Hi I’m new here and have been reading the threads for awhile. I’ve never done anything like this so; please excuse any mistake I may make. I’m also very technologically challenged.
I really need some advice and guidance from someone who has been cheated on and lied to so many times and is now working on saving the marriage with the cooperation of the spouse, preferably from the wife’s point of view but I’ll take any help.
I’ll try to keep it short: My H is in a supervisor position in state law enforcement. He is currently on a promotion list for a higher rank. This is his second time on the list as on the last one nothing close to home came up. He also didn’t score as high on the list as he had hoped. He has been at his current location for about 5 years. It is about an hour and 15 min. drive both ways. He chose this location because he could have the days off, (Fri., Sat., and Sun.)And hours he wanted, (day’s aprx. 5:45am to 3:30am.)
In mid February my H (47turning 48 in about a month) started taking a co-worker (She is,27 just about 2 years older than his daughter!) out to lunches/breakfasts and casual talking, with occasional text messages. In mid March he went to training in a city a little farther north of his field office. He went out with some of his classmates, when she showed up and that is when the physical affair occurred. (He led me to believe at first the affair was not physical, lie number 1.) A one night stand he swears. After that they began to talk more and the texts became more frequent. Then the texts began to get nasty, and he says while he felt uncomfortable at first he went along with it. Then the texts turned into discussing sex acts and he found himself enjoying it. He said it was addicting and couldn’t stop. He said as they progressed they became; he guesses what you would call fantasies. They wrote some love letters based on these fantasies, (He says he never loved her, but I think I remember him telling me he told her he loved her in the letters based on the fantasies.) This went on until sometime in May and says he tried to justifie it was okay since the physical part was not there, even though he knew it was wrong. During this time he said he got so wound up and confused in his emotional thoughts that seemed exciting, that he thought about leaving me. It was around this time that he thinks he started to treat me bad, for which he has apologized profusely. He says I’ve never been anything but good to him and did not deserve that. (During this time I didn’t know what was wrong with him; he was cold and distant and hardly touched me. I suspected an affair or that he didn’t love me anymore. I never confronted him on the affair; I just didn’t think he would ever do something like that.) It was also during this time he bought her a friendship ring. Worth about $200 with sapphires, (our birthstones!) He said one day he and some coworkers called in sick and went to the coast and she was with him. They went to the mall and to a movie in a near by city over a period of 2 months. Also around this time he told me a coworker needed to borrow $500 for a rent deposit till they got paid on the first of the month. I felt this was very odd as he has lent money before very reluctantly, to a very good friend and said he would never do it again. He also said he might go and help him move one weekend. Again I felt uncomfortable about this so I told our 18 year old son he should go and help him. He then started to changed his mind and as far as I know never went. When it came time to repay the loan he went and met him halfway. Well you can guess it was the OW but I didn’t find this out till later, (Another lie or half truth.) Around the middle of May he says something hit him like a ton of bricks, “What the hell was I doing, I don’t love this woman?” He started to cut things off and says he can not tell me why he didn’t stop immediately, other than she said to him more than once something like “I will not let go” and “What if you get caught or your wife finds out?” He got scared and did not want to get caught, and did not want to lose me. He agreed to stay friends, (He later told me he was afraid she would try to contact me so, he stayed friends so as not to upset her.), and stopped the sex talk, for the most part. The eating out slowed down but still continued on occasion. Things started getting bad at work while all this was going on and he became a total mess. It was around this time I talked to him while he was on his way to work, about what was wrong. He told me it was work and he didn’t know what was wrong with him and he couldn’t talk about it right now. He wanted so bad to reach out to me but didn’t know how and did not want to ruin our son’s graduation. Days after the graduation,(June 16th), he finally talked to me. He says in essence he was trying to reach out to me, but it came out all wrong. (He told me he loved me and that I was his best friend but that the passion, the spark was gone and he didn’t know where or if it would come back. I was devastated! I’m 49 turning 50 in about two months and have been a stay at home mom since before our son was born.) I asked what does this mean does he want a divorce? He said he hadn’t thought that far and needed time to think. He says he never said he wanted a divorce but that is not what I remember. In fact he made me feel he was thinking about it. We did have a Sex Starved Marriage. I asked if there was anybody else he said no. (Another lie.) I asked if he was having an affair he said no that he made me a promise and wouldn’t do that to me. (Obviously another lie). He was very adamant about it. He left me feeling he was considering ending our marriage and made me feel it was my entire fault. I did a complete 180 and started to be more loving and initiate sex more often. I opened my heart and soul to him and things started to change. After this conversation is when I found the SSM book and read it as fast as I could and totally saw our situation.
After out talk he says the meeting and eating out became even less, though it did occur, and he thought he was close to making things go away. At the beginning of July he took part of a day off and went to a motel room to try to figure things out as he felt like he was drowning. He felt like things would work out and would just go away ant that we were getting back to our normal relationship. Then I hit him with all the questions, (July 15th), and he was not immediately honest with me and kept adding little bits and pieces. I didn’t immediately ask many questions on June 16th as it seemed to upset him but I felt I needed to know just what I was up against and find out where I stood. And I felt it was preventing me from healing and moving on. I kept telling him to be honest and tell me everything. After our talk that night, (July 15th) things just weren’t adding up to me so, while we were cuddling in bed, (July 16th) trying to reconnect, I asked more detailed questions. I told him I looked in his wallet, (I know that’s wrong.) and saw a receipt for a restaurant a couple of days earlier when he was at work and the total was $33. (I had asked him what he had for dinner that night and he told me and I asked if he ate alone and he had said yes, another lie.) He started to get upset and then finally admitted he had eaten with her and then everything else spilled out. The affair and a few other little lies. Finally, he was able to shut her out completely. He says he is so sorry! He hurts inside because he hurt me so much and for what? He says I never deserved any of it. He says he loves me so much and knows we can rebuild our relationship that he will do whatever it takes. He can’t imagine his life without me in it; and doesn’t know what he would do!
So, you say what’s the problem; you got your H back and he wants to save the marriage? The problem is I’m in so much pain. I don’t know if I can ever get over it. The lies, deceit, the affair. Do I still love him and want to save the marriage, yes. But how long does the hurt last, I can’t get the image of them out of my mind. And now that I had started approaching him for intimacy it has awakened something in me. I want to be with him sexual but can’t bring myself to do it. He hasn’t tried; I know he’s waiting for me, in fact I told him I want to but can’t bring myself to because of all that has happened. He says he is happy just to hold me again and that if that’s all I want to do from now on it’s ok with him. I told him that’s what started all this mess in the first place! We’ve already seen a counselor, (July 20th) he wanted to start right away. How do I get over this! I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, that there is still more he's not telling me even though he says he's now told me everything. I know MWD says you need to forgive but, that doesn't mean you forget, that that will happen in time. But how do you forget, or try to move on because how can you really forget? Please if anybody has advice I would greatly appreciate it! It’s been about a week since everything came out. I’ve had some good days and am trying to put on a happy face but it’s so hard. I’m afraid he’s going to lose patience even thought he says it will never happen again and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
I've never been in your shoes and wouldn't presume to give you specific advice, but you sound like you're not very sure of yourself right now. I don't blame you. I wouldn't be, either, in your situation.
You will not get over it quickly if you get over it. You and he should both expect it to take a long time.
I think you're smart to assume that he's not telling you the whole truth. He's likely ashamed of what he's done and afraid of what you're going to decide in the end, and that means that even if he wants the best things for your marriage he might still hide some things. It's good that he wants to go to a counselor, but what did you think of the counselor? They're not all created equal and this forum is full of people who regret going to a marriage counselor who saw it as their job to keep a divorce amicable rather than to help save a marriage. If you're not comfortable with the counselor, don't be afraid to find one you prefer and tell your husband you want to go there. Counselors are professionals who work for you at your pleasure, no different than a roofer or a plumber.
My guess is that a week after you found out what was going on, it's perfectly normal if you're still reeling and hurt and feel like you can never forgive. I would try to concentrate on soothing yourself and doing each step in your process; try your best not to think about whether the whole process will work for now and just do the next step. And come back here and vent whenever you need to . . .
I feel your pain, Im the husband of a waw. I'm 36 she is 24 and guess what she left me for a cop.. But I still want answers, she came up to me on the 8th of June I love you but not in love with you anymore and not happy. Reason was we moved to much wanted more stability. I said we can fix that. She came and went several times and that is how I found the texts,emails etc. When I confronted her she said she was giving me 2 weeks well that didnt last a week, she walked away on fathers day with my two little kids, filing for divorce and a restraining order to boot. (we never argued nor fought nothing) I'm only assusiming the cop buddy helped her con this up just to keep me at bay. It was like she was fine on the 7th and just flipped a switch the 8th, not the women I knew or think I know. I hurt so much cause she is holding my kids over my head and that RO. I just want answers.
I would give a million bucks to save my marriage but how my luck goes I'm sure it is done. Just waiting for the judge to review everything. I have custody of my 4 older kids from a previous relationship of 13 yrs and I work in a public school system. So I think I'm a fit father. I just found this forum not to long ago and reading and trying to understand things.
It will take time for you to heal and trust again. Keep up the counseling dont be shy in those sessions. Most people been telling me just leave her alone let her go or screw her and not in the good way. But I was so much in love and thought we were bf's. I still say I would never seen this a coming.
So keep your head up, keep up counseling keep loving him or trying too. Remember we are all human and all make mistakes a time or two. I'm sorry he got caught up in the hype of the 27 y/o but I was there and know ow he was thinking and it was not with the right part..
Good luck too you
Mark
Me 36 WAW 24 S 4 D 2(My Kids/her step kids) S15,D14,S10,D11 Love you but not in love with you 6/8/2010 Left/Bomb 6/20/2010 D filed 6/23/2010 M 4 T 5 1/2
Thanks Silly Old Bear I think I needed to hear that. He kind of makes me feel he wants this all to work out like yesterday and move on. He also won't answer any more questions I have to clarify things saying it does more harm than good. Like the night of the affair what were you thinking? It just happened he says. I said how do you get from point A to B? What, was there a bed at the place your were at and just fell into it? I asked if he used something? He said yes a condom. I said you had one!? He said SHE had one! What does that tell you? She, or they both, had it all planned as far as I'm concerned!
As for the counselor, so far he seems okay. He asked if we were committed to the marriage. We go back on the 29th. Our assignment till then is my H is supposed to let me vent on him and tell him how much he hurt me a couple of times and he is to sit there and take it. And I'm to give him 2 to 3 things he can do or say to reassure me. We are also come up with a time to stop reliving the past and move forward. I'll have to see what happens then.
Okay, I had a pretty good day yesterday, went out and did errands and lunch with H and son. Forgot all about affair and lies, till the afternoon. H is working graveyard shift and called to say promotion he has hoping for didn't come through. This would have brought him to the field office here in town. We were both hoping this would happen,(OW works in the same office but different building.)so he could get away from there.
H was very upset because he's been trying to get at least closer to home and also because this is his second time on the list and the current list is going to run out at the end of the year. There will only be a couple of more offers coming out before then. It brought all my fears and pain about the affair/OW back. Told him want him to put in for a transfer here and surrounding towns. IF there is any openings the soonest it would happen is not till November. This would mean he would be low man on the totem pole and not get the shifts and days off he wants. So, while I'm glad I made my feelings and concerns know and asserted myself and told him what I want I'm feeling a little guilty. He also seemed a little upset about it, not that it would take him away from the OW, he has promised that is over and is totally committed to me and our marriage but because his stupid mistake has caused all this mess.
Did I do the right thing? I just can't stand it every time he leaves for work knowing SHE'S there.
OW found out H put in transfer called him last night at his desk in office,(He said he blocked her number on his phone). Said he told her it was none of her business. She asked if it was because of her, H said YES! and restated to her that he wants to work on and is committed to his marriage, reminded her no contact means no contact! Said she didn't understand why he has to leave, told her he just wants to get out of there! He was upset when he called and said he just wanted to hear my voice. I asked if he needed to hear my voice because he was being tempted? Adamantly said No! We had good talk. We go to our next MC appointment today. Hope things keep getting better.
Mommacat- I feel your pain. I am dealing with a year of lies, he has got caught in all of them and even if people think its wrong to snoop, im glad I did cause now i know the truth. I confront him on all of it, but how do i forgive him. This has been going on.. i say the worst of it from june 27th when i found everything out.. adn i mean everything. Pictures a go phone to make phonecalls, phone records. Thing is there hasnt been a physical relationship with any of them.. but the intentions and lying hurt me so bad.. I dont know honestly if i love him or if im in love with the idea of what i thought he was.I am newly married so you can see where that confusion is. Every day is a stuggle for me. Every day I dont know if i can look at him. I wish i had advice for you, i wish i could tell you that it will get better.. It will but i have no idea if it gets better with them or without. I wish you the most luck. Oh, and waht i found helped a little was watching Fireproof (if your religious). It is definately a motivator to help make things work. Good luck.
Went to the MC Thursday and things went okay. I opened up about wanting to be intimate but just can't seem to do it and asked how do I work towards that? MC said it's completely natural to feel that way and said to take Intercourse off the table, everything else was okay if that is what I want. I'm also to continue venting to H if necessary. I have a hard time doing that, I'm the kind of person that thinks of everyone else before myself. While it does make me feel a little better to get things off my chest I see how much pain it causes him, so tend to avoid doing it. MC said its time for me to think of me and not everyone else, take care of me. When H was asked how was he doing and other questions, he was pretty quiet, didn't talk much.
Later H told me he was depressed most of the day and has been for the last couple of days, (Since OW called him.) that he just wants it to go away and her to leave him alone that he is going through emotions too. I can't think about HIS emotions right now he'll have to deal with the choices he made himself. I'm still having a hard time with the lies, betrayal and broken trust. I know I have to forgive but, just can't get past all of it. I mean how could he do this to me? I never thought he would do something like this especially since he knew in my first marriage my ex did the same thing and how hurt I was and he even went through something similar in his first marriage. I know all the books and my own MC says they acted on emotions and to learn from the mistakes to make sure that it doesn't happen again or something like that but, that just doesn't work for me. I want to stay in my marriage and I do love him but I just don't know if I can ever forgive him or am I mixing up forgetting and forgiving. I just don't know. Maybe I'm just expecting too much too soon.
Please, anybody out there who has been the one betrayed and worked through their marriage like am now please tell me how you did it. I really need to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. How do you forgive and how do you become intimate again especially when that part of the relationship was reawaken again before the affair was revealed and all the lies.
I didn't think to ask, even though my H is totally committed to working things out; open to questions, has been letting me know if OW contacts him, closed his facebook and usually tells me who calls/texts on his cell phone, should I have insisted he give me passwords and access to his laptop and cell phone? There has been so many lies and deception in the past I have no trust anymore and he understands that but I never thought to do any of that.
Well, I guess my questions are not that important compared to so many of the others I've read here so, I'll just sign off for now. Thanks to the few of you that posted on my thread, goodbye.