I want to be part of the group...

[Number 8]

i feel like this is a power struggle and i do not want to conceit when i m riding the bust with 2 kids to work and do not have anyone to watch kids.

i can not pay my mortgage and daycare. what choices do i have?

It doesn't sound like you have many choices at all. I'm so sorry that things are tough for you.

This thought occurred to me when you mentioned your being a teacher (I'm a teacher, too). Do you have an employee assistance program as a part of your benefits as a state employee (and I'm assuming you're a state employee as a teacher)? If you do, then you're entitled to various services through your EAP. You would have access to counseling services and legal services, free of charge to you. Right now, I'm leaning toward your accessing legal services, of course. It sounds like you need some assistance and that your H isn't going to do the right thing without a kick in the pants.

I'm glad you had some fun with arts and crafts today, though I'm not a huge fan of glitter! You're braver than I!

[Jstar]

I do get some free services with EAP, and have all ready spoken to a lawyer thru them. there are immigration issues with h and him not lawfully able to work in usa.

i've just been thinking of how his message is so arrogant and follows suit with how he wants to generally take shortcuts that violate the law.

i'm torn between loving this man, him being a hustler to the end, being a good role model for my kids and what he will teach the kids,.

i thank you #8 for your words. I'm also so glad to hear that other districts have eap. i'm sure you can understand how once you get to work with the kids, your problems are nothing and the kids are a great distraction and a great sense of support for me.

i just feel so much that i have been taken advantage of or let him take advantage of me since we met. i think that if my mother didn't pass away it would not have made me so codependent upon him and would have not ignored the signs in the beginning o his 'activities'

[A_goodman]

Jstar,

I haven't read your other posts, so forgive me if I'm not taking everything into account. I have several thoughts and questions.

1) What about D18? Does she live with or near you? Could she watch her younger siblings once in a while so you can get out of the house?

2)What exactly do you want from H? It seems like there are more issues than him merely being a WA. If the issue is only that he is depriving your children of having a father in their lives, then your decisions become clearer (and easier, I would think).

He is NOT a good role model right now. I know you fell in love with him at one point, but the reasons you did were not neccessarily the same reasons that make one fit to be a good parent. I would think seriously about sending them off with him by himself. Again, I don't have the whole story, but if he's as irresponsible as it seems AND a hustler by nature, that is not a healthy influence. It would be better to be deprived of his influence than to be poorly influenced by him. You seem like a hard working, loving and responsible person. Let that fill the void.

Furthermore, if there are these immigration issues, then I assume he is a foriegn national. It would be a tragedy if he returned to his country of origin with the kids. It might be near impossible to repatriate them legally. So that would also give me real pause.

Again, if this is the only issue, I might be inclined to use EAP legal services to draft an immancipation for the kids from him. I'm not a lawyer, so I might not be calling it the right name. I think sometimes they call it waiver of parental rights. Make him sign it and be done with it. If he's not working, you won't get any money out of him anyway. Later if he grows up and starts being responsible, you can always decide to let them see him at your discretion.

As far as the codependance, I know you've read a lot of posts and the books. You have heard lot's of others say how much letting go and GAL have helped them and their outlook. it has worked for me too. Eventually, you start developing self respect and understand that there are things you aren't willing to put up with (boundaries). It sounds like you're on your way. If you can't get out of the house, then spend a lot of quality time with the kids. To me GAL means get the life you want. I like spending a lot of time with my boys, so that's a big part of my GAL. I take them on weekend trips. There's a lot of free stuff to do that is fun and exciting for the kids.

Keep working on you!

Good luck.

[Jstar]

gm,

thank you for you input.

to answer some of the questions let me begin with h's status:

his entire family jumped the usa/mexico border some years ago, i am not exactly sure what their status is since i have no way of verifying the information and can not take h's word.

he has to ssn's he uses which ihave copies along with his employers info/wage earning statements., i do know he is not legally allowed to work in the usa, but the feds don't enforcce and he by passed everify. his employers are aware he's not a documented worker and still let it go.

what you are talking about is what i argue with myself on an hourly basis. whether to just cut losses, file with the court, set up his visitation and let him fail at it, since i know he will. he will do ok for a little bit then get lazy.

i stupidly hold hope for him to grow up, be responsible and not rely on the hustle for life, nothing iw ant my children to learn, he has claimed so many times to hate the usa, don't care about the laws, that he's gonna do what he wants to do.

i think he loves the kids but not as what i believe he should, but he loves himself more and has not been able to sacrifice himself for their greater good.

most posts that i get say file with the court. i wish there could be discussions between he and i but he thinks i'm a member of his gang for him to bark orders at.

i asked myself this question: is the only reason why i want my marriage so i can have a car and childcare? do i have to be married to him to have that, no, but financially i can not pay for the mortgage, utilities, food and pets plus daycare.

phone been disconnected, no cable, internet i use free wi fi. on my own i can not have a car pay for the gas, and insurance. when i think of h it's hard not to thing of all his character flaws.
the eap lawyer said his legal status does not negate his fatherhood and visitation, that i'd put in court orders no passports are to be issued, if they are i am the holder of such passports,

[Jstar]

latest:
husband i no longer choose to be married to a man who does not attend marriage counseling.

i no longer want to be married to a man who violates his marriage vows and lives as if he were single.
Sent this to h

I no longer want to be married to a man who is incapable of being a good lawful role model for our children.

I no longer choose to bemarried to a man who abandones his family and treats them as we do not exist who puts his needs before his wife's and children's.

I no longer want to be married to a man who would allow his wife and children to go without the basic neccities.

H the next pieces of information have been carefully thought out and are in the best interests of the children. I’m sure you will agree that they come first and foremost in any and all situations. Granted some of the things both you and I must do for them may cause us some inconvenience, juggling schedules, and what have you, but they have suffered long enough.
The goal here is to maintain d and s's lifestyle, schedule just as if we were together. They do not need to get the short end of the stick since you chose to abandoned this family.

Our children will no longer be exposed to riding the bus system. It is not in their best interests.

As their father you will arrive at our home no later than 6:00AM Monday - Friday, excluding holidays, so I can catch the 6:30 bus to work. You will care for the children until both d and s have breakfast in their home, are bathed-if needed, dressed, and ready to go. After they are ready you will transport them with their car seats (until you purchase new approved car seats & submit a copy of the receipt to me)to your home in which they will remain in your sole care until you are required to work.
Any vehicle they are transported in will have state mandated insurance and the driver will have a valid driver's license. If you are unable or unwilling to obtain insurance, there are options available, we as their parents need to work together on it for their safety, well being, being good lawful role models for our children.
Option 1-you obtain state mandated provable insurance for the truck and occupants in your household
Option 2 – Truck transferred to my name and I place insurance on it for all drivers in my home
Option 3- unable to discuss at this time
You will need to be available over the next few weeks, to transport s to my work so I can feed him on demand since he is a breast fed baby who has rejected the bottle. Every three hours he must eat 4-7 ounces of breast milk, failure to do so will be harmful for his growth and cause health problems and he may fail to thrive.
Every 3 hours I will get an update as to his eating habits via telephone call to -. Every 1-2 hours s will have his diaper visibly checked to insure he is not wet or soiled his diaper. You and your mother will be provided documentation to fill out when he poops and pees along with the date and time.
After my work day I will need to be picked up to prevent and to reduce the time the children have away from me and transported to our home. To ensure they are returned to their home to eat dinner, bathe if necessary, complete our bed time routines, do chores, etc.
Remember the goal here have the least amount of disruption to their lifestyle, schedule, way of life consistent with what they would have grown up in had you not abandoned us; to give our children consistency, a routine and schedules.
Financial:

h you as THE NON-CUSTODIAL parent, thinks that:

If I don’t get what I want from the custodial parent, it’s ok to withhold a support payment.

Sorry, but this is not OK. It is a privilege and a responsibility to take care of your child’s emotional and financial needs. Re: http://familysupportcenter.maricopa.gov/tiesandknots/PQ.html
Based upon state child support guidelines our adjusted gross income is well over $Xamount , and for 2 children to be raised by both parents as if we were together, the cost to raise them is $x amount, that amount is based upon a % and does not include cost of healthcare. A fair amount for you to pay is $200 a week, to be paid each Monday via deposit into a bank account.
$800 total.
-160 (I directly pay your mother weekly $40) -$250 health care which I pay directly) which leaves only $x amount that you are actually paying for child support to me. That is a deal. If we went to court it would be more.

this is h's response:

Well les see a change go head and gave me a acc# so I will dipotsit in to your bank. I work agains you case you the same to me. So let's star with that. Were are my kids went you go to work or go out? What time do they go to bed what time do they eat and what do they eat? May be you can send me a pic off them thx you....

what the heck do i respond with?

[Jstar]

oh just found out h is trying to rent a place with his mom and dad, what they had planned all along. his mother watned this all along that's why she would always say to h, jstar will never change and her son was just angelic.

more and more of his money is given to his parents so they can gamble be illegal etc.

found out i can't file any paperwork till after our concillitation appt. i think i'm just going to not go then be free to file.

i've been nothing but upset since he's getting a place with his parents, its an action that demonstrates no reconcilliation for us.

i have a d18, when i was married to her father we had a huge cusotdy battle, i lost he won, daugther moved out of state and never felt like her mother never close to her. she calls her step mom her parent, close with them and i'm the white trash that gave birth to her.

i told swore to h i will never ever do division of children, it kills me. i fought thru complicated pregnancies to have these 2 children, injections trying to keep them alive and now they can have another whore in thier lives raising them, sitting down 2 dinner.

[Jstar]

d - 4 days till i go back to work.

h has not said he is going to follow the guidelines i put out.

spoke to him once, he legitimized him renting a place with his parents so i could not say their apartment was to small or a mess.

stupidly i say the size isn't gonna matter, you had a house before and it was disgusting, .

doesn't change the other things he does unlawfully.

here' smy realization i got up wanting to file for divorce, found out i can not till concilliation appoitment, found out he was planning on leasing a house adn flipped out.

i immediately called him, had to g oto neighbors to use phone, he called me a fing $unt,.

4 years of this, i'm as much as a mess as from the beginning. i'm in total denial and not the one in egypt

[LSG]

Jstar,

Sometimes it takes small steps moving forward, and you do not realize how far you have come. Do not be hard on yourself. This is not an easy situation.

Do not look back. Only look forward and see what you want to be.

Hang tough and be kind to yourself.

You will be okay, and tomorrow is a new day.

[Jstar]

LSg thank for the support, times when i feel just so alone.

when me kids jogged to store i called h. i was calm, did not yell i validated.

i asked him questions, he listened so ithink.

i asked what would it take to make our marriage work?

he said for me to not think he was a f up, hustler. says he was embarrased that his work got legal court papers to find out what he makes.

i validated sorry you feel that way. when i was thinking in my head, you stupid bleep bleep, in 4 years you never showed your wife your paystub from any of your jobs, i asked for financial transparency and your the dumb bleep bleep that never showed me them

i asked if he ever had an intention of going to marriage counseling, he says no not rate now. i said sorry to hear that, your right why would i want to be married to a man who says he doesn't love me.

he asks why do you want to be married to me/ i said for my children first and foremost to be growing up with their father everyday in their lives
second i have soem feelings for you i don't exactly what htey are and i wanted a change to explore what those feelings are.

there was more to the conversation but i thought it went well.

i've sent him some msgs about reconsidering renting a house for a few reasons,,
1st i said if 50% of his income was garnished could his parents afford it on there own or if h did not have a job he says i'm not dead.

he thinks courts look at how much the non custodial parent has to pay in rent or car and say oh okay mr smith your child support will be less, i tried explaining how the courts view first and foremost the welfare of the children.

i could just let him find out on his own and be like oh crap im gonna quit my job to get paid under the table, i don't think he understand he can go to jail for nto paying, yes he needs to put hsi big boy panties on and i should not even be concerned.

yes i probably have control issue there, him renting a house, with hsi priorities all messed up and feeling like if he rents the house it will be permanent. bad bad jstar.

i told him what happened toe with my 1st divorce. i was ordered to pay x amount made x amount of money and guess what could not afford rent so i had to move home with my mother. this was in 96 with one child and now with 2 kids and more adjusted income, he won't be able to make it.

i don't know, i'm not sure if i want my marriage for my kids or me, or me thinking it would make my life financially easier. that is where the finding otu what i feel for him comes into place.

i what if it: lets say h threw x amount of money at me, i had a car, no child care worry, visitation is whati wanted for him, would i still want to be married to him?

or what if he came back today with bags in hand and said i'm not leaving lets work on this, would i say no?

[LRT Land]

jstar - I think you did great. I know how difficult it is to be civil and "the adult" in the R and validate their nonsense, but you did great. It will help YOU to discover what YOU want.

FYI, I make a point each day in noticing something H has done or complimenting his appearance/clothes/affection. He seems to need that validation very much. I like to hear those things too, but not to the same extent, and when I can remember to comment to him it makes a hugh difference.