things she has done and have the courage to do what is right, and approach me, expecting me to tell her to go to h,e double hockey sticks, and ask for the opportunity to have everything back she swore she despised. All because, I took that opportuinty, for that 5% to let her know in the smallest of ways, if she undid the wrongs she had, she could have that opportunity.
"Success"?
Yes, in the terms that we are together. Yes, in the terms that we understand each other in ways we never understood. Yes, in the terms we each as individuals understand oursevles more than we ever have. Yes, in the terms our love for each other will NEVER be taken for granted again.
But, it comes with a price. As said, all that we had lost. No more family holidays to date. We tried a family Christmas dinner with my family, absolute disaster and will probably never happen again. Her family is entirely disbanded from each other. Our children whom are teens shaking and crying in fear when the slightest disagreement gets loud.
So, with that long winded post, whoever wants to try and tell me that WAS's have ZERO feelings, probably made them that way. Sieze the little opportunity you can.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
My day is already starting off bad. A position I interviewed for went to another candidate with a little more experience than me. I cannot catch a break on anything. I try to be positive, but I am very disappointed by what happened. I did so good during the interview, and I lost out again. This does not help me right now.
I am having trouble still with having an attorney when I thought the attorney would help me, but they want more money than I have to pay them. I am just having one of those day. Any ideas how to get more money quickly? Just being retorical here.
I just need to express my disappointment here to get it out of my system and move on.
I just need some good luck someday.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
My day is already starting off bad. A position I interviewed for went to another candidate with a little more experience than me. I cannot catch a break on anything. I try to be positive, but I am very disappointed by what happened. I did so good during the interview, and I lost out again. This does not help me right now.
LSG, It's just a setback. Keep pluggin, there is something else to try.
"When there is no wind, row."
You can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I was just talking to my Mom, and I started crying. I am trying to be strong, but I worry about losing my kids. That is all I am thinking about. The sinerios that one attorney told me do not sound very good to me. Even if I would to get joint custody of the kids, I will not have enough money to live anywhere with spousal and child support. I will still lose the kids because I will not a place for them or me.
I try to be a good person and do the right things, but I keep getting shot down. I just am venting now. I
I guess I will accept what will happen in my sitch.
I tried not to let the kids see me cry, but I could not hold the tears back enough to make it to the bathroom.
I love them so much.
I have to be strong for them. They need a father in their life, and I have to find a way to make sure they always do.
Thank you so much everyone for being here for me!!! Without all of you, I don't how I would be able to deal with everything.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
I try to be a good person and do the right things, but I keep getting shot down.
Your job is to keep getting back up. Nobody can take that from you. One of my favorite DBers had a expression his Dad taught him, "Tough times don't last but tough people do." He passed it along to his boys. You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
